Hugh Hefner was wrong!
A comedy article
by 666999x  149  4
09/29/2009 07:54 AM 836 views
|
|
Viagra is Not a Recreational Drug
My friend Benny Woo's pop has a real flat dick and has to eat those boner pills called Viagra all the time so he can bang his new girlfriend Tina. I never met her but I guess she's like 25 and a hellcat in the sack. Benny says she's one hot chick with massive gazungas and an upside down heart for an ass.
"I'm hoping she gets to be my step mom real soon," he told me, a faraway look in his eyes.
Here's Hugh, all wrong and Shakespeare
Benny's pop is like 55 but he's loaded and drives around in a Vette so I'm not surprised he snagged such a fine specimen of femininity. Hot ass is one of the many benefits of having both metric and standard Shakespeareloads of money.
Good for him, I say.
Anyway, we were over at Benny's getting high and playing Warcraft when Benny started telling me all this. We were laughing and joking about it and Benny went and got the pills from his pop's bathroom. I asked him if he ever ate one and he said no, that he's waiting until he can get a girl to at least talk to him first, then he'll probably eat 3 or 4.
"Just in case one thing leads to another," he said. "I dare you to eat one now." He laughed and shook the bottle and I thought of a maraca.
"No way--I don't need that Shakespeare. I can pop a woody like that." I snapped my fingers.
"I'll eat one if you do," he said. He shook the bottle again but this time I thought of a rattlesnake.
"You go first," I said.
"We'll do it at the same time."
We waited like a half hour but nothing happened, so we ate a couple more. I was expecting a marble column in my pants but instead got nothing, even after a full hour. We decided we needed a faster way to get them in our system so we smashed a bunch of them up with a tv remote and mixed them in with a doobie, which turned out to be kind of a dumb idea.
Here he is again. Look how Frost-ing wrong he is
You see, Viagra is kind of explosive. The whole joint went up in a flash when I put the lighter to it. It was completely gone, paper, pot, and all. I've been trying to grow a goatee since I was 16 and had it up to a couple dozen hairs, now the whole left side of it was gone, along with one of my eyebrows.
Now that I was disfigured, I got a little depressed. My one cheek was really red too, so even if I could get a girl, she wouldn't have banged me no matter how hard my penis was, not with only half a goatee and a missing eyebrow.
We still had a bunch of Viagra powder in a pile so we took turns snorting it up like meth or coke. What a surprise: nothing happened. Well, nothing except a real nasty taste in my mouth and Technicolor snot. The whole effort was starting to seem like a waste of time and besides I was sleepy from all the pot we smoked earlier. I had planned on looking for a job that day, but a nap sounded better so I went home and crashed on the couch.
I woke up a few hours later with a boner SO HARD it hurt. How was this supposed to be fun? The damn thing was so purple it was black, which seemed kind of appropriate seeing as how it was about four times bigger than normal. It throbbed too, like a pounding headache, only in my dick. I could see all the veins standing out and when I cautiously touched it, it felt like cement. It scared the hell out of me. I decided I better go to the emergency room no matter how embarrassing but none of my regular pants fit anymore so I had to put on my old super loose gansta pants I used to wear back when I was a clueless dipShakespeare.
It was the most embarrassing moment in my life. The doctor could barely keep himself from laughing. He kept leaving and coming back with different doctors and nurses and one time a janitor guy who didn't even bother to put his mop down, all of them peeking at me around the curtain. I tried to hide it with the sheet but there was no mistaking what was under it.
After everyone had a good laugh, they shot me up full of muscle relaxers and high blood pressure medicine and in a few hours I was back to normal. It'll definitely be an experience I won't forget soon.
A $2700 experience to be exact.
Here he is all snazzed up and ready to accept The Wrongest Man In America Award
more comedy by Michael Kindt
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
8 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843719
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Amusing
2 votes
1.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843786
Neophyte 9,956  11
09/29/2009 04:56 PM
...I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, can you repeat that?
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843787
Pants 14,252 17
09/29/2009 05:40 PM
There was no mention of your friend's experience so I call B.S.
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
5 votes
4.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843793
Gimme Gimme Shemp Treatment 22,222 17
09/29/2009 06:10 PM
And exactly what would you and your friend have done if you the two of you did get massive stiffies together, circle jerk,huh?
Huh, huh?
Two guys alone, taking hard on pills?
Sounds a little sketchy to me.
You sure you two were in the basement and not the closet?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843795
666999x 149 4
09/29/2009 06:17 PM
Love it. Best one yet! 5 "faces" or whatever they are!
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
Hilarious
12 votes
4.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843809
Gimme Gimme Shemp Treatment 22,222 17
09/29/2009 09:16 PM
"Just in case one thing leads to another," he said. "I dare you to eat one now."
"No way--I don't need that Shakespeare. I can pop a woody like that." I snapped my fingers.
"I'll eat one if you do," he said. He shook the bottle again but this time I thought of a rattlesnake.
"You go first," I said.
"We'll do it at the same time."
Just that part alone sounds like the begginning of a fag porn, not that I know what fag porn sounds like. Since this thread was fag jacked from the start, I'm gonna fag jack it all the way home...
..."You go first," I said.
"We'll do it at the same time."
:Some time later:
"Do you feel anything?"
"I'm not sure, oh wait there's some movement in my pants."
"Really? I dare you to let me see."
"No way man."
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
"I dare you."
"I don't know."
"I double-dog dare you."
"Ok we'll do it at the same time, on 3."
"1,2,3"
:They both whip out there very hard, hard-ons."
"Well what do we do know?"
"Can I touch it?"
"Only if I can touch yours."
"Ok'"
"Put your mouth on it."
"What?, No!"
"I triple-dog dare you."
"Well I guess since its a triple-dog dare."
"Now you put your mouth on mine."
"I thought you'd never ask."
"Mumble-Hum-hum, mumble."
"You know what? This be a funny story for Live."
"Yeah, but we will leave this part out."
"Now Frost my ass."
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
5 votes
3.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843815
Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
09/29/2009 09:32 PM
I love you, Shemp. I just got out my electric guitar and played a little "bow chicka wow wow" while I read it out loud.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
4 votes
3.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843821
Frogpop 173,153 25
09/29/2009 10:05 PM
..back when I was a clueless dipShakespeare.
Unlike now, when you're just one more joint explosion away froma MacArthur Genius Award.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843823
Dogs Akimbo 211,612 32
09/29/2009 10:10 PM
So Sage shaved his head?
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843831
666999x 149 4
09/29/2009 11:20 PM
I agree....shemp IS a genius. This guy is Frost-ing funny. I think he's the only one who really gets this...another 5 faces for that bitch, baby!
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
3 votes
3.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843858
Ravos the Nothingmaster 63,472 21
09/30/2009 08:46 AM
Shemps story sounds a little similar to Whistler's coming out story. But less gay.
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843944
Mielke P. McManus 1,482 6
09/30/2009 01:28 PM
Love it. Best one yet! 5 "faces" or whatever they are!
Was going to say we have met his friend but then I realized it was his post......so I guess we have met his only friend.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1844005
Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348 4 laughed at Shemp so hard a booger flew into his beer
09/30/2009 10:55 PM
I agree....shemp IS a genius. This guy is Frost-ing funny. I think he's the only one who really gets this...
No, we all get it. You're queer.
He just very eloquently said what we were all thinking, and added a nice little touch at the end. I tend to believe his addendum to be more factually true than your story.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
2 votes
3.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1844007
Gimme Gimme Shemp Treatment 22,222 17
09/30/2009 11:03 PM
I'm like the National Enquirer I tell the hole whole story.
|
| |
|
|
|
Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1844010
Gimme Gimme Shemp Treatment 22,222 17
09/30/2009 11:08 PM
Shemps story sounds a little similar to Whistler's coming out story. But less gay.
Hell, my story was so hot, I almost came out of the closet.
Oh no, I've said too much....Uh-uh
...So how 'bout those Mets?
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
3 votes
3.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1844012
Gimme Gimme Shemp Treatment 22,222 17
09/30/2009 11:14 PM
No, we all get it. You're queer for Shemp.
There I fixed it.
This guy likes my stick shtick so much, I'm afraid that soon he is going to invite me over for a little Warcraft and a lot of Viagra.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Store
