The one about the time I walked off the job and then lied to get back in.
A comedy article
by Cyco Chainsaw Massacre  11,330  11
10/13/2009 03:38 PM 944 views
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Before I started my glamourous life as an IT Help Desk Technician. I worked at a cheese packing plant. I live in the 9th circle of hell, Wisconsin, and wanted to make sure that I had the most stereotypical job for the state.
Another Wisconsin stereotype
The company was part of a large food congolmerate (it rhymes with BonFagra) and as such was run by a bunch of retards. It wasn't that bad though. The pay was pretty good (because otherwise no one would stay). I worked my way up the ladder until I was a Material Handler. Essentially when I wasn't handling my "material" in the bathroom, I'd be in back opening up large bricks of cheese and then getting them cut down to be sliced, cubed, julienned, french fried, etc.
Not a fun company to work for
It was while working this job that the company laid the dreaded R word on us: no not resizing, rimjobs, or Rocky Mountain Oysters. The word is reorganization. Essentially what that meant is that a team of douchebags, who looked like they've never worked hard in their lives get to come in and videotape us working.
Oh yeah, work it for me baby
They started making changes from the standpoint that if you can open one block of cheese in 20 seconds but the line only goes through a block in 50 seconds, then that's 30 seconds you could be using to open a block of cheese for another line. So I ended up working on two lines at the same time. After that though, they decided to speed the lines up so that the line needed a block every 30 seconds so now I'm working 2 lines and I'm not able to keep up.
After a few days of this, on the last day of the week, a friend of mine came up and told me that he and another person were walking out at 2 am (I was a 3rd shifter to boot) and they were going to Country Kitchen (A chain similar to Denny's) to hang out. I was at the end of my rope that night and I thought I'd really stick it to them for daring to upset my stable little world.
I got to the Bitchin' Kitchen and start talking about great it feels to walk out of that hellhole. They exchange a look and tell me that they told our supervisor that they were going home sick. Still, I felt that I was justified in my decision so I drank a victory pot of coffee and ate the Success Special. When I got home, I was starting to rethink my decision, mostly because 'home' was my parent's home.
I called my friend to see if he had heard what the fallout was from me leaving. I found that with the 3 of us gone they could only run 1 line in the 2nd half of the night. I ended up costing them 4 hours of production, and they were quite pissed off at me. "What do I do", I asked. His response: Just tell them you Shakespeare their pants. While he meant it a joke, as the weekend progressed it slowly dawned on me that it might be the only way out of my predicament.
So when I went in Sunday night, the first thing I did was find my supervisor and looking distraught I told her I needed to speak with her. We walked to her office and she asked me what the hell happened on Friday. I looked down at my feet and said "I had an accident"
"What do you mean?"
"I wasn't feeling well, and I couldn't get off the line to go, and at the 2am switch I tried to get to the bathroom and it came out before I could get my pants off"
"Oh"
"I didn't want to be running through the plant dripping all over looking for you, because that's unsanitary so I just went home"
"Well, you should have called when you got home"
"Sorry, my bad"
I said all that with a straight face, which is hard because my boss looked like Danny Devito in Batman Returns
Go on, tell the Penguin you Shakespeare your pants with a straight face, I dare you.
So the aftermath is that not only did I get into any trouble, they stopped the reorginization experiment (mostly because 30 people quit), and I got promoted about a month later to a position where there was hardly any work involved. I used my extra time to take a nap on the toilet, because you never know.
Moral: Shakespeare-ing your pants (or lying about it) can save your job.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
18 votes
4.2
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17 Comments on "The one about the time I walked off the job and then lied to get back in."
(Funniest: Pants,TheFoye,Millie) |
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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Pants 14,252  17
10/13/2009 05:04 PM
I had a similar experience about 6 years ago.
"WTF? Why are you 34 minutes late?"
"I'd rather not talk about it."
"Well you'd better have a valid written excuse on my desk before the end of the day."
"Today's tardiness was unavoidable. Before leaving for work this morning I sat in the bathroom for 45 minutes fighting a horrible bout of constipation."
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.7
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,330 11
10/13/2009 05:43 PM
At least they didn't ask for proof.
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
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Millie 116,988 28
10/13/2009 07:35 PM
They started making changes from the standpoint that if you can open one block of cheese in 20 seconds but the line only goes through a block in 50 seconds, then that's 30 seconds you could be using to open a block of cheese for another line. So I ended up working on two lines at the same time. After that though, they decided to speed the lines up so that the line needed a block every 30 seconds so now I'm working 2 lines and I'm not able to keep up.
Did you start eating cheese like Lucy did with the candy? Because that would have been funny.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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TheFoye 55,700 16
10/13/2009 07:45 PM
Holy crap, another Wisconsinite on Zug, this can't be good.
My buddy once forced an entire block to evacuate at a cheese factory in Mayville, he mixed the wrong chemicals together while cleaning. He may have Shakespeare his pants. He was fired though.
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0 votes
0.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,330 11
10/13/2009 07:56 PM
Which one? That may have been my plant because that sounds really familiar. I worked at Beatrice Cheese before they slapped it with the ConAgra name.
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0 votes
0.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,330 11
10/13/2009 07:59 PM
Did you start eating cheese like Lucy did with the candy? Because that would have been funny.
While I ate my fair share, the problem was now that they were waiting on cheese from me, and I had no help. That would be hilarious if it were the case though.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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TheFoye 55,700 16
10/13/2009 08:19 PM
Wait a minute, you've heard of Mayville? Nobody knows where Mayville is. It is a piece of Shakespeare little town.
I think it is now called Old Fashioned Foods. It was on South Main Street just past the cemetery on the left if you are going North on Highway 67 into Mayville.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.0
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The Aristocrat 3,333 17
10/13/2009 08:19 PM
You're leaving it to me to make the obligatory 'cut the cheese' comment?
Fine. How's this?
Let's never speak of your job again... if my wife knew that I could make money on something I do for free all the time, she'd expect bigger paychecks from me.
That one was kinda lame, huh? How bout...
If I were to package up my results every time I cut the cheese, I would be a multi-millionaire based solely on party kit sales to elementary school boys.
I know, neither of those were any good, but I didn't see any comments like that from any of y'all!
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0 votes
0.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,330 11
10/13/2009 09:07 PM
Wait a minute, you've heard of Mayville? Nobody knows where Mayville is. It is a piece of Shakespeare little town.
I do, and yes I do agree it is a piece of Shakespeare. I live about 20 miles away in Beaver Dam, which isn't much better but at least we have a Walmart. Yeee haww!
The Aristocrat, I gave you points for trying. I suppose I could have told my supervisor they were making me cut the cheese too hard and that's why I Shakespeare myself.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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hairy kari gal 14,803 17
10/13/2009 10:43 PM
Oh boy, I can see it now.
Cyco and Foye
sitting in the trees
c-u-t-t-i-n-g cheese.
They meet face to face, become fast friends with zug as their common interest. Months later they have falling out over which is better: a fancy brie or a sharp cheddar.
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0 votes
0.0
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The Aristocrat 3,333 17
10/14/2009 06:22 AM
Yay, pity clickies!
Cyco, I'm coming up your way (actually driving through your burgeoning metropolis) this weekend. We're flying into Milwaukee, driving up to GB for the game, then driving back down to Madison.
1400 miles seems a bit far to go to see a football game (especially when they're just playing the Lions), but I can be a bit obsessive like that.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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hairy kari gal 14,803 17
10/14/2009 07:20 AM
Great! Now The Aristocrat passes through Foye and Cyco land to mention how delightful the Strykly Texas Cheeseis down south.
A cheesey menage a trois develops.
To be continued...
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,330 11
10/14/2009 08:49 AM
Cyco, I'm coming up your way (actually driving through your burgeoning metropolis) this weekend. We're flying into Milwaukee, driving up to GB for the game, then driving back down to Madison
Don't worry, you won't miss much, Hwy 151 to Madison pretty much goes around the town.
I've only been to Lambeau once, but it's awesome.
Hari Kari gal - Texas and California might think they have better cheese, but they can all smell my dairy air.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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the fun in disfunctional 1,970 6
10/14/2009 11:22 AM
They can kiss your dairy air too!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
10/14/2009 01:48 PM
I prefer a New York cheddar.
This was the greatest work story since Millie put smilie faces on tampons. Kudos!
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0 votes
0.0
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Disco Poltergeist 4,322 8
10/14/2009 02:30 PM
My company is currently going through the dreaded reduction in workforce. We've gone through one round so far and everyone is waiting for the other shoe to drop.
If I get the call I'm gonna sit there in the HR office and crap myself while they explain my severance. I doubt it'll save my job but it'll make me feel better squishy.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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The Aristocrat 3,333 17
10/14/2009 05:50 PM
Wisconsin's cheese is better. Texas cheese sucks... I've seen better cheese on Filipino hookers...
Boy, that came out wrong, didn't it?
This'll be my second game to see @ Lambeau... I've been a Packers fan for 30 years. It gives me chills just to see the stadium.
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