Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,324 11
10/13/2009 01:27 PM

You wake up married with 3 kids and a swing manager jobs at McDonald's. That's scary.

KChiki #668 - Neighbor of the Beast 124,281 89
10/13/2009 01:41 PM

You wake up with your buddy's nuts in your face.
(These are my actual friends and I'm pretty sure I took this picture.)

Whistler P. McMadness 4,360 10
10/13/2009 01:46 PM

Back in grade 12, I was at a friends house for a party, nursing my own little bottle of scotch. I tried to be a friendly guy and share, but nobody was manly enough to accept some sweet nectar of the highlands. In their defense, it was Johnnie Walker red, and it tastes like rusty nails marinated in stale urine compared to more expensive stuff that I really didn't want to blow the cash on if I was just gonna get smashed anyway.

Next up, a good friend of mine offers me some weed. Now I don't do any kind of drugs, not even weed, but I'm not a dumbass. If somebody offers you free weed, it is considered amazingly rude to turn them down. So I threw my lunch caution to the wind and lit up a few.

After more drinks (I had finished my scotch and moved onto beer at this point) and the weed, my friend breaks out her hookah, fresh from our trip to Israel. I had been sucking on that blissful little hose nearly every day of our 3 week trip there, and I was STOKED for more. Now, I am not a smoker, so I was definately unfamiliar with the affects of smoking + alcohol, but away I went, and I was in heaven.

After awhile it felt like my brain was doing somersaults inside my skull and I thought it would be best for me to just sit down, rather than give the walls a new color, and that's the last thing I remembered.

TO BE CONTINUED

Whistler P. McMadness 4,360 10
10/13/2009 01:47 PM

I woke up the next morning, late. I was the last one at the house. Still pretty dazed I barely noticed a very large pile of sharpies on the ground next to the couch I passed out on. I go upstairs to take what would likely be the most traumatic piss of my lifetime. I walk past the full wall bathroom mirror to find that I no longer had any reason to be frustrated by spending 3 weeks in Israel and not getting a tan, for I had BEEN TURNED INTO AN AFRICAN AMERICAN.

Nothing had been spared except for my red hair (which explains the lack of a tan) and my boxer-covered nether regions which is a relief since the color-size differential would perplex the mind if they had been affected. My pants and shirt had even been removed in order to color my chest and legs then I had been RE-DRESSED in my sleep.

I laughed my ass off, then needed to take a piss break, then laughed my ass off some more. The hostess was outside waiting for me, I was rolling on the ground laughing at this point. I offered my apologies to her carpet not that carpet and drove home for a shower.

Good times.

Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,324 11
10/13/2009 01:48 PM

Even better you wake up with a set of balls sewn on your face and you don't know who they belong to.

Pants 14,213 17
10/13/2009 03:58 PM

A few people from the bar I use to live behind came back to my apartment for an after hours party. Everything was going well until one unlucky sap, we'll call him Brian, passed out across the couch which effectively eliminated half of the seating. Soon after that people started to leave.

With nothing else to do but drink the remaining beers, a friend of mine and I decided to punish Brian for monopolizing the couch. We quickly gave Brian a marker mustache and posed with him for pictures. This amused us only slightly so I found an old bottle of hair gel that I had purchased by mistake a year earlier.
We slowly emptied the bottle completely covering his buzzed head and waited. Being impatient, we couldn't wait for him to wake up so we started scratching his face with a piece of straw and scattered for hiding places as soon as he started to smear the gel around his head and face while regaining consciousness.

After reaching our hiding spots we start to hear him scream, at 3:00am no less, "WHAT THE Frost IS IN MY HAIR? WHAT THE Frost IS IN MY HAIR? WHAT THE Frost"?
as he goes into the bathroom and turns on the faucet in the tub. After washing all the gel out of his hair he goes outside and down the stairs for his car.

My friend and I emerge from hiding and start to laugh only to be interrupted by more screams of "WHAT THE Frost? WHAT... THE... FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCK?" We dash to our spots again as we hear him slam his car door and walk up stairs to the apartment. It suddenly occurs to me why he is back; he saw the marker mustache in his rear view mirror in his car. The pressure in my head started to build so quickly from trying to contain my laughter that I thought a brain aneurysm was inevitable.

Thud 66,695 17
10/13/2009 05:51 PM

When I was in college long ago, I went to a frat party to get hammered. After a couple of hours I staggered upstairs to try to find a bathroom.

Eventually I did find the bathroom, but that was after I saw a few of the frat boys stapling some passed out dude to the door of one of the bedrooms. He was fully clothed, half covered in vomit and they were using a staplegun to attach his clothes to the door (with him still in them).

Normally I didn't like the frat pukes, but that showed class.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
10/13/2009 10:47 PM

I woke up face down on a green carpet and crawled along the floor for about thirty minutes looking for the edge of the table.

Hydrant-monkey 9,447 21
10/14/2009 09:38 AM

A frat kid in my town got drunk and passed out. His friends drew bad words all over him when they should have been calling an ambulance.

He died.

What's that? Comedy site? Aw Frost.

hairy kari gal 12,075 15
10/15/2009 10:08 AM

I never actually 'blacked out'.
After I "borrowed" my mother's car, a sooped up Duster small block 318, (5 zugs if you know what I'm talking about and can rev my engines again. ((memories, just memories))
I went to the "strip" and raced a few folks, and after BEATING them!, I drove to where my friend was hanging out with a few imported Germans (Kami (Kamikaze), Shoobie, and Doobie) that worked at a local "International Car Garage".
I walked into their rented house, that had a pooltable in the living room, and proclaimed my victory from racing at the strip and displayed the money I had won.
They encouraged me to eat a tiny purple piece of paper so I could enjoy 'The Shining' movie with them.
The rest of the evening progressed with me having blocks of memory. I remember the twins in the movie, I remember the old lady in the tub, I remember blood pouring out of an elevator, I remember telling my friend I needed something to eat, I remember raiding the refrigerator, I remember laughing uncontrollabley in a room with a mattress on the floor and sliced ham in my mouth, I remember the neighborhood 'cop' showing up to say my Mother was looking for me. I remember being panicked and I realized I could not get my Mom's car home before sunrise.
I remember 'Fast Freddy' showing up to drive my Mom's car home. I remember my Mom waiting on the roadside as I arrived home.
But most importantly, I remember my super straight laced, church on Sunday, the devil will get you, Mom asking if I was okay and could we take a drive?
She drove to the beach (in her newly recovered bad ass car) and we watched the sun come up. I don't remember what she said, but the friggin sand fleas ate the Shakespeare out of my legs as we sat on the beach.

To this day, I will never do drugs again because the freaking sand fleas will get you! They will!

Amityville Ravos 62,361 20
10/15/2009 10:19 AM

I wasn't involved, but this story spread around like wildfire. I knew a few of the guys involved and definitely a true story.

SO a group of underaged highschool students all get plastered one night. One of the guys passes out. Turns out while he was asleep, they all drew on him. Not so bad. Then they all decided to whip out their dicks, and stick them into his mouth. Then they took pictures...

Next day, the guy finds out, and goes on a war-path. He finds each and every one of them and beats the living crap out of them. One of the guys came back with a broken arm, a black eye, and a ton of bruises & cuts. The guy who did the beating got suspended for a month.

Trae - With No Make Up On, BOO! 156,771 17
10/15/2009 10:22 AM

small block 318


The engine.

hairy kari gal 12,075 15
10/15/2009 11:05 AM

So my husband takes his buddies out fishing for a couple of days. One of the buddies says, "I want to bring my son". The buddy explains to his son that things get a little crazy on an overnight fishing trip and maybe he should stay home. His kid says he's up to it, so they go.
Well the poor kid is paranoid with all the hooks, jokes, and gaffs flying around the deck, he doesn't sleep.
About 30 hours later, the poor lad is exhausted. He climbs into the Captains box and falls into a DEEP sleep.
So the guys unbutton the kid's shorts, lowers his zipper, and wipe a little squid guts on his tummy.

Hours later, the kid wakes up and is silent. He doesn't speak for the rest of the trip.
Later, the fellas explained that it was a gag.
Months later, we are contributing to this kid's psych program. He now requires a shrink. WTF?

Example: My daughter fell asleep on the couch. My husband, her step dad, woke her by rubbing a slimy hotdog on her lips. When she started to wake up, he zipped his pants and walked away.

The first thing out of her mouth was, "You guys are Frosted up!" We still laugh about it to this day.

Question: Are some people just born with teh funny?

hairy kari gal 12,075 15
10/15/2009 11:13 AM

Trae - With No Make Up On, BOO!
10/15/2009 10:22 AM
small block 318


The engine


No Shakespeare sherlock!
That was a given.
I'm looking for the right terminology that will make my motor run...again.

Amityville Ravos 62,361 20
10/15/2009 11:14 AM

So my husband takes his buddies out fishing for a couple of days.

Is that a euphemism? Wait a sec...

So the guys unbutton the kid's shorts, lowers his zipper, and wipe a little squid guts on his tummy.

Guess so.

Example: My daughter fell asleep on the couch. My husband, her step dad, woke her by rubbing a slimy hotdog on her lips. When she started to wake up, he zipped his pants and walked away.

Definitely.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
10/15/2009 11:23 AM

When I was in college, I passed out at a party at my own house and my roommate, Brownie, drew a magic marker moustache (handlebar, no less) on me. Which isn't so bad, but the next morning, one of my sisters came to visit before I woke up. Someone woke me up and told me she was downstairs. I ran down before looking in a mirror.

"Hi, sis! Here's your brother with a marker handlebar."

I got my revenge. Brownie passed out one night. He had a stupid tattoo of a pegasus on his chest. I drew a kindergarten skill level landscape surrounding it, with grass, trees, flowers, birds, frolicking children, etc. covering his chest and stomach, and wrote "I'm an Emerson" up one arm and "I like penis" down the other in old English letters.

He went on to become director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency*. Heck of a job, Brownie.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
10/15/2009 11:31 AM

*Not really. That was a different Brownie. But dang, that would have made the story so much better.


P.S. - if you or someone you know regularly drinks to the point of blackout, you/they are an alcoholic and should seek help.

Amityville Ravos 62,361 20
10/15/2009 11:35 AM

At one party, a guy passed out, and we all drew on him in sharpie. The usual, a mustache, a unibrow, tiny horns, etc.

Except I had brought with me a japanese exchange student, who I don't think understood the point, since he just wrote something random in japanese on the guy's neck.

I still have no idea what he wrote, but if his "Morning Wood" or "Effortless Cool" shirts are any indication, I bet it was hilarious.

hairy kari gal 12,075 15
10/15/2009 11:45 AM

Frost you RAVOS!!!!

IF YOU THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT MYHUSBAND IS SOME SORT OF PERV, WELL THEN...

aw, jeez.
*scratches head and walks out of thread*
(remembers the glory days)


dangit

Amityville Ravos 62,361 20
10/15/2009 11:47 AM

Do you remember the glory holes too, or was that during another one of your blackouts?

hairy kari gal 12,075 15
10/15/2009 11:55 AM

Ravos,
If you're talkin' to me...we've got ALL of our glory holes on GPS.

It's good eatin'!

hairy kari gal 12,075 15
10/15/2009 11:58 AM

Just in case this thread went awry, I'm talking about deep sea fishing glory holes.

(i don't want to get the wrong impression)

Amityville Ravos 62,361 20
10/15/2009 12:53 PM

You wake up married with 3 kids and a swing manager jobs at McDonald's.

Story of your life?

Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,324 11
10/15/2009 02:52 PM

No, mine would be "woke up married with 3 kids and a swing manager jobs at McDonald's. cheese packer job IT Help Desk job Actually I'm still drunk so I haven't come out of the blackout yet.

Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,324 11
10/15/2009 03:19 PM

I'm looking for the right terminology that will make my motor run...again.

Does this get your motor running?