Putting the "mental" in fundamentalist
A comedy article
by Cyco Chainsaw Massacre  11,330  11
10/15/2009 12:08 PM 868 views
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All of these Christ'd articles made me think of the following story:
One tradition that we have in my family is that we go camping the last weekend in July. At that time there is a little festival in the tiny town of Cambria, WI (pop 600-750) called Park Days. Yeah it's really original, I know. Friday night is Mexican night where they they serve Mexican food and get a Mariachi band to play there. Why does a little town in the middle of nowhere care about the Mexicans? That would be because there are two major canneries there, you figure it out. I go for the wicked good Steak Burritos.
And they all arrived in one van
There's also a slow pitch softball tournament which I guess is pretty important to all the aging wannabe fratboy d-bags who show up with $1000 of bats and $30 worth of Coors Light. I find humor in just how seriously they take a game in which my dead Grandma could drive one out of the park.
Saturday, they have a parade which is pretty decent (by that I mean I get tons of candy), and then more fun and games down by the park. They usually have some decent juggler performing down there. I'm just a sucker for some ball juggling.
Not quite the ball juggling I had in mind baby, although they are roughly the same size
While waiting for the act to start the kids (who are 5 and 3) saw a tent for facepainting and wanted to do that. On the tent there's also a sign for "Wordless storytelling"....Yeah, I said "what the Frost?" too. Not the whatever "what the Frost" but the incredulous "What. The. Frost??!"
We go in and they won't paint the kids until they hear the 'story'. Warning bells are now going off in my head, but we're sucked in now. I'll look like an Emerson if I take the kids out now, so we sit down and listen to the story (not that I don't mind being an Emerson, I just don't want to do it in front of the kids)
The girl presenting it was maybe all of 13 or 14 but she already had that glazed over zealot look in her eyes. You know the one where they're trying to look excited about what they are saying but they're looking a little too excited.
Kind of like this
A little background is needed before I continue:
I guess you could say me and church (any church) don't get along too well. I started out as a Lutheran (mostly because I didn't have a choice), then moved on to LaVeyan Satanism. I liked the ideas he conveyed but didn't like the hokey mysticism aspect of it so then I more or less became an Objectivist (which essentially is what Satanism is in the first place). Now I'm more of a Meh-theist. I really don't care what the truth is. I just like making fun of it.
Back to the story:
She has a book with several colors, and it went a little something like this:
- This color's gold, that's what the streets in heaven are made of. That's where god is and god is awesome. She then pulls out the bible and reads off a verse about how awesome heaven is (wordless storytelling my ass). [This raises a question to me right away. If gold is worth a lot of money and money is the root of all evil, then isn't heaven paved in pure evil? Boy am I glad to be going to hell then.]
- This color is black. It represents sin. Everyone wants to do sin and sin is bad. If you sin, you get sent to hell forever to suffer. [I'm suffering right now, I must be in hell already. That's right I already am. It's called Wisconsin.]
- This color is red, that's for Jesus's blood. He's cool though, he died for you [which makes me a party to involuntary manslaughter I suppose]
Even the kids are looking uneasy at this point. I think they'd be more comfortable with a twice convicted peodphile (of which there are no shortage of in the great white north)
I'm not kidding either, this is a map of all the convicted sex offenders where I live:
- This color is white. For some reason this color means that you need to ask for forgiveness and always go to a "bible-believing" church [as opposed to a "bible-takeitwithagrainofsalt" church?]
- This color is green. I'm Frost-ing lost at this point but you will continue to grow by following the word of God. [I'm going to get bigger with the word of God? Oh no! I weigh tree-fitty already, I better sin my ass off!]
They had my kids pray with her....of course saying they don't have to do "anything they don't want to." My Uncle Charlie used to tell me that right before....well we don't talk about Uncle Charlie anymore. The kids are silently pleading with me to get them out of there, but hey if I gotta suffer EVERYONE does too. That's just how I roll.
After a little uncomfortable prayer, the story was over and the kids got their faces painted (rather awfully I might add). The juggling show started and then the kids ran over there, leaving me to get my inner Emerson out, which isn't pretty.
They took 10 minutes of my time and with no one else in the tent I figured I'd take 10 of theirs. Among the questions I posed them are:
-When they say that Jesus would return, did they mean the bible Jesus or the Jesus that supplies my pot? He went to Mexico last week and has not come back yet.
-If Jesus came back from the dead, doesn't that make him a brain-craving zombie who should be shotgunned in the head and not worshipped? That's what my George Romero-beliving church thinks.
-Exactly how much can I get away with before I can't get into heaven? I mean if I kill an abortion clinic doctor, is that cool with the big guy? Or would he just want me to cut off his hands? I get so confused on that part.
At that point, they informed me that if I didn't leave they would call the copscop (only 1 in Cambria) over for a stern talking to. I decided to leave and rejoin the family.
The main point of the story (and the reason I hope it's funny) is that on the way back to the campsite, our oldest kid was talking about the story they told in the tent, but I think she got the message a little garbled.
She thinks she's supposed to be good or God and/or Jesus are going to kill her.
This is what God looks like to my daughter
Fundamentalist = FAIL
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Like This? Rate It!
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.4
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Amityville Ravos 63,472  21
10/15/2009 12:16 PM
I know you like ball juggling, but I guess the stock photo doesn't come in blue, does it?
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Amityville Ravos 63,472 21
10/15/2009 12:56 PM
You and her have color coordinated balls now!
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0 votes
0.0
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hairy kari gal 14,803 17
10/15/2009 01:36 PM
I guess you could say me and church (any church) don't get along too well. Now I'm more of a Meh-theist. I really don't care what the truth is. I just like making fun of it.
Jeez, I started out being a Presbyterian (my Mom made me). At the age of 10, I asked my my Mom, "But if MEN wrote the Bible and it was translated by other men, and then passed on to that English King(James) who needed money and recruited a translator to insert 'tithe', when he really just needed the cash to finance his lifestyle.
Isn't the whole premise just kinda weird?
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0 votes
0.0
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Amityville Ravos 63,472 21
10/15/2009 01:44 PM
Scientology is a pretty weird religion. I mean, they believe Aliens took millions of beings in space ships that look oddly similar to airplanes and dropped them in volcanoes, and now their spirits latch onto us and make us unhappy. Or some Shakespeare.
Christians believe there is a man in the sky who can make all your dreams come true, knocked some woman up, had a kid who died, and then rose from the dead so when we die, we can all be happy because he loves us.
I'd say they are both pretty Frosted up concepts.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,330 11
10/15/2009 04:07 PM
I don't consider Scientology a religion and neither should the U.S. government. I think religions should at least have a 200 year probation period (and not be founded by a massive Emerson like Hubbard) before becoming tax-exempt.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
10/16/2009 09:21 AM
Since organized religions are all nothing but money-making schemes, I don't think any of them should be tax exempt. But that's just one cynic's opinion.
She thinks she's supposed to be good or God and/or Jesus are going to kill her.
She has this wrong. According to my Catholic school upbringing, God/Jesus would never kill you. That would be a violation of the commandments, and a mortal sin. No, instead of killing you, God/Jesus will torture you by flaying you alive in a lake of fire for all eternity. Pleasant dreams, my little one.
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0 votes
0.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,330 11
10/16/2009 09:54 AM
She has this wrong. According to my Catholic school upbringing, God/Jesus would never kill you. That would be a violation of the commandments, and a mortal sin. No, instead of killing you, God/Jesus will torture you by flaying you alive in a lake of fire for all eternity. Pleasant dreams, my little one.
Like I said, she did get the message wrong. What you said is essentially what the fundies told her (except for the lake of fire)
She lives with me, so her dreams are already full of pleasant little demons.
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0 votes
0.0
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Amityville Ravos 63,472 21
10/19/2009 09:19 AM
She has this wrong. According to my Catholic school upbringing, God/Jesus would never kill you. That would be a violation of the commandments, and a mortal sin.
You got it all wrong. The bible clearly states some sins should be met with a prompt stoning to death. But of course God doesn't throw the first stone. He doesn't want to go to hell, so he just tells you to go ahead and get right on that.
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0 votes
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Ghost of Chickens Past 286,634 61
10/19/2009 10:13 AM
Silly heathens.
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0 votes
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Amityville Ravos 63,472 21
10/19/2009 10:15 AM
Silly heathens, chix are for kids!
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