[If you're just joining us, read the story of how this experiment began.]
NO HANDGUNS EXPERIMENT #8: KARATE CENTER
Later that afternoon, I headed to the local karate center to crack down on the world's most dangerous weapon. I took this sign out of my bag, and affixed tape to the back.
As a youngster, I was more of a Bruce Lee fan than Chuck Norris, especially after Bruce killed him in Way of the Dragon. But when Bruce died and Chuck came back to life, hairy back and all, I became fearful. In the eighties, he single-handedly won the Vietnam war. Then when W was elected, or sometime before that, Chuck Norris ran Texas. That's just an overly impressive resume of fear mongering only topped by Vin Diesel or Han Solo.
I exit the car, walk up to the building, when I'm greeted by some sort of guy wearing white pajamas and a black belt with his name on it. He's wearing flip flops, so I guess he's some sort of stoner.
PAJAMA SCOTT: "Hi, my name's Scott, are you here for the free class?"
CLIVE: "Uh, whooo, uh, no, I'm looking for Susy." [I smile]
PAJAMA SCOTT: "Oh, OK. Well, here's a flier for our demo night and a free class. You should try it, it's really fun."
CLIVE: "Thanks but my doctor said I'm not supposed to breathe too many times in a day. It's bad for my lungs."
I leave in disgust then wait in my car for a long time. Every ten minutes or so, someone is either sitting just inside the door or standing outside. I guess cults can't be too safe these days.
While wallowing in my psuedo-leather seats, I remember that Chuck Norris once fought the entire Viet Cong army with Rambo in Taiwan, so I drove two short blocks away and stopped in a little Thai place called, for the purposes of not being sued, "Yum Yum Thai."
I execute a perfect reverse hump stick butt plaster on the open door, then casually stroll away. I walk not two steps and I'm nearly run down by a large black van that's sporting a MILITARY POLICE license plate. "Now I've done it," I thought as I stood there and took a picture. Chuck Norris has his own contingent of military police who can arrive at a moment's notice to remove signs.
My ninja skills somehow got me out of the parking lot. I looked up the number for the restaurant and called while blasting music.
YUM YUM GIRL 1: Thanks for calling Yum Yum Thai! This is Amber, how can I help you?
CLIVE: Hi.
YUM YUM GIRL 1: [Cheerily] Hi!
CLIVE: How's it going?
YUM YUM GIRL 1: I'm good, how are you?
CLIVE: What?
YUM YUM GIRL 1: How are you?
CLIVE: I'm glad you asked. You see, I was just at your store. Wait, is this the Yum Yum Thai in New York?
YUM YUM GIRL 1: No, we're in...
CLIVE: Portland?
YUM YUM GIRL 1: No, we're in...
CLIVE: Oh good, well, I was walking by the store and I saw a sign that said No Chuck Norris.
YUM YUM GIRL 1: Ah, what?
CLIVE: There's a sign on your front door thing deal that says No Chuck Norris.
YUM YUM GIRL 1: Hold on.
YUM YUM GIRL 2: [2.8 second pause] Hello, how can I help you?
CLIVE: Did that other girl not speak English?
YUM YUM GIRL 2: No, she's speaks English, she's white.
CLIVE: I really don't think this is a racial issue. Anyway, I saw that you have a sign on the door that says No Chuck Norris.
YUM YUM GIRL 2: Yeah, I saw that when I just came in. [She was the one in the black van]
CLIVE: Ah, so then you can answer my obvious question: My name is not Chuck Norris, so I'm wondering if this means that Karate Dudes can't come in?
YUM YUM GIRL 2: No, I think someone's...
CLIVE: How about Kung Fu?
YUM YUM GIRL 2: No, I mean yes, you can come in the store. I think...
CLIVE: Capoetta? You know that dancey thing that is set to the beat of a drum and a noisy whistle deal? I heard Wesley Snipes was into Capoetta before he attacked the government of Guam with his tax shelter.
YUM YUM GIRL 2: It's all fine sir, I think someone is playing a joke.
CLIVE: So, I, being a ninja who is practiced in the dark arts of the ninja-time can come into your store, eat your food and then disappear?
[She's now laughing, so I laugh along with her]
YUM YUM GIRL 2: That's fine, but I'd like you to pay for what you eat. [Laughs more]
CLIVE: Well, thanks for clearing that up. I'll see you in a few minutes.
My experiment was to test and improve the "No Handguns" sign at a variety of local businesses. On that point, I utterly failed. But my other mission was to conquer my ten worst fears by making NO signs for each, then getting them out in the open. On that point, I succeeded.
It's great to know that if I ever walk into a dark alley and come across a posse consisting of a ninja armed with throwing stars, Mr. Miyagi poised with medieval weapons, a wizard planning to launch a trebuchet, a pimp ready to hurl an angry gnome, and Chuck Norris brandishing an angry, three-legged dog, I'll be able to stay cool and collected.
Either that, or I'll crap my pants.
If you enjoyed The No Handguns Experiment, you might also enjoy The Dungeons and Dragons Dice Experiment, in which Clive McClure tries to live his life according to a 20-sided D&D die.
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