Twits of the Week: Dane Cook! Kirstie Alley! And More!
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland | 10/08/2009 12:08 AM | 2578 views
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It is with a heavy heart but a happy, happy psyche that I must announce our grand send-off of Twit of the Week. This will be my last column on the stupidity of celebrity for awhile, and we've had some good times. I'm looking at you, Perez Hilton/Will.I.Am feud. But all good things must eventually be moved down the editorial calendar, and as such I leave you with examples of the types of twits you should be keeping an eye out for in the future.
FAILED POP STARS
Example: Ricky Martin (@ricky_martin)
I find your lack of faith disturbing -Darth Vader lol
Wait ... who?
He's Livin' La Vida Loca, pal. Ricky "I swear I'm not gay" Martin got his start in Menudo, a popular Hispanic boy band that's been releasing albums since 1977 and cycling through members as they hit puberty and are forced out. Menudo is also, not at all coincidentally, a soup made of tripe. After leaving the group Martin tried to make it in soap operas, failed, and wound up with 15 minutes of fame belting out that horrible "Livin' La Vida Loca" song that simultaneously played on 42% of all radios in America for a summer. Once the suicides had been tallied people realized maybe the guy wasn't so great and he's toiled away on Latino radio ever since writing love ballads. I assume he has an assistant edit out all the parts about Coleridges and balls to make them sound like they're written for women.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Okay so the obvious move is bashing Ricky Martin for just now discovering one of the most heavily-referenced lines in one of the most popular movies of all time, but what about Darth Vader's ominous threat and choking of a subordinate is LOL-worthy? I mean even taken out of context in a blurb on the internet it's still not a very funny line, unless of course Ricky Martin is saying it in a serious tone to someone telling him a comeback might not be the right idea. Then it's freaking hilarious.
PORN STARS
Example: Trina Michaels (@TheReal_TrinaM)
BUT... as I was driving away, I realised there's an open box of toys & anal beads on the floor in my back seat! Woops! Lmao
Wait ... who?
She's a semi-retired porn star (I assume she's maintaining amateur status for the Olympics) who also happens to be a professional wrestler, thereby combining the two things my parents would never let me watch as a kid into one sticky package. She also shows up quite a bit on Ultimate Surrender, a female sexual wrestling site in which the losers of the match are violated, often anally, by the victor using strap-ons. I didn't even make that part up. So far they have denied my request to wrestle and, as a tribute to Andy Kaufman, rise up the ranks to claim the heavyweight title.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I had to include a porn star in my final Twit column, because honestly porn stars make great Twitter fodder. They are constantly saying incredibly stupid and white trash things and occasionally they post pictures of themselves naked, so it's win/win. And really I'm not so surprised that a porn star would have a box of sex toys in her car (although it makes me wonder if, with her semi-retired status, maybe she's the Brett Favre of porn), but why the hell are they open? California made hands-free devices in the car mandatory to make the roads safer, not to free up a way to cram some plastic beads up your ass on your way to pilates, Trina.
SPORTS FIGURES
Example: Darnell Dockett (@Ddockett)
Ok ok ok so why did a pregnant women try talk to me, I entertained it cause I couldn't believe it. I said when u do she said mths wtf lmfao
Wait ... who?
He's a defensive end for the (poorly) defending NFC Champion Arizona Cardinals. Despite being just five months older than me he is 6'4, 285 lbs, and a multi-millionaire. Also, his nickname given by his teammates is "Fart Box." Christ Darnell, do you have to beat me even at cool nicknames? He was a standout at Florida State University and aside from missing a little time to deal with a tiny little theft misdemeanor has been a pretty good guy in terms of athletes, which is to say he hasn't run anyone down in his SUV or raped anybody while on a roadtrip with the team. He's actually doing pretty good, considering his dad died of cancer. Right after his mother was murdered, execution style.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Athletes are great twits to follow on account of the intense bravado and hubris constantly on display. They're also pretty eager to actually tweet back at you when you send them questions, praise, and even insults. They also, in Darnell's case, will relay tales from picking up pregnant sluts at bars. And hey, if everyone's consenting I'm all for it just as long as someone signs a waiver for the kid that's about to be skewered. I love Dockett's justification: "Yeah, I considered screwing this pregnant chick. Because it was so outlandish I couldn't get over it." C'mon Darnell. Her boobs were all swollen and she was throwing herself at you with built-in birth control. Just have some pride and admit you took her home already.
Example: Dane Cook (@DaneCook)
graffiti on a giraffe is called giraffiti
Wait ... who?
Unfortunately it's tough these days to not know who Dane Cook is, since he has apparently blown every exec at Comedy Central to land a stand-up special every other week and sprinkled in a few gigs murdering comedy on the big screen in movies, too. He's every popped-collar douchebag you hate rolled into one, and even worse than that he's the guy they're getting all their Shakespearety jokes from. SUPERFINGER FTW ROFL!
Why are you tweeting that?!
Kudos to Dane Cook for revealing just how Shakespearety his material is when he's not stealing it from Louis C.K. Giraffiti? For real? I would punch my five-year-old cousin in the face if he told me a joke that lame. I realize the answer to this is already yes, but do you seriously just blurt out whatever the Frost comes into your head and wait for a college freshman to walk by and laugh until PBR comes out of their nose? Frost man can't you even try to be funny? Please?
And your (maybe) FINAL Twit of the Week is...
KIRSTIE ALLEY
Example: Kirstie Alley! (@KirstieAlley)
I HAVE DECIDED TO WRITE, PRODUCE AND STAR IN A ONE WOMAN SHOW...then I'll only have myself to yell at..
Wait ... who?
She's my favorite walking punchline and an unabashed twitter addict/attention whore, so she makes for a great pick-me-up when you're feeling like your life kinda sucks. From the struggles with weight gain to the failure to seduce her personal trainer to her inability to book any meaningful work whatsoever, Kirstie Alley will seriously cheer you up.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I imagine Kirstie Alley's one woman show to look a lot like the one-man show The Dude's landlord puts on in The Big Lebowski, but with ham. Why would anyone want to come see Kirstie Alley piss and moan about how bad her life sucks, how much weight she's gained, and how she can't bring herself to be naked in front of another human being for fear of murdering their eyes when we can see it all on her Twitter account for free? And is anyone really hanging around Kirstie Alley long enough for her to yell at them these days? I really feel like the only yelling at people she gets to do is more of a "PLEASE COME BACK I'LL PAY DOUBLE THE HOURLY RATE! I'M SO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONELY!"
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy. And don't worry -- he'll be back soon with a regular column, "Crappy Consumer Reports."
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
15 votes
4.4
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Thud
10/08/2009 12:15 AM
Last one?
Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Millie
10/08/2009 12:36 AM
I'm devastated.
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0 votes
0.0
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rrrrrrrrrreece
10/08/2009 12:53 AM
Dane Cook FTW ROFL!!!!!!
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Funny
4 votes
3.7
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The Mailman
10/08/2009 01:41 AM
Meh. The least you could have done for your last Twit column is to include this person.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Bill the Zombie Squirrel
10/08/2009 02:31 AM
Last one? You Froster!
This one was comedy Frost-ing GOLD! - California made hands-free devices in the car mandatory to make the roads safer, not to free up a way to cram some plastic beads up your ass on your way to pilates, Trina
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus
10/08/2009 12:12 PM
It was a great run, sir, and I'm glad you're going out while it's still on top. Thank you!
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0 votes
0.0
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hairy kari gal
10/08/2009 12:21 PM
The only reason I kept coming back was for twits of the week. Well Frost you! Now I'll have to start stalking Sir, Whistler, and yeah I admit it...I'm curious if the Squirrel has had a shower in the past week due to his new locality.
P.S. I'll admit it. I timidly await an invitation from Frogpop and his ferret. Or another bashing, it's all good.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Randall Cleveland
10/08/2009 03:17 PM
Meh. The least you could have done for your last Twit column is to include this person.
I would, if the guy would tweet more than once every fortnight.
Hairy Kari Gal, the least you could do is offer to stalk me. Jeez. Don't worry though, guys. I'll be back soon with a new series of articles that will be even greater and more entertaining than ridiculing socially retarded morons online!
And if not, we can always resurrect it.
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0 votes
0.0
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hairy kari gal
10/08/2009 03:23 PM
Hairy Kari Gal, the least you could do is offer to stalk me. Jeez.
Done. Just promise you won't take a retraining order out on me. And then I'll stalk and stalk and stalk! Until one day you wake up and my lovely butt hairs are wrapped around your neckbody!
break a leg Froster!
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Chance
10/08/2009 06:12 PM
I'm sorry! I love fat desperate Kristie!!! Her & I are twitter friends...well I'm sure she thinks of me...sometimes.
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0 votes
0.0
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Pants
10/08/2009 07:06 PM
Just when I thought I couldn't hate that thieving little prick anymore than I already do, I see "graffiti on a giraffe is called giraffiti."
Holy Shakespeare! Someone Frost-ing kill him please.
Please.
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0 votes
0.0
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Count Fucksockula
10/08/2009 07:14 PM
Dane Cook is a country member...
Remember.
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0 votes
0.0
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Pram
10/11/2009 05:19 PM
It includes a portrait of his mother, murdered by a gunshot to the head.
Why would he want to get a tattoo of THAT??!
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