[If you're just joining us, read the story of how this experiment began.]
NO HANDGUNS EXPERIMENT #3: FEDEX OFFICE
Following my successful run of posting my greatest fears in the form of a "No Handguns" type sign, I decided to take the night off and think about where to hang the other eight posters. I felt that I needed to perfect the art of the "poster drive by" so that I could knock this out without having some raving lunatic run out and punch me in my Stove Top stuffing.
I embarked on what could only be termed as lacing a nightmare with a nightmare.
I have a particular loathing for corporate chain stores that buy up mom and pop shops and turn them into customer service disasters. First on this list was FedEx Office.
This is that quaint little copy store that started off as Kinko's, then migrated to FedEx Kinko's, then into this amalgamation of sin and desperation. Like all midnight copiers that are nowhere near a college, the people in these stores are usually very white and resemble a band member for The Cure.
For FedEx Orifice, I chose this sign:
With my sign taped up and ready to stick, I calmly walked toward the store. Inside, a few pale patrons looked at me as if I was going to post a picture of my lost miniature poodle. I smiled at them, like the all-too-quiet neighbor. I even held the door for an elderly Queen fan and his boyfriend. As I posted the sign, I added a brief window-humping dance to accentuate the placement, then stood back to admire my work.
Time for a call. First, I'm greeted with a menu of options. I start by pressing random buttons, because I have the patience of a 2 year-old seeking a nipple. I hang up and redial twice before I can speak to a team member.
FEDEX OFFICE: Thanks for calling Fedex Kinko's, uh, Office, how can I assist you?
CLIVE: [Using my stoner voice] Uh ... I'm a ... wondering. Is this the Kinko's on 87th?
FEDEX OFFICE: Yes, it is.
CLIVE: [I sit in silence]
FEDEX OFFICE: Hello?
CLIVE: Hello. Who's calling?
FEDEX OFFICE: Fedex Office, how can I assist you? [He got it right this time]
CLIVE: Oh, I was uh...at your store the other day and I saw a sign. [Long pause]
FEDEX OFFICE: Yes?
CLIVE: Uh ... I'm not from here and the sign confused me.
FEDEX OFFICE: OK.
CLIVE: Yeah, you see, it was a violence sign. It said no weapons.
FEDEX OFFICE: Well, they are scattered throughout the area.
CLIVE: Well, I'm not from here.
FEDEX OFFICE: You said that.
CLIVE: It confused me. What's a medieval weapon? Is that like a mace? Like Braveheart?
FEDEX OFFICE: Sir, that's a picture of a handgun...
CLIVE: [Interrupting] I get confused ... between the Irish thing and the Jesus movie. Was Jesus Scottish or something? Did you know Mel Gibson wasn't even in the Jesus movie?
I can now hear him laughing, so I take a bottle of water and try to make bong bubble sounds. It doesn't work and I end up spilling half of it down the front of me while on the phone. He's completely lost it and I can tell he's not aware of the sign even though I did my best to hump the window while attaching it. I've had enough of the guy so I end the call by saying, "Dude, I gotta sleep," then hang up.
Three down, seven to go.
Next: Crapplebee's!
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