My legacy.
A comedy article
by Trickster  175  4
09/14/2009 07:24 AM 644 views
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My Aunty Barbara died recently, which was very upsetting for the whole family. She lived to the grand old age of 89, was still madly in love with her husband, had a beautiful home, went on exotic holidays every year and had achieved a great deal in her life. So I'm not going to be sad in this tale, because she was incredibly happy, full of life and always had a dirty joke to tell you.
But her loss has made me reflect on my own life and what, if anything, have I achieved? And, apart from my beautiful children, what is my legacy?
I have spent the last twelve years chasing a dream of becoming a script writer, which has never come to fruition. But despite the endless rejection letters and restraining orders, I will persevere until I reach the age of eating boiled sweets and Shakespeare-ing my pants. People say that anyone can achieve anything they want if they push themselves hard enough, but, speaking from a "working class, didn't go to university" point of view, that's bullShakespeare!! In my experience it's not what you know, but who you know. If, like me, you would even be prepared to shag Lyle Lovett to achieve your ambitions and you still don't, you do begin to feel like you're flogging a dead horse. By the way, if you're reading this Lyle, I would rather douse myself with petrol whilst caramelising a crf',me brf',lf',©e with a blow torch, than even look at your Coleridge!! Unless of course you have the power or connections to get me my own TV show, in which case.. let's get jiggy with it.
Where was I going with this? Oh yes, my legacy.
I was once an extra in a British TV show called a Touch of Frost ..now you're impressed! Oh yes, I was in one scene in a car crash and another scene unconscious in hospital. How I didn't get into RADA I'll never know!! Instead of congratulating me on my TV stardom, all my (so called) mates rang me up and said, "Can't believe you made me sit through two Frost-ing hours of that Shakespearee and you were only in it for five Frost-ing minutes!! We hate you, Frost off and die you rancid bitch! Hope you're still getting blackmailed by your neighbour who found those photos of you getting a golden shower off Danny De Vito and Michael Douglas" ...NO!! IT'S NOT TRUE.. MAKE IT STOP!!!
...Sorry about that, went off on a bit of a tangent.
Anyway, what else have I done? I once sang on a rave tune called "In the Mix", which sold about 4,000 copies, then got remixed and sold another 4,000 copies, so that's 8,000 copies. More than Posh Spice could ever manage! The lyrics weren't exactly in the Lennon and McCartney league, but Frost it.. 8,000 copies!!! That'll do for me kid.
I worked as a storyliner at Emmerdale (UK TV Soap) for two weeks, oh yes a whole two weeks, an entire fortnight, two complete weeks. Probably one of the longest jobs I've ever had.. apart from my job as a fluffer, but Viagra put an end to that career! Sadly I didn't get taken on full-time at Emmerdale, don't think they liked the "Betty the pensioer becomes a crack whore" idea. There's just no pleasing some people, shame really cos Betty was well up for it!
Writing this piece has made me realise that I really do need to do something with my life very quickly, it's not that good for 37 years is it!! Does being banged up in a police cell count as an achievement? Only if you're Robert Downey Junior I suppose.
Right I'm off to self harm. Please leave suggestions of exciting things for me to do. And can I also thank you, whoever you are, for giving me 20 Zugz in my first few days on here. You've given me a warm feeling inside.. although that could just be my Irritable Bowel Syndrome playing up again.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
7 votes
3.6
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348  4
09/14/2009 12:04 PM
Does being banged up in a police cell count as an achievement?
I don't know what that means in British, but over here that's awesome. Maybe not an achievement, but definitely ZUG article worthy if you include pictures.
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0 votes
0.0
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Trickster 175 4
09/14/2009 12:35 PM
I've never been called awesome for being banged up in a cell before, but all compliments are greatly received.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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PorterHouse Steak 477 4
09/14/2009 12:43 PM
Pics or it didn't happen!
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Chance 171,275 14
09/14/2009 12:45 PM
Damn it, i thought Whistler wrote this.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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KChikita Banana Box 128,438 98
09/14/2009 12:45 PM
I have an Auntie Barbara too! But mine's still alive and living in California.
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348 4
09/14/2009 12:47 PM
But mine's still alive and living in California.
That made it sound like you were all sad 'cause she was still alive. Have patience.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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KChikita Banana Box 128,438 98
09/14/2009 12:51 PM
Actually, I was bragging. I love my Auntie Barbara from Santa Barbara!
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
09/14/2009 03:41 PM
Trickster tell us more stories about your Aunty Barbara.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 68,511 19
09/14/2009 05:57 PM
Actually, I was bragging. I love my Auntie Barbara from Santa Barbara!
Uh, please tell me that you aren't realted to my ex-wife.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Trickster 175 4
09/15/2009 02:33 AM
(Pics or it didn't happen..)
They don't actually let you take cameras in prison cells over here, or phones, or TVs, or drugs, or booze... it's a travesty.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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dasypy gal 14,803 17
09/15/2009 03:14 AM
Read the squirell's Jail Chronicles.
He's got a recipe for jailhouse booze.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
09/15/2009 10:36 AM
Damn it, i thought Whistler wrote this.
Though I have been in a jail cell, and on a CD, I'm not worried about my legacy. It's secure. I've won five Zug t-shirts and I'm a two-time New York State Champion fife player, bitches.
Ah, Frost. I really have to do something with my life.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
09/15/2009 10:37 AM
Great work, by the way, Trickster. I'm starting to really like you. Too bad Aunt Barbara died. She was a cutie. Maybe you could have hooked me up.
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0 votes
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Trickster 175 4
09/15/2009 10:43 AM
Thank you so much Whistler, that's so kind. I'm loving this website, maybe I should move to the States. And I'm sure my Aunty Barbara would have definitely been up for some Whistler-loving, she was a game old bird.
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0 votes
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348 4
09/15/2009 11:13 AM
Yeah, well I liked her a few days ago, old man. Besides, she doesn't have a penis, so what do you care? I've already masturbated to her, and I'm going to ask Lobster if I can call her Tricky in bed tonight!
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0 votes
0.0
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You make me feel so Ravos 63,472 21
09/15/2009 11:19 AM
Mustache rides for some, miniature American flags for others!
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
09/15/2009 11:20 AM
I think I might be getting over my gay phase, Clock. But don't worry - Lobsta's cooch is still to flappy from giving birth for me to steal her from you. Remind me, though - did she have a boy or a girl?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Trickster 175 4
09/15/2009 11:27 AM
Yay, I've pulled... Yeah I've still got it.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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KChikita Banana Box 128,438 98
09/15/2009 01:38 PM
Uh, please tell me that you aren't realted to my ex-wife.
If she has your current last name, then no.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
09/15/2009 02:33 PM
They don't actually let you take cameras in prison cells over here, or phones, or TVs, or drugs, or booze... it's a travesty.
You know, with enough lube and enough determination, once you get past the tiny opening at the beginning (or is it the end?)of your ass, there is a whole storage area up in there that you carry around with you where ever you go. Trust me, they'll never find what ever you're trying to hide.*
* don't forget to put what ever you're hiding in some sort of plastic bag or something.
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0 votes
0.0
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Trickster 175 4
09/16/2009 03:35 AM
You mean my internal heroin cupboard.
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