[If you're just joining us, read the story of how this experiment began.]
NO HANDGUNS EXPERIMENT #5: DENTIST'S OFFICE
Four down, six to go. I gave up on one of the signs when I found out that throwing stars are already banned in several regions throughout the country, so the "No Throwing Stars" sign would have to wait.
I jumped in my magnificent gunmetal color Chrysler 300, poverty model, and drove past the endless strip malls of Johnson County, Kansas. As everyone knows, it's the greatest county in the world. I don't live there. With odd small businesses and sex stores strewn throughout the landscape, there was ample opportunity to spot the all-too-familiar "No Handguns" signs.
As I crossed over into the "Kansas Wealthy" neighborhood, I saw a prime target: dentist's office. Who doesn't hate going to dentist? Kansas may not be Arkansas, but we do have our share of toothless hillbillies.
The office was bustling with business, but no toothless people in sight. I checked that the coast was clear, then rapidly moved my legs in a semi-run motion with my butt cheeks fully clenched. I had one of those poop/fart combo things in the chamber so clenching was necessary.
I pasted the sign to the door as the attractive lady behind the counter waved at me. I waved back, smiled, then turned and walked away briskly. I had been spotted. I wondered if there was a gun trained at my head for posting this sign:
I had long feared small people, or midgets as they called in the Bridge Players Association of America. I was once suprised by a raspy-voiced midget outside an office building in downtown Denver. I had nearly run over her in a hurry out of the building. She attempted a UFC headbutt aimed at my groin with her oversized head while yelling "Watch it, buddy." I didn't think she was talking to me, as my name is not Buddy. I felt my face redden as she attempted another headbutt stroke toward my rapidly shrinking Johnson so I ran away screaming like a frightened farm hand. Since then, fear.
Anyway, I thought the word "midget" was insensitive, so I chose "gnome" for the sign.
After being spotted, I wondered if the dental hottie would bust me. So I called.
DENTAL HOTTIE: Dentist office, can you hold please?
CLIVE: No... [She puts me on hold anyway.]
DENTAL HOTTIE: Thank you for holding, how can I help you?
CLIVE: [Mustering up my best raspy, chain-smoking, female voice.] Yes, I was just at your office and I saw a sign that said NO GNOMES. What is the meaning of this?
DENTAL HOTTIE: Sir, I think...
CLIVE: Ma'am.
DENTAL HOTTIE: Excuse me?
CLIVE: I'm a ma'am. I'm a female, a woman. I have 1.7 breasts, a vagina and plenty of estrogen. I have a deep voice. That's all.
DENTAL HOTTIE: [I could actually hear the hottie's face turning red.] Ma'am, I'm very sorry. I believe you're mistaken. We don't have a sign like that.
CLIVE: Yes you do, and I don't want to argue with you but I've got a nail appointment with my little Vietnamese man who looks like a gnome and I feel bad for him.
DENTAL HOTTIE: Ma'am, we don't have a sign like that.
CLIVE: You do and I want you to take it down now. You're going to force me to call the fire department and report a virus.
DENTAL HOTTIE: Excuse me? I have no idea what that means. I have a patient that I need to attend to, so I've got to hang up now.
CLIVE: If you don't take the sign down, I'm going to report you to a federal bureau.
DENTAL HOTTIE: Thank you, ma'am. [Hangs up]
I saw people looking at the sign with amusement as they entered the office. My pranks were bringing joy to the world. Unlike handguns, which only bring high-velocity bullets.
Next: Ninja Sushi!
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