Avoiding Facebook Failures
A comedy article
by TomServo  3,759  7
10/02/2009 06:34 AM 1027 views
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[b]
There is simply no running from the information-guzzling monster that is Facebook. At this stage even those who formed the die-hard opposition are signing up for fear of being banished to a digital leper colony.
Gone are the days when all we had to worry about was making sure our zip was up before a meeting. In this brave new world of social media, the opportunity for balls-ups is limitless. While your brain will have to do some of the work, I have some advice for the 3 trickiest Facebook moments.
1.) Accepting Friends
Whether it be the drunken hook-up, the boss or simply a person you do not recognize, the unwanted or unexpected friend request is the single most awkward event on Facebook. The way in which you handle these requests can make your online life much easier, or turn it into something resembling the Hindenburg’s final flight.
The Drunken Hook-up Invite
We have all clicked on the “you have 1 new friend request” button hoping to see the picture of a woman that you always wanted to get in the sack only to be met with an image of the Gollum you hooked up with last night after one too many tequilas.
Yes the days of simply giving her the number for Mr. Delivery and moving on have passed. She will find you. When she does the easiest route forward is to simply ignore the request and, if you are unlucky enough to bump into her again, claim that you hardly ever check your Facebook profile.
This method does have its risks and you will be best served by having a quick glance through your mutual friends to see who could be offended by your imminent rejection (what, you didn’t know she was your biggest client’s niece when you hooked up?) If the risk is too high you may have to accept this request and add her to your limited profile thereby eliminating her ability to find out where you work, your phone number, or if you own any bunnies she can cook. The preferable alternative is to add your mutual friends to a limited list so they will never have the info to blow your “Don’t check Facebook” cover and you don’t offend anyone.
The Boss-man Request
If your boss has invited you as an FB friend you have no choice but to accept. This is the social media equivalent of him asking you to join his four-ball.
Limited profile is vital. Check these settings very carefully, you can add people to your friends list who can’t see any of your status updates or pictures. You may need to tweak the settings even more to find the perfect balance.
It is wise to remember that it may not only be your posts that could get you into hot water here. Do you really think your mate, who once thought shooting bottle rockets at your thatch roof was a good idea, cares about what he writes on your wall?
The Unknown Friend Request
This request seems to be more and more common, while many of these requests are completely harmless and originate from people who see Facebook as a popularity contest, some can be more sinister. Ex’s have ways of spawning new identities after you break up.
Once again, by using the mutual friends function you maybe able to jog your memory as to who the potential friend is. If you are still at a loss, but your self-esteem needs the kick that only a new Facebook friend can give, add the friend to your limited profile in order to browse theirs. If you find that this is the kid you made fun of in nursery school because he had the old A-Team bedspread and you had the new one, you may want to check what groups he belongs to. Certain groups should raise alarm bells and if you discover that he is now a member of the “I love Charles Manson fan page”, you have a small problem and unless you feel your life needs the excitement of sniper fire you should remove the friend immediately.
2.)Relationship Status
Setting your relationship status is not as hard as what some people make out. The rules are pretty simple.
-If you have been seeing someone that is now pregnant with your third child, it’s time to formalize it on Facebook.
-If you have been seeing someone who has not previously been on your friends list and now is, then think about how you introduce this person to your friends and act accordingly.
-If you like her but the relationship is new and you don’t want to ruin your chances with the array of beautiful women that have been warming to your irresistible charm, you can set your profile not to display your relationship status at all.
-If you are Jacob Zuma then you will have to pick your favourite wife because Facebook does not allow for multiple relationship statuses.
3.) Status Updates and Pictures Added
Less is more. Even your closes friends do not care how many spoons of sugar you put on your cereal or if the boil on your bum needs to be lanced. If you feel the need to express every thought that enters your mind visit www.twitter.com and tweet with the rest of the Twits.
If, however, you have managed your friend requests and privacy settings properly you can safely post almost anything. Always be aware of who has access to your profile and exactly how your profile is seen by various users before posting to this virtual minefield. “I just farted” may be an update that would make the boys laugh, but it certainly will not impress the lady working in the cubicle next to yours. Potential employers have also started using Facebook as a tool to check what type of person they are really dealing with after you blew them away in the interview.
Do not post any pictures showing that you are breaking the law – whether it is a law you agree with or not. This is not your own private photo album, it’s on the Internet. You know, the same thing that gave us The Star Wars Kid.
Also remember that as much fun as it is to show your mates the funnel you were drinking out of, Facebook owns that picture and can sell it for advertising. Where do you think they get all those photos from of men endorsing medication for erectile dysfunction?
While I have tried to cover the main pit-falls you may be presented in this new digital world, there are many that continue to pop up. This best advice to keep in mind when exploring social media is that if you do not want your mother to see it, don’t put it online.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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0 votes
0.0
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Just Ravos 63,472  21
10/02/2009 07:50 AM
The biggest hole in facebook is the bottomless pit on the corner.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.2
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
10/02/2009 09:27 AM
Avoiding Zug article failures
Edit your Shakespeare!
The end.
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0 votes
0.0
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cycoivan 11,330 11
10/02/2009 01:36 PM
I didn't RTFA, but there's an even easier way to avoid Facebook issues that doesn't require an unedited wall of text. Are you ready for it?
Don't use facebook!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Just Ravos 63,472 21
10/02/2009 01:38 PM
What do you think you are, a magistrate?!
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0 votes
0.0
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Gimme Gimme Shemp Treatment 22,222 17
10/02/2009 01:51 PM
I don't have a Facebook account. Don't want one.
I've never Twitted. I've never even been to the site. I don't give a Shakespeare about what a bunch of twits are Twitting about. Although I enjoy Mr. Cleveland's Twits of the week.
I didnt make a Myspace page till about 2 yrs ago. I havent even logged on to Myspace in months and months.
However I do belong to a comedy site, called ZUG.
I am a loser.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Just Ravos 63,472 21
10/02/2009 01:59 PM
However I do belong to a comedy site, called ZUG.
Never heard of it.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Dr. Shempenstein's Monster 22,222 17
10/02/2009 02:10 PM
Never heard of it.
Well then perhaps you heard of ZUG's huge Super Bowl PranBLAM!
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Mielke 1,482 6
10/02/2009 02:16 PM
Zany
Ugly
Guinea pigs
Present company excluded.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dr. Shempenstein's Monster 22,222 17
10/02/2009 02:35 PM
Zenophobic (I know it's spelled with an 'X', so Frost you.)
Ugandan
Giants
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Shell Belle 77,143 25
10/02/2009 03:51 PM
Edit your Shakespeare!
To be fair, there are some weird things that happen when you cut and paste.
Some pictures would have been helpful in breaking it up, but I thought it was a solid article. Nice job.
Do you guys like the nicer Shell? My hormones have settled and Evil Michele is under control. For now.
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0 votes
0.0
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cycoivan 11,330 11
10/02/2009 03:53 PM
Will there be more boobshots? If not, I think I liked mean Shell better.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Analog 9,608 19
10/02/2009 04:39 PM
Avoiding any problems on Facebook is super easy, just follow these steps.
1. Open Notepad and navigate to "\windows\system32\drivers\etc\" on your file system.
2. Open the file named "hosts"
3. At the end, copy and paste the below line:
69.63.187.17 zug.com www.zug.com
4. Save the file, exit and open a new browser windows.
No more facebook problems.
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0 votes
0.0
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Yuoaman 123 6
10/05/2009 10:02 AM
It was an okay article, but the strange errors gave my brain an aneurysm, as I tried to pronounce some of them.
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0 votes
0.0
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TomServo 3,759 7
10/06/2009 05:26 AM
Sorry for the formatting errors fellas... Cutting and pasting does indeed have it's drawbacks.
Didn't quite notice til it was too late. No edit functionality so nothing I can do.
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