Twits of the Week: Fred Durst! Martha Stewart! And More!
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland | 09/30/2009 05:39 PM | 1719 views
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Once again I bring you the worst tweets of celebrities who think that people might be interested in their 140-character, badly misspelled thoughts. On to the Twits!
Fred Durst (@FredDurst)
John Otto is online waiting for a Madden 10 invite match on my gamertag Evan Jealous. Bring it.
Wait ... who?
He's the gruff frontman for Limp Bizkit. You know, the guys that ruined that George Michael song? Did it all for the nookie? Wrote a really Shakespearety theme song to a Mission: Impossible movie? Still nothing? Well shoot. Suffice to say Limp Bizkit jumped on the coattails of a band called Korn and for a few months in the late '90s it was incredibly cool to be a growling white trash retard with a goofy hat and a penchant for screaming "Frost" every other word. Then Kid Rock kinda stole their thunder by adding hillbilly patriotism to the mix and ol' Fred's been trying to regain his fame any way he can think of.
Why are you tweeting that?!
So it's come to this, eh Fred? Years after taking the Wal-Mart crowd by storm with hits like "Nookie" and "Break Stuff" you're beaming a lonely little paragraph out into cyberspace begging people to play video games with your drummer so you can watch. I imagine playing a game of football against these guys is constantly interrupted by questions like, "So ... did you buy our last album?" "Why not?" "You wanna hang out sometime?" and "Would you even miss me if I killed myself right now?" Jesus Fred, I just want to kick an extra point and go home.
Deborah Gibson (@DeborahGibson)
New personalized glossy now available from the DG website: http://www.deborah-gibson.c... Tell your friends!
Wait ... who?
You remember Debbie Gibson. She's the '80s teen idol who wrote everyone's favorite cerebral palsy-inspired ballad "Shake Your Love." She went toe to toe with Tiffany for awhile in the battle for pre-teens' hearts, minds and wallets but eventually Father Time crushed them both. Now she's Deborah Gibson and does shoots in Playboy to drum up interest in her new albums. She's also a bigtime hit at Gay Pride parades across the country, so she's either an extremely passable tranny or a horrible enough-looking woman that she could be confused for a guy trying to look like a woman.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Assuming I can explain to any of my friends who you are, Debbie, if I come running down the street screaming with joy that there are new Debbie Gibson personalized glossy photos available for purchase at your website I'm going to be punched in the face hard enough to stun me so that I can be kicked in the nuts hard enough to cause testicular implosion. What happened to the good ol' days when a fan could seek something like this out on their own? Can't you focus on music or acting or whatever you're pretending to be talented at and stop mentioning you have stuff for sale?
Mark Hoppus (@MarkHoppus)
Least fun puzzle game ever: Rubik's Pube.
Wait ... who?
He's the bass player and sometimes frontman for Blink-182, the dead but reunited pop-punk band that said, "So what if 1998 is over?!" and now currently tours in front of thousands of wistful 25-year-olds and their confused younger siblings who are waiting for Fallout Boy to show up. He's also an advocate for awareness on global warming, which is easy to tell since he spends his year hauling a giant stage in trucks and buses and flying across the world to place a massive drain on the local power grid for a few hours at a time.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Did I mention he's also a huge jackass? I guess I didn't have to since this is Twit of the Week, but Mark Hoppus is 37 going on 12 and still thinks words like "pube" are the epoch of comedy. Rubik's Pube! Ha! I can imagine they would all be dyed different colors like the cube, but they're pubes! Gross! Red pubes, like Ronald McDonald! Ha, what would it be like to give Ronald McDonald a BJ? Gross, right?! Ha ha! Want to touch wieners? Hoppus is so juvenile and obsessed with gential humor that I have to assume he was molested, possibly by a member of the McDonald's mascot team.
Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart)
francesca either has lyme or possibly ate a spider that temporarily paralyzed her hind quarters- this is very weird, but she is feeling good
Wait ... who?
C'mon. She's the original domestic goddess with a little prison time under her belt but don't dwell on that because she's going to make you an amazing pumpkin squash quiche and show you how to turn some sticks in your yard into a fondu set. Don't question Martha's cred.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Given Martha's detached, unemotional demeanor in general I honestly can't tell if she's talking about a pet or a personal assistant. I bet she has a hard time telling the difference, too. I like to imagine some poor 24-year-old college intern curled up on a dog bed sweating profusely and trying desperately to stand while Martha loads a shotgun and says, "Come on girl. You've only got to make it to the barn and everything will be okay." Imagine how creepy Ol' Yeller would be if at the end Travis shot him and just sort of stared, confused, trying to comprehend not the mysteries of life and death in this world, but if he should be concerned at all about snuffing out another living organism.
And your Twit of the Week is...
Mika Tan! (@Mika_Tan)
Dream on This: "The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary." -Vince Lombardi
Wait ... who?
She's an Asian porn star. According to Wikipedia, she's also a fetish model specializing in "BDSM/stocking and pantyhose fetish." I'm not sure what's different between stockings and pantyhose, but I trust true sweaty pantyhose porn connoisseurs to know. Honestly what more do you say with porn stars? She was born in Hawaii, further adding to Barack Obama's example that you really can grow up anywhere and become anything, and she currently works at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Mound House, NV as a whore. For real. You can drive there right now and pay money to have sex with her. I accept no liability whatsoever if you decide to pay money to have sex with a woman who's been paid to have sex almost daily for the last 13 years though.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Finally, a sex worker with a little football knowledge, am I right fellas?! Vince Lombardi is one of the most celebrated coaches in NFL history (the Superbowl trophy is named after him), so I can only imagine the fountain of sports-related motivational tidbits that spew from Mika Tan's mouth during sex (when her mouth isn't full). Is there a good Vince Lombardi quote for "performance anxiety?"
"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will."
Ouch. What about any advice for guys who aren't packing porn star-sized measurements?
"The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have."
Couldn't agree more. What about any motivational advice for a guy who's just contracted herpes in a remote town in Nevada by screwing an Asian porn star with a penchant for anal?
"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious."
Y'know, the man was a legend for a reason.
Got a celebrity tweet you'd like to see skewered? Post it here! And don't forget to follow @Zugtweet for updates!
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
13 votes
4.5
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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John Hargrave
09/30/2009 05:40 PM
Bravo. One of your best.
Both times you've featured Martha Stewart I've laughed out loud at how random her tweets are. I've got to follow her, just to be entertained.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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cycoivan
09/30/2009 07:51 PM
SQUEEEEE!!!!! THE NEW DEBBIE GIBSON GLOSSIES ARE IN! I GOTTA GET MY MOM TO BUY ME ONE!!!!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Mighty Kind
09/30/2009 08:29 PM
If you are an american man in his mid to late 30's, you rubbed one out to a Debbie Gibson video and you cannot deny it.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Randall Cleveland
09/30/2009 11:35 PM
I waited 'til she hit Playboy.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
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Frogpop
10/01/2009 03:10 AM
Stockings stop somewhere on the leg, whereas pantyhose go all the way up to the waist.
What?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Your What?! Hurts?
10/01/2009 10:45 AM
Hmmm, seems like they both ended up pooled up around her legs, so ... what-Frost-ing-ever!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Whistler P. McManus
10/01/2009 12:00 PM
I think Fred Durst is a tool. My son told me that I should go see this movie that he directed, that maybe I would change my mind and think that Fred had just chosen the wrong career. My son thought this movie was really good.
So I went to see it (sorry, but I can't remember the name of the movie).
Except for Eva Amurri's breasts, it was awful.
I highly recommend that all of you with penii or lesbian tendencies put it on your Netflix list.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus
10/01/2009 12:02 PM
Yeah, that comment required a pic.
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0 votes
0.0
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Shell Belle
10/01/2009 12:19 PM
Debbie Gibson was at the height of her popularity when I was in high school. All of the guys used to make fun of her songs.
"I get lost, in your thighs. And I feel my spirits rise.."
Great article!
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0 votes
0.0
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Mielke
10/01/2009 12:41 PM
So if Debbie could make pie like Martha and dress as an Asian porn star and have "Nookie" for money I guarantee you wouldn't Blink182 at her.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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cycoivan
10/01/2009 01:06 PM
That movie is "The Education of Charlie Banks". I've never seen it, nor do I really want to given Whistler's glowing review. I mean he's already posted the only reason I'd see it, so why bother?
Fred Durst did direct a few episodes of House that I liked, but I think that was in spite of him. When you have competent writers and actors, it just kind of makes itself. Hell, I could direct House.
"You there, limpy, go do your thing and act and I'll be in my trailer giving direction to the ladies. Holla if you need me"
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Whistler P. McManus
10/01/2009 01:27 PM
That's it - The Education of Charlie Banks. Despite having that one guy from that movie that I liked and that other guy from that other movie I liked in it, and Eva's two supported actresses, it didn't hold together.
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