If you ever walk into your cell and there is a candy bar on your pillow. Do not eat it and accept it as a gift. You will pay dearly in ways you do not want to think about for that candy bar.
Trade your food items with inmates for other things you want like lotion, candy, chips, cards, hair conditioner, paper, tossed salads, Cleveland Steamers, tug-jobs, shanks, and prison hooch. Not to mention for the safety and elasticity of your sphincter.
Take a condom and fill it up with as much as you think you can pack in with Meth, Heroin or weed(I recommend Heroin, it's a guaranteed winner), When you get to your dorm or whatever, find the head of your race and give him half, sell the other half. You will walk out of there six days later with a several thousand dollar profit and all you can eat anything. Who the hell would not take advantage of that?
I do know where to get heroin from! Hell, I was offered heroin the other day driving down the street in Baltimore.
Arrested for DUI. Second offense (blew a .08 in both instances) in 5 years and now I can say I will not be drinking and driving ever again. They gave me one day already for time served!!! Apparently 4 hours in a holding cell is called spending the night in jail. And posession of marijuana.
And yes, with the nature of the offense I do deserve jail time, I just made the thread so people could make with the funny.
Just make sure it's the real good Shakespeare. You have to be able to snort it. Obviously needles will be in short supply. Really, you only need a couple grams of that to make several thousand.
Well, I mean, I don't know for sure or anything, but I'm just guessing. Yeah, that's it.
The .08 thing is just stupid. People on cells, teenagers and senior citizens are far more dangerous behind the wheel than someone who had a couple beers.
I would read up on gang signs and tats before you go in, learn who to stay away from. And don't eat ANYTHING with mayo on it.
Hes going to jail not Frost-ing prison. Stop being a Frost-ing baby and take it like a man. You deserve this. I dont agree with Manhole, drinking and driving is not acceptable. TWICE? Didnt learn your lesson the first time you just had to go out and do it again? Speak to someone who has lost a child by a person who thought it was okay to just have a few beers and drive. Its only a few beers eh?
I would remove the stick out of my ass but I kinda like it there.
I kind like it there too.
Is it because I hate people who drive drunk? Or is it because, I Love visualizing Chance with a long tube-like object protruding from her butt? That and, how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, the world may never know.
Not being a baby at all and I'm taking it for exactly what it is, a punishment for an offense that I did commit. Like I said, I've learned my lesson and have not done it since (01/09) or plan on doing it ever. This from the guy who would drink everywhere he was and didn't worry about anything to this. I was beginning the thread so people could make with the buttrape jokes and everything else. And I knew full well that even saying it was a DUI was going to get me Shakespeare but I was upfront and honest.
Not being a baby at all and I'm taking it for exactly what it is, a punishment for an offense that I did commit. Like I said, I've learned my lesson and have not done it since (01/09) or plan on doing it ever. This from the guy who would drink everywhere he was and didn't worry about anything to this. I was beginning the thread so people could make with the butt rape jokes and everything else.And I knew full well that even saying it was a DUI was going to get me Shakespeare but I was upfront and honest.*
OK there, listen to this!
You are a douche. The only reason I call you a douche is because you think posting this disturbing Shakespeare here is going to make you an "Honest" person. Frost that! I don't Frost-ing care if you are upfront, DONT DRINK AND DRIVE!
I sit there telling my five year old, "You don't show me what you mean by what you say.", "You show what you mean by what you do!". Do you want us to absolve you of your sins? Or are you looking for something else? What? Are you a masochist? You want other people to beat up on you cause you're a dip Shakespeare? Or, are you trying to get us to DETER YOU from drinking?
You want a deterrent? Think about this.
I drink DAYLY, I am an alcoholic! I never drive under the influence!
Drinking impairs my mind. (as is apparent by all the errors in this rant)
How could I live with myself if, because I was full of pride, I thought to myself "One more drink.", "What's it going to hurt.", then I reacted one second too late to stop someone from dying!
Frost THAT!
Or, would you like another beer?
[/serious]**
** wow alcohol makes me an Emerson, and all of you jerk offs.
I'll be sure I take both of my hands off the wheel when I slam down a cold one on the way home tonight, so that way I'm not technically driving when I do it.
Before all you M.F.A.D.D. get after me, I wait till I get on very rural, very dirt and whiterock, county roads before I do so. I have a several miles of this before I get home.
It's not the drinking and driving that gets people Frosted up, it's the drunk driving.
Don't get me wrong, I think drinking and driving is wrong and stupid, I just think there is a big difference from what the public perceives as a "drunk driver" and someone whose had one or two twelve ounce beers and "blew a .08"
I just don't believe a .08 equates to a DUI. There is a HUGE difference between someone like slinky and someone who can barely walk. And they should not be compared as equals.
I'm serious about the mayo thing though. Seriously.
I'm serious about the mayo thing though. Seriously.
Not that I know, but
1)you take the cling film off of your bologna sammich. Save it.
2)rip a little hole in your mattress. (in the middle)
3)place the cling film snugly in the hole
4)smear the mayo from your bologna sammich in the hole. (don't use mustard, it burns)
5)love your mattress ALL NIGHT LONG!
TWICE? Didnt learn your lesson the first time you just had to go out and do it again?
I think he did it because he doesn't drink enough black tea. Black tea helps with your memory. It has antioxidants. Here are more answers to tea-related questions.
I think what pissed me off is that you wrote about drinking and driving on a comedy website, which means its "suppose" to be funny making light of actually drinking and driving.
What? Are you a masochist? You want other people to beat up on you cause you're a dip Shakespeare? Or, are you trying to get us to DETER YOU from drinking?
I think Bill is desperate for a beer.
Bill, did your wife lose her eyesight because of a drunk driver?
Driving drunk is a great American pastime. It's like Apple pie and succotaShakespeare's completely harmless and we waste way too many tax dollars attempting to stop it. Only mailboxes and small dogs need fear a drunk driver.
I can't believe all you people freaking out about drinking and driving. For one, drinking and driving is all sorts of fun. If someone has to die for me to have a good time then so be it.
Think of all the people in the world that never get a chance to drink and drive in their whole lifetime. Yeah, sheds a whole different light on things doesn't it? You insensitive pricks.
I mean realistically here. More accidents and fatalities are caused by SOBER drivers than drunk ones. And think of how many drunk pilots make safe landings every day with hundreds of people in tow.
There's not a whole lot of anything where I'm at, much less stuff to do. Thus, many of the recreational activities heavily involve driving, operating heavy equipment, firearms, livestock, and obviously drinking.
For instance, when pulling folks through the mud on an old mattress with a truck, or mattress surfing if you will, everyone's much better off drunk. Much more fun with the acutely increased skills and courage of the driver and surfers, plus it hurts a lot less when you get flung off across the pasture or into a mesquite shrub. These practices have also given us a better sense of knowing what we're capable of in accordance to how drunk we are.
Just because drunk driving can kill people, doesn't mean it should be criminalized to the extent it is. Should we throw away the key on people who get three tickets for running stop lights too? It can just as easily kill someone and ratio-wise is much more likely to cause an accident.
During the time between when I started driving and when I lost my license (about five years), I drove while drunk basically every time I drove. When I got my license back I was living in NYC and didn't drive, and I had stopped drinking by the time I moved out of the city.
I count my blessings that I never hurt or killed anyone.
So I'm not going to point a finger, but I am going to suggest that someone who gets multiple DUI citations might want to address the possibility that they've got an alcohol dependence issue. And I'm going to offer my assistance to anyone who's looking for guidance on how to address an alcohol dependence issue. e-mail in profile.
Sorry for being a buzzkill, but sometimes I get a sick, disturbing impulse to behave responsibly.
Sorry for being a buzzkill, but sometimes I get a sick, disturbing impulse to behave responsibly.
And we like you all the more for it Whistler. At least in my case... And it has nothing to do with your newfound gayness. And yes, I know, you're not the homo type of gay... Now where was I going with this?
You know what's even funnier than drinking and driving? Drinking and driving an ATV! I don't know if anyone else has been in an ER when the ambulance brings in a body that's been decapitated by an unnoticed barbed wire fence but it is Frost-ing hilarious. Especially when they put the body in the room next to you. You get to hear all the blubbering of the girlfriend who wishes he was still alive, but guess what ho! If he were still alive, he'd be dripping blood all over you from his neck stump while he was grunting one into your pus pocket of a coochie! And there wouldn't even be much of a grunting sound, just a gurgling because his larynx is with his severed head on the nightstand.
And you get to listen to the high-pitched screeching of his harridan of a mother wishing he was - guess what - still alive. How Frost-ing original. Quick update for you, crabnest, if he were alive and at your house, he'd be getting blood all over the Frost-ing carpet. Stupid Frost-ing bitch. I guess it's even funnier if you're being treated for a concussion but still, the comedy speaks for itself.
Store
28,185 
10 
28,185 
10
