Azeroth Exile 129 4
09/25/2009 09:33 PM

I had a middle school teacher tell the story about his suicidal thoughts. Below, my pathetic attempt to retell his story 15 years later:

"I hated my job. It was the type of job that every day I went to work I dreaded getting there. And every night, I'd speed for the first 15 miles to put some distance between me and that job. It was a long drive home, over 30 miles worth of interstate driving was involved - so I only sped a little; I didn't want to tempt fate. The drive was long, but traffic moved along briskly. So instead of being able to focus on traffic, I was left to set cruise control and think. Whizzing by the landscape at 65, I hated every moment I was wasting at that job. This was back in the 80's when auto safety was a secondary issue, and guardrails/airbags were options for rich states/cars. One day during that soul crushing trip, I noticed that none of the overpass bridge supports had guard rails protecting them. The only thing between my car and a 10 ton concrete pylon was about 15 degrees difference on my steering wheel. And I realized, at these speeds - and in this car - it would be a near instant death. It would be an accident - no one would crash into one of those on purpose. All my life insurance would pay out to my family. Even if they just put it in the bank, they could live off the interest.

Azeroth Exile 129 4
09/25/2009 09:33 PM

So I changed lanes to get closer and envision the result. Yeah, I could do this...I could aim the vehicle and close my eyes. One minute I'm driving home, and the next minute I'm setting the family up for life. Every overpass I drove by gave me an opportunity to size it up - this one was in a left turn - too hard to hit; this one was in a right turn - it would look like i got distracted and drove into it. And as I prepared myself to pick a pylon and make my move, I thought of all the movies where they ask the death row inmate what his last request is. And I suddenly had one. I wanted one last Arby's Beef 'n' Cheddar sandwich. So I decided I'd take the family out for my "last meal" that night, and have my accident the next night.
When I got home, my wife could tell something was wrong, and she asked me. I never lie to her (she'd catch me), so I told her: I hate my job; I thought about crashing my car today on the way home to kill myself. "Quit your job" she said. I told her we had bills to pay, and obligations - she interrupted me "QUIT YOUR DAMN JOB! We'll scrimp and live off my income". And suddenly I came to my senses: quitting my job made way more sense than suicide.
And that, is the story of how Arby's Beef 'n' Cheddar saved my life."

Thanks for being a great teacher, Mr. Harwell.

Azeroth Exile 129 4
09/25/2009 09:39 PM

Also, part of the comedy of this is the fact that I screwed up and made it a conversation, which only allowed 350 words. If an enterprising mod wants to combine it into an article like it should have been, knock yourself out.

I'm a moran.

Dogs Akimbo 211,612 32
09/25/2009 09:43 PM

Up on Cripple Creek, she sends me.

cakes and ale 2,404 6
09/25/2009 09:51 PM

I'm a moran.

No, you're a moron.

Azeroth Exile 129 4
09/25/2009 10:04 PM

I'm a total moran.

Redwing 3,887 30
09/25/2009 10:28 PM

I found that a couple of hits from a doobie takes me far away from my job...way far and away. And I love my job. Congrats Mr. History teacher for not takin' the cowardly way out, hope ya paid your wife back for saving your ass.

Also, good arcticle.

BC Bud 13,797 15
09/25/2009 11:08 PM

Damn only 16 degrees away from not having to read this story...

Chance 171,275 14
09/28/2009 06:51 AM

Heh moran. How ironic.

Dontcha think?