Things I Can Do Well..
A comedy article
by Trickster  175  4
09/15/2009 06:51 AM 749 views
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Here are ten things I can do well. Yeah ten... and that'll be a push believe me!
1: I can say my alphabet backwards. ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA. I appreciate that writing it backwards doesn't prove I can actually say it backwards, bit I can... honest. So can my daughter, my mum & my grandma.. god rest her soul. (Obviously she can't do it any more.)
2: Skin up.. I am The Master! Of course I only do it for friends & would never indulge in any form of illegal activities myself.
3: Hotwire a car... only joking. I can bake really good cakes. They're yummy scrummy, a treat for your tummy. I use Delia's sponge cake recipe & it's a piece of piss. Let me know when it's you're birthday & I'll knock one up for you.
4: Immitating pigeons/doves. Long before Shooting Stars & the "dove from above", I was entertaining my friends with my amazing bird impressions. I am so good at it, that the Pigeon / Dove Society of Great Britain has made me a patron.
5: Making up dirty poems. I may appear sweet & innocent, but I am in fact extremely crude & vulgar. There isn't a day goes by where I don't saythe words Carroll, Frost, twat, minge, Coleridge, bastard, Shakespeare-house, spunk & soapy tit-wank. Usually during a conversation with my local Vicar. As for rhyming, I'm a lyrical genius.
6: Drive!! I apologise in advance to all good female drivers, but on the whole I HATE women drivers. They slow down about three miles before they're actually going to turn left. They never let you pull out, because they can't cope with the additional stress this would cause them. I am a good driver & have been driving for 17 years. Now I've got children I've become "sensible driver", but when I was childless & cruising around in my RS2000 I was the dogs bollocks. My motor went like Shakespeare off a stick & I used to bomb it down the M1 from Northern England to Southern England... Northern England is far superior!!Come on British women, you're letting the side down.
7: Dance when I'm pissed. Seriously, when I've had a few bevvies I can shake my booty like the love-child of Beyonce, Shakira, Britney & J Lo (I know it's not actually possible for four people to create an offspring). Stand back fellas, I've had 10 Vodka & Red Bulls & I'm raring to go!
8: Frost-ing hell, I'm struggling now! I only had to think of ten things & I'm stuck at seven. How Frost-ing sad & untalented am I? I know..
Overestimating how many things I'm good at. Does that count?
9: Erm....
10: Frost it.. I'm useless. I should have done 10 Things I'm Not Good At:
1: Ironing.
2: Cleaning.
3: Smiling when I see a picture of David Hasslehoff.
4: Finding places.
5: The Waltz.
6: Remembering what I'm supposed to be doing.
7: What was I doing?
8: Driving within the speed limit.
9: Speaking Japanese.
10: Origami.
That was much easier!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
7 votes
3.3
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Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.5
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KChikita Banana Box 128,446  98
09/15/2009 08:14 AM
soapy tit-wank
I want to work this term into my lexicon.
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Chuckleworthy
7 votes
2.7
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cycoivan 11,330 11
09/15/2009 08:22 AM
They never let you pull out, because they can't cope with the additional stress this would cause them
Yeah, that's why I have three kids.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Mighty Kind 36,184 48
09/15/2009 08:43 AM
You can add confusing Americans with Brittish colloquialisms to your list.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348 4
09/15/2009 09:03 AM
Skin up?
Vicar?
I love "piece of piss" though.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,609 32
09/15/2009 09:28 AM
Skin up?
Vicar?
I think that's the British version of NAPBLA.
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0 votes
0.0
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Mighty Kind 36,184 48
09/15/2009 09:32 AM
From the context of the sentence I believe that skin up means roll a joint. I know that a vicker is a preacher, but I dont know if its religion specific.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
09/15/2009 09:35 AM
Skin up, I believe, means hand roll a marijuana cigarette. Something we clean-cut American kids wouldn't know about except from watching your degenerate British cinema. Crazy foreign drug addict.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Chance 171,275 14
09/15/2009 09:41 AM
I had no clue what skin up meant either, but unlike you crazy mofos I kept it cool and waited for one of you degenerates to answer the question.
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
09/15/2009 09:44 AM
I know that a vicker is a preacher, but I dont know if its religion specific.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say, "C. Church of England. Final answer."
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348 4 is disappointed, but still thinking about it.
09/15/2009 09:52 AM
Damn, I thought skin up might have meant rubbing nude skin on someone, prostition, or some other weird, crazy British tradition.
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
09/15/2009 10:04 AM
It does sound like a term for masturbation. Then again, so does "touch up your bird."
Now that I think about it, an awful lot of British colloquialisms sound like terms for masturbation.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.3
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Dogs Akimbo 211,609 32
09/15/2009 10:09 AM
Bob's your Uncle!
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0 votes
0.0
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Trickster 175 4
09/15/2009 10:36 AM
(Now that I think about it, an awful lot of British colloquialisms sound like terms for masturbation.)
Maybe we are obsessed with masturbation, probably not getting enough of the other. I'm sorry if any of my British terms are confusing, I'm like a duck out of water on here. Luckily I'm not writing in my Yorkshire accent, then you really would be confused... "There's nowt as queer as folk"... as my dad would say.
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0 votes
0.0
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TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
09/15/2009 10:56 AM
Bob's your Uncle!
Wouldn't that be a term for giving your uncle a blowjob.
kind like..
Colonel Angus's your aunt.
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348 4
09/15/2009 11:01 AM
Now I'm really confused. What's Bob's your uncle mean besides your uncle getting blown? I thought that was the standard interpretation.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
09/15/2009 11:03 AM
New at KFC, the Colonel Angus Burger. Buy one for your wife today!!
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
09/15/2009 04:15 PM
10 Things I'm really bad about:
1- Sucking on Astro pops
2- It pisses me off when a guy buys me diamonds(I don't like them) 3- Bending over to pick up something off the floor
4- When working really hard, get really hot and bothered
5- Can only eat one hotdog at a time
6- Can't keep quiet on exciting occasions
7- Like to go really fast
8- Can't stop with an activity until I'm finished
9- Drinking, I'm a lightweight and can only handle 2 drinks
10- Yank'n your chain
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0 votes
0.0
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dasypy gal 14,803 17
09/15/2009 10:27 PM
I use Delia's sponge cake recipe & it's a piece of piss.
As some of you may know, I am wholly facinated by this little gem.
Do tell Trickster, exactly what does "piece of piss" mean?
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Trickster 175 4
09/16/2009 03:28 AM
(Do tell Trickster, exactly what does "piece of piss" mean?)
It simply means Easy, something that's easy to do.
I'll give you some more examples..
"You can't polish a turd" means, you'll never make that/them look good.
"You're cack-handed" means, you're very clumsy.
"Put wood in'th oyle" means, shut the door.
"As 'appy as a pig in Shakespeare" means, very happy and content with oneself.
"Arse over tit" means, you fell head over tail.
"Couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery." means, you can't do anything right.
Welcome to Yorkshire.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Dr. Shempso The Heavy Metal Stooge 22,222 17
09/16/2009 03:36 AM
This thread is all 6's and 7's.
Was that correct useage Trickster?
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0 votes
0.0
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Trickster 175 4
09/16/2009 07:27 AM
It certainly is Dr.
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0 votes
0.0
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dasypy gal 14,803 17
09/16/2009 11:13 PM
Trickster,
I'm sorry I didn't thank you immediately for explaining "piece of piss", but I got busier than a dog with six peckers.
Anyhoo, Thx
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