Crappy Consumer Reports: Cereal Sog Test III A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland 43,802 9 09/23/2009 07:40 PM 2047 views
After torturing myself with some of the soggiest cereal imaginable [read Part 1 and Part 2], I had to get answers from Old Mr. Kellogg himself.
That mustache could probably use a hairnet.
Unfortunately, Mr. Kellogg is dead, so I called Kellogg's Customer Service Line instead.
Which is actually harder than you'd think. In order to even find a contact form on their website, you have to first give them your age and the problem you want to talk about. Is there some sort of cut-off for answering questions? Apparently not, since I set my year of birth at 2005 and they gave me, a computer-savvy four year-old, the number anyway.
The cheery hotline recording informed me that Kellogg's was closed, but would re-open Monday through Thursday 8 a.m. to 7 p.m., and Fridays 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. That seemed reasonable, except I was calling at 12:50 on a Wednesday. I tried again two hours later: same message. I tried the next day and got the same canned response. For three days I called Kellogg's automated customer service line, and never got a human once.
Note they never say if they'll actually answer.
The line does give another number "in case of medical emergencies," but it's not 911. It's a local number you can call to speak with a "trained medical professional," i.e. a bored, off-duty nurse. But if you're in a medical emergency, you don't want to talk to a nurse, unless you plan on treating your Golden Grahams shrapnel wound yourself, and need someone to walk you through it. No, you want to talk to a severely-underpaid call center employee who can send a Frost-ing ambulance your way.
Finally, out of patience with Kellogg's Customer Service, I called their medical emergency line.
"All of our medical specialists are currently assisting other callers." WHAT THE HELL, KELLOGGS?! I expect that kind of crap from a customer service line, but you specifically instruct people to call this number for medical emergencies! So now that I've gone to the trouble of tracking down your emergency line while I'm choking to death on a Frosted Flake, I get a recording saying you're too busy to talk to me?!
I don't know what the hell they're doing over there at Kellogg's, but it sure ain't making crunchy cereal. Maybe they're all following the exercise regimen of their founder, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
FINAL RESULTS: TASTE
Our Cereal Sog Taste Test compared the taste of these six popular Kellogg's cereals on a scale of 0-10, both before and after sitting in an overnight milk bath. Comparing the differential between the two tests provides us with our winner: Kellogg's Raisin Bran. You can get in a good book, take a crap, cook dinner, and come back to find these things still pretty tasty.
FINAL RESULTS: CRUNCH
While neither Corn Pops nor Raisin Bran completely dissolved into mush, only Corn Pops could soak in milk for 24 hours, and stay just as crunchy as it started (which is to say, not very). On the Crunch scale, our winner is the never-too-crispy, never-too-soggy Kellogg's Corn Pops.
And if you're interested in asking Kellogg's why Rice Krispies should actually be called Rice Soggies, try their customer service line at 1-800-962-1413. Just post a message below if you ever manage to get through.
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
I always enjoy your articles, but next time you meet someone new, keep in mind that it's probably a better idea to chat about politics and religion instead of your personal tastes in cereal.
I guess it's just you that Kellogge(tm)s won't talk to! I just called the number and got right through! (it's Friday @2:13pm). A very cheerful computer voice answered the phone asking me why I was calling. If it was for this reason, press 1, for this reason, press 2 and finally to ask a question or make a comment about one of there products, to press 3. The nice voice asked if I had a complaint or a problem with one of their products and if I did, I needed to press 1. I pressed one and a different voice (didn't seem as cheerful to me-maybe ite(tm)s sad because this was the complaint department?) told me that all of the service reps were busy helping other customers (boy, busy at the Kellogge(tm)s complaint line) and told me to hold. I figured okay, no problem...I can hold for a while. I'm only at work, no biggie. While on hold I start to think about what I'm going to say when someone finally picks up. eoeUmmm, yes...hello? Hi. I was just reading a cereal sog test on line and well, I hate to say it but your product didn't fair so good. Do you have anything to say about that??e Yeah...that's good, I'll start with that. I look at the clock on my business phone to see that I have been on hold for 16 minutes now. No music, no kinda nice voice coming back on to let me know someone will be right with me...no nothing! I figured I'll give it a couple more minutes. It's Friday and I'm in a good mood. Well...after 23 minutes on hold I decided to give up. SoeI'm sorry to say I could not get your question answered for you, BUT...at least I was able to get through in the first place! Enjoy your soggy cereal!
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