"It seems appropriate that I'm saving for porn in a pickle jar, but I'm not sure why."
A comedy article
by 666999x  149  4
09/25/2009 06:42 PM 931 views
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Sucking Ass Bigtime
I've been wanting to get me one of those fancy new DVD players everyone's got now, even my friend Darnell and he's dirt poor and lives in a motel room. He calls it an efficiency apartment but I know a motel room when I see one. His shower don't even work and he has to soak in the tub like a woman so I don't even see what's so efficient about it anyway.
It took me about 8 months of saving change in my pickle jar but I finally got one. I probably could've got one sooner if I didn't keep on raiding my stash for 30-packs of Keystone Light, but beer is perfect for watching the cockroaches scramble around in the garbage on the floor of my apartment. It also helps fill the void of, say, Tuesday night.
It's nothing fancy, just the regular kind with the little sliding tray and a remote I almost got figured out. It's not even made in China, but Indonesia, which also makes the plastic crap that keeps us fat rich Americans from getting bored and blowing up the Frost-ing world. It was only 24 bucks at Wal-Mart and now I won't have to use my VCR on Movie Night and feel like a loser with my 6 cats and popcorn that's not even microwave.
I was pretty excited heading down to Hollywood Experience to rent my first real live DVDs. I hadn't been there in a while since they only got like 20 video tapes for rent and they all suck ass bigtime. I still rented them anyway. Hell, I don't have cable and all I get on my tv is fuzzy PBS, which I can't make much sense out of except for Sesame Street.
They got a real hot chick working there behind the counter I always try and flirt with. According to her nametag she's called Jordan and I always slouch and wear my shades when I'm in there so she thinks I'm a super cool guy, but it's tough making headway when you're renting a VHS tape of Toy Story II for the 3rd time that month.
I thought this time would be different, what with me renting DVDs instead of lame-ass video tapes. Clearly that shows I'm on my way up in the world, doesn't it? If owning a DVD player ain't a sign of success, I don't know what is. But it was the same as always. She was yakking away on her cell phone like every pretty girl and didn't even hardly notice me there with my 2 DVDs.
They were New Releases and everything, but that don't mean much at Hollywood Experience because everything made after '99 is still considered 'new' there. That way they can stick you in the ass for the $2.99 instead of the buck Old Releases cost. They used to have it where anything in color was a New Release, but I guess a lot of people were bitching.
"I finally got me a sweet DVD player," I told her as I started piling change on the counter. f'+’f‚,f',f‚...f‚,f',f‚...“I'm pretty excited about it." She didn't say anything or even look at me, just took my money, threw it in the drawer and turned away, yakking on her cell phone like every pretty girl. She didn't even bother to count it. I could've ripped her off, but her hotness had me so rattled I was unable to focus on committing crime.
I got two movies I been wanting to see a long time. That gay cowboy movie Bareback Mountain and King Kong with Jack Black. I heard Bareback Mountain was an 'important film' and that the critics all dug it because it was about cowboys in Wyoming who are gay. I rented it because it was set in Wyoming which is like 10 miles from here, even though you can bet money when someone calls a movie a film it's gonna suck ass bigtime. King Kong on the other hand is about a giant monkey who falls in love with this little tiny woman. Not only did it sound kinky, but I figured it would be a laugh a minute what with Jack Black in it.
Boy, was I wrong. Both of these movies sucked ass bigtime. Especially the King Kong movie. Even though it had a giant monkey in it, it wasn't even funny. How in the hell could they drop the ball on that one? Giant monkey falls in love with little tiny woman plus Jack Black equals Frost-ing hilarious--or at least it should have.
As for Bareback Mountain, I dozed off as soon as I laid eyes on Heath Ledger. I guess he ate some drugs and keeled over awhile back. That means he'll be considered One Of The Greatest Actors Of All Time. Nothing makes a legacy like a celebrity doing something so Frost-ing stupid they end up blue and bloated on the floor of a toilet somewhere. It's instant brilliance.
This is all about porn anyway, so I don't know why I'm bothering you with all this other crap. Like most people, I got the DVD player so I could watch porn. You see, in the modern world porn comes on DVDs, not on VHS tapes. You can't even get VHS porn anymore, unless you went to a yard sale or something. Even if you could find some, it probably still has Ginger Lynn on it.
Don't get me wrong, I've spanked it many a time to Ginger Lynn, it's just that I was looking for something a little more "now". Something that had clothing and hairstyles I could recognize. I was tired of spanking it to porn versions of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I like feathered hair, leg warmers, furry pussies, and blue eye shadow as much as the next guy, but sometimes you're in the mood for plastic ball-boobs, tattoos, piercings, hairlessness, and spit.
f',f‚,My problem is I don't have enough money to buy any porn on DVD. So I put my pickle jar back up on the fridge, stuck in the last 78 cents I got left to my name, and began saving for Anal Sluts 42.
It seems appropriate that I'm saving for porn in a pickle jar, but I'm not sure why.
Yeah, Anal Sluts 42. I heard it was a good one but I never saw it. I guess all I can really do is hope.
The End
More comedy by Michael Kindt
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
11 votes
3.5
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348  4
09/25/2009 07:41 PM
Nice aritcle, but...
I can teach you how to get unlimited porn.
Do a Google search for "xx_."
I'll tell you the last digit of the secret code upon payment.
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Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.7
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
09/25/2009 08:12 PM
Or, you can just eat a bowl of dick and stop being an idiot!
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Side-splitting
4 votes
5.0
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Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
09/25/2009 08:34 PM
It was only 24 bucks at Wal-Mart and now I won't have to use my VCR on Movie Night and feel like a loser with my 6 cats and popcorn that's not even microwave.
Now I see all your problems can be solved in this one sentence.
Microwave the cats.
This saves money on food, for you and the cats. Also, you can't tell me there is a DVD out there as entertaining as watching cats esplode in the microwave one by one. With the money saved, you can but all the Keystone you want for ever.
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Funny
5 votes
3.6
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
09/25/2009 09:45 PM
"f'+e(tm)fes,f',fes...fes,f',fes...eoeI'm pretty excited about it."
It's hard to make a good first impression on a hot chick when you're stuttering, stammering and spraying spit all over her. You have my sympathy.
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Funny
5 votes
3.6
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Redwing 3,887 30
09/25/2009 10:40 PM
I could've ripped her off, but her hotness had me so rattled I was unable to focus on committing crime.
If I ever need an alibi, I'm using this line.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
09/26/2009 01:36 PM
You see, in the modern world porn comes on DVDs, not on VHS tapes.
I am so glad you explained this to me. I thought my record player was broken.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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Chance 171,275 14
09/26/2009 04:44 PM
I just fell in love!
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Chance 171,275 14
09/26/2009 05:03 PM
Although, its not real-life comedy really is it? Great at telling a story though.
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