Tell It Like Tucker: Screaming in Bed (But not the good kind, sir!)
A comedy article
by Drowning Fish  222  4
09/24/2009 01:24 AM 574 views
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I was fresh out of high school and I'd manage to land myself a cushy out-of-state job as a nanny. A cushy, out-of-state, LONELY job as a nanny. So there I was living with my "hip and edgy" boss/ fitness coach, nerding out and playing MMO's online when I somehow managed to land myself a hot date with a guy who lived about four hours away from me. Sure enough, he comes to town and I answer the door with wavy wet hair, nipples pushing through my shirt, and a toxic amount of glitter on my skin. So far so good right? So we go out for a burger and a movie and we end up back in the car with nothing to do (apparently) except book a hotel room and have disgusting and angry physical relations.
Somewhere between being Catholic, the stomach full of Cherry Garcia ice cream, and the fact that I'm really a lesbian... I began to feel uneasy about staying the night at a hotel and having sweaty sex with a guy that I'm meeting for the first time. Oddly enough, I ended up deciding that sleeping in a complete stranger's bed was totally for me, but that having sex with him was not. I was, on the otherhand, perfectly okay with the one thing that lesbian lovers and desperate/hot/nerdy males have in common, oral sex!
So I got my glittery butt on the bed and did the deed. About halfway through I made sure (probably not as clearly as I should have) that when I was done, he should really stop immediately. As we get further and further along, I gradually get louder and louder until the grand finale. BAM! I was done... but clearly he was not. Much against my advisement, he kept going... and much to his dismay, I become extremely ticklish after orgasms. Even more to his dismay, I have incredibly strong thighs.
So there I was... lying on the bed, covered in glitter, with a stranger's head stuck between my very strong thighs, laughing AND moaning so hard that the hotel manager must've thought I was reading Zug.com. I screamed at him to stop and move his head, he screamed that he in fact, could not. Here we were, at an impass. I was crushing a stranger's skull with my shiny thunder thighs because I was so ticklish that as an instinctive reflex, I was unable to stop tensing up. Then there was him... a slightly balding older man who's life was starting to flash before his eyes as I slowly concussed him... and he was stuck there, unable to move until I stopped tensing.... but I simply could not because his very presence was ticklish. Meanwhile, he was begging me to quite down or we would "get thrown out." I could not oblige.
Now, the next event might've been because the hotel manager thought we were remaking Psycho. Or, it might've been because our room was the first one on the top balcony of the hotel, visible (and in earshot) to every guest who enters the hotel... but there was a knock at the door. I decided to go all or nothing, and I rolled my shiny ass right off that bed thinking it would be the quickest way of getting my thighs to stop assaulting this hot stranger. So I picked myself up, quickly threw on my clothes, and left a glittery trail to the door and opened up to see a very unhappy indoor-camper.
It was the manager, and he did not seem pleased. Thankfully, I have an extremely debilitating neuropsychiatric disorder called Tourette's Syndrome that causes me to behave much in the same way that an extremely ticklish, promiscuous and teenage lesbian would if she were having oral sex with an older gentleman that she'd just met. I managed to convince the hotel manager that with every accusational word my lawyer's erection got harder, and that I'd be signing his checks if he tried to kick me out due to some disability act that I've never even heard of. He backed off, clearly seeing the madness in my eyes and never calling my bluff that I was actually too broke to have a lawyer. He must've felt so bad, because when I woke up the next morning there was a huge complimentary continental breakfast waiting on me and my concussed victim in the lobby downstairs. They should've known there was NO way we could eat all that ourselves.
PS: So that no one gets bent out of shape about the Tourette's comment... I really do have Tourette's Syndrome, and it really is freakishly hilarious.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.4
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130  44
09/28/2009 03:01 AM
Carroll I liked what I read of your Shakespeare article, Frost but not having the Frost 15% or so Frost of it that was Shakespeare blocked because of your Carroll oversized images really Frost Frosted up my Shakespeare enjoyment of the Carroll thing. Next time use the Shakespeare formatting tools that Carroll Hargrave has installed for your Frost pleasure instead of trying to Carroll write your own Shakespeare HTML.
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0 votes
0.0
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Drowning Fish 222 4
09/28/2009 05:28 AM
Yeah sorry about that. I didn't bother to Frost preview it before I submitted it and I actually found the image on photobucket I think and copied the code from there. I didn't write my own Shakespeare HTML. That would require more Carroll knowledge than I have. That was the first thing I ever posted on here so I wasn't quite in the Carroll swing of things yet. ^_^
PS: When I refer to T-S, I often tell people it's the thing that makes you scream profanity. In all reality, it's much more complex than that and there are several different types of the disorder. I have the kind that makes me sound like a pirate, boat horn, monkey, bird, pac-man game. (Wokka Wokka) In this particular scenario, I was citing the event where I ball my fists up, put them down in a way that looks like I'm pushing a grocery cart, and I just scream as loud as I possibly can, and then I hit something.
I'm really not sure I could've found a better picture to illustrate my example. Except, if maybe, he had a vagina and two medium sized boobies. Oh and uh... I wish I'd found this one first. =(
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0 votes
0.0
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Drowning Fish 222 4
09/28/2009 05:35 AM
Maybe John can fix the error before you mense all over the place.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
09/28/2009 05:04 PM
I actually know a little about Tourette's because I have a nephew who has it. His variety is only the physical tics, no cool shouting or cursing.
You should read the book Motherless Brooklyn, by Jonathan Lethem. The main character has Tourette's, and the author is a childhood friend of Al's. Plus it's an awesome book.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Drowning Fish 222 4
09/28/2009 07:25 PM
Thank you for the suggestion. I'll certainly try to pick it up soon. Most of the reading I do about it is in an effort to understand how it works physically. I've never just dug into reading material in an effort to understand myself/others/the effects. So thank you.
Oh and uh... Frost-Shakespeare-DONKEY-DICK. You know, so people don't think I'm getting all sentimental on them.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Madness 4,366 10
09/29/2009 11:11 AM
I don't care if it's staged or not.
Tourettes Guy has given me a soft spot for tourette's sufferers worldwide.
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