The Infiltrator: Can Crazy People Buy Guns? Part 2
A comedy article
by Harmon Leon  1,681  3
10/07/2009 09:42 PM 4542 views
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I, Harmon Leon, professional infiltrator and educator to all, took it upon myself to demonstrate just how inexplicably easy it is to buy a gun in America. [Read Part 1 here.]
With the requisite Gun Safety Certificate in hand, it was time to put my knowledge to use. How? By buying my OWN GUN, of course! To use HOWEVER I please!
I talked with an insider, who gave me some tips on what not to do in gun shops. First, apparently, you can't tell a gun shop clerk you'd like to buy a gun so you can kill someone. Most likely the police will be called and you'll be subjected to degrading psychiatric evaluation.
With this in mind, I decide to cross the following approaches off my list:
1) Asking the clerk if he has any guns with bullets already in them.
2) Attempting to buy a gun with the assistance of a hand puppet.
3) Saying, "It sure is a nice day to kill someone!"
The next bit of preparation for my afternoon of gun shopping is buying the following items:
- 1 six-pack of Old Milwaukee
- 1 liter of vodka
- 1 AC/DC tape (for inspiration)
- 4 little packets of ketchup
- 1 black magic marker
- 2 costume changes
Gun Shop Number One: A squeaky clean gun shop in a respectable financial district of San Francisco.
In keeping with the guns-and-alcohol motif, I finish a good portion of the six-pack before my first stop. The purpose of guzzling so much beer is to see if being completely hammered decreases my chances of getting a gun. Also, to get hammered.
The gun shop is filled with earnest and mostly overweight gun clerks, who are as eager to talk about shotguns as they are to debate gun-control pansies. I assume they have good job benefits; no one wants a disgruntled gun shop clerk. The clientele is mostly downtown businessmen who presumedly want guns for weekend hunting trips, or just to keep around the house for those spontaneous crimes of passion.
This being the first gun stop of my life, I am a bit nervous about acting too "creepy." I'm not sure of the exact policy about people acting weird in gun shops. As far as I know, it might be all right for a gun clerk to pull a piece off the wall and blow me away, labeling it "friendly fire."
"Can I see this 9mm, if it isn't any trouble?" I ask the clerk, who looks like Wilford Brimley after a bad divorce.
"Okay, there you go," he says with a smile.
"This is a nice gun, really. Thank you," I say, smiling back.
"It comes with a 15-round magazine," he says.
I pause for a moment, then ask: "Are there laws about shooting animals?"
"Well, hunting is regulated to..."
"No! No! No! I mean here in the city, like dogs and stuff," I make an angry face.
"That's strictly illegal."
"Oh," I say, offering up my best angelic smile.
Since I'm nervous, my delivery sounds like I'm ordering lunch at McDonald's. "I'll have a gun, some bullets, and a large holster." I finish by telling Wilford that I'm going to the cash machine and I'll be back with a deposit.
Along with the deposit, the gun shopper must also present the Gun Safety Certificate along with a driver's license. Then there's a 15-day waiting period while they check to see if you've killed anyone before, committed a major crime, or are just plain crazy. If your records check out, then the gun is yours to do what you please.
So it pretty much worked, but I felt like I could have laid on the "creepy" a bit thicker. The only thing Wilford had to worry about by selling me a gun was me shooting myself in the kajoolies. So I had to forge on, fearlessly testing the limits of arms sales.
Next: Getting Crazier!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
7 votes
3.4
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0 votes
0.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 9,064  6
10/07/2009 10:20 PM
I don't think you have to worry about Wilford shooting you. His hands shake too much from the diabetes to be able to accurately shoot.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Pants 12,163 13
10/07/2009 11:41 PM
Annnnnnnd cue ishida!
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0 votes
0.0
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Ghost Lobstah: BOO! 9,801 9
10/07/2009 11:42 PM
Poop.
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0 votes
0.0
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the fun in disfunctional 807 4
10/07/2009 11:43 PM
Relax Ishida - It's humor.
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0 votes
0.0
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the fun in disfunctional 807 4
10/07/2009 11:45 PM
2 people beat - screw it
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0 votes
0.0
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promethius 3 1
10/08/2009 01:23 AM
WAAAAAY not creepy enough. All you did is ask if you could shoot some animals. Most states have laws on the books that allows a gun owner to shoot an animal in self defense if that animal is attacking them and poses a clear threat of death or permanent injury. San Francisco, however, does not (hence his response). California as a whole likewise has some of the most restrictions on gun ownership. The clerk probably assumed you were an out of state person who just moved to CA and that you were simply inquiring about the law.
Ask him if he thinks the firearm will still shoot if it's submerged in jello. Then ask him what you can do with rounds (but call them bullets because that's more amatuer) that involves striking them with or on something but not having them discharge (call a discharge "firing"). That should sufficiently worry the man.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Frogpop 155,669 12
10/08/2009 02:03 AM
I meant a different pinup girl, Emerson.
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0 votes
0.0
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Reverendhongry - Omniscrotent 296 2
10/08/2009 09:42 AM
I bought my pistol from Academy because it was the only place that sold guns and was open when I felt like buying one (9:30 PM on a tuesday). I went in, paid cash, and walked out with it after a brief phone call for a background check. I was pretty drunk (had a designated driver) and I'd been smokin a bit. The clerks didn't care, although they insisted on walking me out of the building before they would hand me my gun. I love Texas.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 141,610 23
10/08/2009 04:33 PM
My knowledge of firearms doesn't extend into the 20th or 21st centuries, so I learned something from this article:
I am 20 pounds and a razor away from Wilford Brimley.
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