You've got enough on your plate (or in your bowl) without worrying about your morning cereal sogging out as soon as it's exposed to milk. That's why I'm taking Kellogg's to task, rating their very best cereals by sampling them dry, then soaking them in milk for 24 hours, and sampling them again.
You'll never bite into a spoonful of goo again. Except at parties.
THE SOG TEST
Test Cereal #1: Corn Pops
When dry, Corn Pops had a not-at-all-unpleasant taste paired with a texture not readily found outside of spacecraft. I had hypothesized that maybe their waxy coating would make them resistant to sog. This was a foolish idea, much like children believing one day they will own a unicorn, or their parents will remarry and love them again.
Prolonged exposure to milk corrupted the one redeeming quality of Pops: taste. Instead of playfully sweet, they became fetid and dull. The only description I could come up with was "sad corn." They held on to their waxy cover, morphing into a non-crunchy, non-soggy bowl of depression.
Incidentally, I forgot to take a picture of the Pops until it was too late. The trash can didn't really add to the appeal.
Corn Pops: DRY
Taste: 5/10
Crunch: 2/10
Corn Pops: SOGGED
Taste: 2/10
Crunch: 2/10
Test Cereal #2: Raisin Bran
Raisin Bran tries to fool you into thinking it's healthy, but it's just a giant bowl of sugar and shredded cardboard for "insoluble fiber." The flakes are more crumbly than crunchy when dry, and milk didn't help this equation. What I pulled out of the fridge was more like Raisin Flan.
The flakes had soaked up enough milk to go from cereal to "viscous, bran-stained porridge." It almost looked like a dessert. From Satan.
Ironically, the only crunchy part about Raisin Bran after a 24-hour soak is the raisins, which had plumped up and gained some life. The overall flavor of the cereal was still present and accounted for, so I guess that counts for something. Overall though, the mushy bran flake paste triggered my gag reflex.
Raisin Bran: DRY
Taste: 7/10
Crunch: 4/10
Raisin Bran: SOGGED
Taste: 6/10
Crunch: 2/10
Test Cereal #3: Froot Loops
"Follow your nose the Frost out of here," the bowl seemed to say. The Froot Loops had maintained their delightful colors, but the milk had turned a bluish-green hue, with lumps of what I really hope was sugar, but could've been actual physical pestilence.
The milk seemed to suck all the flavor out of the cereal, and now tasted fruity. (Sorry, frooty.)
The loops themselves, however, were cold, flavorless Spaghettios. They wriggled down my throat like worms on a hot sidewalk. Suddenly I understood why the Froot Loops mascot is a grub-eating toucan.
Froot Loops: DRY
Taste: 3/10
Crunch: 3/10
Froot Loops: SOGGED
Taste: 1/10
Crunch: 0/10
Test Cereal #4: Apple Jacks
I figured Apple Jacks would be interchangeable with Froot Loops, since they taste that way out of the box, but somehow they held onto all their flavor. The Jacks brought a bursting, crisp apple flavor with subtle notes of cinnamon that ended with a sharp, metallic taste I had never experienced before. I actually double-checked my spoon to see if I had somehow cross-contaminated cereals, but there was nothing to explain this.
Each bite went the same way: apple flavor, cinnamon flavor, licking a copper pipe flavor. Coupled with the same cold Spaghettio factor the Froot Loops had, Apple Jacks were not stacking up well.
Apple Jacks: DRY
Taste: 3/10
Crunch: 3/10
Apple Jacks: SOGGED
Taste: 2/10
Crunch: 0/10
Test Cereal #5: Rice Krispies
Despite being one of my favorite cereals, I knew the Rice Krispies were going to end poorly. These guys don't hold up to milk for twenty minutes, and I could hardly imagine how a 24-hour soak would transform these poor bastards.
The substance looked eerily like pudding, and a taste confirmed the worst. This was like eating cold maggots, except the flavor was almost alcoholic. I had somehow fermented Rice Krispies into the moonshine of cereals.
Sake Krispies!
If you could get past the lumpy paste sliding down your throat, this was a delightful cocktail with enormous potential, if only to homeless people.
Rice Krispies: DRY
Taste: 9/10
Crunch: 4/10
Rice Krispies: SOGGED
Taste: 3/10
Crunch: -5/10
Test Cereal #6: Frosted Mini-Wheats
I actually had high hopes for Mini-Wheats, since they're so jagged and nasty on their own. I figured a good milk bath would even them out to perfect crunchability. I was wrong.
The Mini-Wheats had soaked up ALL the milk from the bowl, and were now bloated lumps of grain ready to explode. The wheat slivers, normally gumline-seeking missiles bound to send you flossing before work, had turned into fat, slimy worms.
The Mini-Wheats had also fermented, but tasted nothing like a delightful wheat beer. They were more like sour metallic slime molds. This was by far the worst-tasting of all cereals ever invented; each bite was like wet cigarette filters rubbed on a tin awning.
Mini Wheats: DRY
Taste: 7/10
Crunch: 8/10
Mini Wheats: SOGGED
Taste: -10/10
Crunch: 0/10
Flooding the cereal with milk flooded me with questions. How could Kellogg's label boxes of cereal as "Krispie" if they did not actually stay krispie? Why the hell do they spell it "Krispie"? And are Snap, Crackle, and Pop really gay lovers? I had to get answers, and I knew to get them I'd have to ascend the hierarchy of the Kellogg Corporation.
Next: Prank Call to Kellogg's!
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