The experiment: to answer various "roommate wanted" ads in the San Francisco area, while acting as strange and creepy as possible. [Read Part 1 here.]
"MISSION DISTRICT, single room in happy Christian family house, with lovely view from window, view without obligation, available now. $680 per month."
As I travel to my second roommate interview, I'm curious to see what a "Happy Christian" household looks like. Also, I'm glad I can "view without obligation." I would hate to be obligated to move into a room simply because I looked at it. Are there people who say, "You've viewed the room, now you must move in!"?
I'm hungover and unshaven. I'm going to view this Christian home "without obligation," wearing very smelly clothes, all black and unwashed, worn during a recent sweaty twelve-hour plane ride. Also, for added effect, I've sprayed myself with hummus. I smell like a falafel shop.
There's a station wagon in the driveway and several blonde, blue-eyed children playing in the yard. I stop a moment and settle into my persona, German exchange student Dieter Lietershvantz. Dieter always has a fixed scowl on his face.
I make my way past the obstacle course of blonde, blue-eyed children and ring the bell. A clean-cut man in a nice woolly sweater comes to the door. There are still more children inside. Amazingly, the clean-cut man, who is called Simon, looks like the stereotype of a Happy Christian. I can easily see him with a guitar, leading all the kids in a sing-along.
"Ja! I am Dieter Lietershvantz. I have come about the room!"
There's a small blonde, blue-eyed girl standing nearby. She gives me a look like, "Daddy, I don't want this man living in our Happy Christian home!"
The man called Simon passes me off to his wife Lily, then leaves in the station wagon with several of the blonde, blue-eyed children.
"Let me give you the tour," Lily says as we walk upstairs, past a wall covered with crosses, pictures of Jesus and various bits of other religious paraphernalia. Lily's one of these people who doesn't stop talking. She tells me everything from where the nearest ice skating arena is, to what time I'm not allowed in the kitchen.
We get to the room and Lily gets a queer look on her face. I think she smells me, but believes the odor might be originating from herself.
"Ja! This room is good!" I say in a loud German accent. Then I put the room through a series of tests involving knocking on the wall in a circular motion, stopping, nodding, then writing the results in my notebook. The whole time Lily is elaborating on which buses travel where, how I'll have to use the phone booth down the road for calls, and about her vacation to Germany four years ago.
"In the room, can I practice my martial arts?" I ask, doing a few maneuvers, complete with sound effects.
Lily says it's OK, just as long as I do it with the door closed and not after 9:30 p.m. She explains to me that this is when the children go to bed, and then tells me when they go to school, when they get home, and which days they have swimming lessons. It seems like Lily needs someone to talk to.
The tour now takes us downstairs to the living room. "The kids like company. You can join in if you want, or choose not to get involved with the family."
"Ja, I would like to get involved!"
I notice a piano and a guitar. I'm sure this is the same guitar Simon uses for the sing-alongs.
"And you can feel free to use the piano if you want."
"I-DO-NOT-PLAY-THE-PIANO!" I say, sounding almost offended.
Lily now explains if I want the room, I should phone her back later in the evening. I ask if I can use the bathroom. Lily says yes.
Not having to really use the bathroom, I stay in there for way too long. I hear periodic footsteps past the door. I start opening and closing drawers, until there's finally a knock at the door.
"Deiter, are you alright in there!?"
I open the door. I'm wearing some of Lily's makeup, which I found in the cabinet.
"I've been sick!" I say while holding my stomach.
Lily tells me when I feel better, to call her about the room.
WOULD THEY LET ME MOVE IN? Amazingly, yes! Sadly, I couldn't accept the offer, as I was just getting warmed up.
Next: The Meat-Eating Chain Smoker!
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