You make me feel so Ravos 34,380 10
09/14/2009 06:44 PM

Mime it.

Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 5,980 4
09/14/2009 07:53 PM

"So, I was at the store the other day, in the meat department, and there were these two old, spoiled turkeys. You could tell by looking at them that they were so old they had gone bad, not to mention the smell. Anyways, some jerk just had to prop them up in the display case to make it look like they were going at it like no one was around to notice. Even I think a lot of things are funny or cute, but this was just nasty and disturbing because they were so old and wretched. It had been a long time since either of them were any good. I keep thinking about those to wrinkly old pieces of meat having sex, and it just makes my stomach turn. I guess you just had to be there."

KChikita Banana Box 50,428 11
09/14/2009 07:58 PM

Lean into the fridge, pull out the first piece of meat you can find (hotdog preferably) and state loudly, "I think this is old. Michelle, does this look old to you?"

Mighty Kind 7,190 7
09/14/2009 08:00 PM

"I got up in the middle of the night last night and thought I heard you guys watching reruns. So tell me, is the show better after you havn't watched it in a while, or did you just forget why you quit watching it in the first place?

Madness 1,400 5
09/14/2009 08:23 PM

OH GOD MICHELLE.
My friend just showed me something called "lemon party"
Do you know what lemon party is Michelle?
It's old people... HAVING SEX.
That is so disgusting!
Don't you think so too?

Dude, Where's My Lobstah? 9,797 9
09/14/2009 08:30 PM

Michelle, I sometimes get up at night to go pee. You mind keeping it down next time?


Am I playing right?

the fun in disfunctional 807 4
09/14/2009 08:51 PM

It seems there was a lot of wildlife outside last night. Kept me up all night.

Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 5,980 4
09/14/2009 08:57 PM

Hit "Ctrl+P" several times.

cycoivan 9,052 6
09/14/2009 09:30 PM

I hope when I get old, MY kids won't have to listen to me railing their mom. Hopefully, it's because I'm not living with them. What?! I'm not referring to you, I'm just saying!

PorterHouse Steak 444 1
09/14/2009 11:04 PM

Sit down to dinner with your wife and mother-in-law, turn to your wife and tell her about your dream that you just remembered. "I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamt that we were really old, about the age of your parents, and one night we were goin at it really hard and loud when our son-in-law walked by and herd us. The next day at dinner he gave us Shakespeare about it without his wife knowing what the hell he was talking about."

That should work.

Pants 12,163 13
09/14/2009 11:23 PM

"Did anyone here that noise the other night? I got up to go to the bathroom and heard the most horrible sound. It was like someone was repeating kicking a pig that was already on the verge of death. Jesus, it's been giving me nightmares every since."

Pubah 47,449 11
09/15/2009 03:21 AM

Goodnight...turn the tv off when you go to bed. Last night some god awful slasher B movie was on. You know, the kind with lots of shreiks, screaming and squeaking bed springs... Funny thing, by the time I got to the tv to turn it off...the program was over.

The Spit in Hospitality 979 4
09/15/2009 04:33 AM

Did anyone else feel that earthquake last night? I kept on looking for news reports today, but no one reported on it. It was weird. Things were shaking kind of slow, like a real tired and old earthquake. I know the cats felt it; they were caterwauling.

Manhole 7,849 8
09/15/2009 04:48 AM

Hit "Ctrl+P" several times

I think he meant the Delete key.

cakes and ale 2,137 4
09/15/2009 08:03 AM

Did they call each other by any pet names that you can casually slip into conversation? For instance, "Will you please pass the sugar, Dirty Girl?" or "How about those Yankees, You Frost-ing Stallion?"

My ex-boyfriend lived next door door to a family that had a ten year old boy. The young lad was always lurking around and started to call Jeff "Jeffrey" which no one EVER did. Except me apparently, when the uh...spirit moved me.

dasypy gal 5,572 7
09/15/2009 08:26 AM

"Jeffrey"

Do it. To me. Big. Jeffery.

That just doesn't seem to slide of the tongue very nicely.

Did he call you Mommy?
eeewwwwwwww

cakes and ale 2,137 4
09/15/2009 08:55 AM

Do it. To me. Big. Jeffery Sheldon.

Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 5,980 4
09/15/2009 02:13 PM

Cakes, I saw your ex at the store the other day and now I can't stop thinking about him. Why did you ever let him go?

cakes and ale 2,137 4
09/17/2009 03:30 AM

Cakes, I saw your ex at the store the other day and now I can't stop thinking about him. Why did you ever let him go?

You know how sometimes you reach back into the archives for a little masturbation inspiration? Now I have the image of Jeffrey from Toys R Us instead of Jeff the Ex.

Thanks a lot, AC!

Mighty Kind 7,190 7
09/17/2009 03:43 AM

So Bill I just have to know. Did you ever get a chance to slip one of these gems into a conversation or have you been too busy storing nuts for the winter?

The Mailman 130,735 14
09/17/2009 05:17 AM

with Robyn being none the wiser.

My guess is, she'll be none the wiser no matter how clearly and transparently you bring up this subject. Let's face it, we're talking about a woman who married you, for chrissakes.

Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
09/17/2009 05:38 AM

MAILMAN! ALL YOU EVER DO IS PUT ME DOWN!

Thank god, someone really gets the meaning of this site!*




*You are still a dumb Frost-ing putz from Canada.

Professor Fucksock 1,080 3
09/17/2009 06:58 AM

Just complain about the spunk stains on their sheets..