What an idiot! They obviously meant Mitosis.

As close as they were to me, it should have been Halitosis.

I once had a bout of Omnimpotence. I was completely ineffective and powerless at absolutely everything.

Once. As in right now.

Once I had scoliosis, it force me to change my viewpoint on the world.

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the seal.

I know where my toes is!

A co-worker comes in this afternoon he asks me "How much do you think your brother would charge me to remove the dents out of my fender?"

Me: "What are you talking about?"

Him: "How much do you think he would charge to remove those dents?"

Me: "My brother is a programmer not a body shop employee."

Him: "Oh, I don't know why I thought he worked in a body shop."

Thirty minutes go by and he comes back into the office and asks "Do you think I could borrower your brother's buffer?"

Me: "He doesn't have a car buffer. Why would you think that he does?"

Him: "I just figured he did since he works at a body shop."

Me: "Dude, you need to stop huffing gas during work hours."

Overheard over the radios at work and still not understood:

"I hit him in the butt with it and he didn't look at me or anything."

Everytime the tech sees a certain painting: "Eugh. Straight people sex. That is so unnatural."

I work for a communications company. I do tech support, but not for our customers. The help desk I'm on is strictly internal. I help the people who are supposed to be helping our customers.

Still, we do sometimes receive calls from customers who were transferred to us by mistake. If the call volume is high the customer can be on hold for quite a while before getting to me where I have to tell them I'm going to transfer them to someone else. It sucks for both of us.

One customer who got me was supposed to have been transferred to tech support to help her with her Internet problem. I told her that she was mistakenly transferred to our company's internal help desk. She said, "I know! I have an internal problem!"

Haha I hear that kind of stuff all the time. Mostly because I walk in at just the time to hear something weird. It's strange, like I have ESPN or something..

Him: "I just figured he did since he works at a body shop." Me: "Dude, you need to stop huffing gas during work hours."

Do you and this guy work a body shop? Because that would explain the gas fumes.

I work for a repro graphics company and help do litigation support. Ohhh the fun.

SO can I borrow your car buffer?

At my last job, I worked with a guy who owned a farm as well. He had a few horses and I got to overhear him describe in graphic detail how to clean smegma off of a horse's junk to a co-worker while I'm on the phone with an end user.

I found out just how sensitive our new Cisco IP phones were when the user added "...tell whoever's talking in the background that I found that EZ Sheath Cleaner works the best". I did tell him and that at least made him move out of earshot.

Still, now all I can think about is everyone handling horse Coleridge. Do you know how hard it is to get that image out of your head? I get that it needs to be done but I don't want to hear that Shakespeare at work.

In case you want horse smegma dancing around in your head, here is how to clean the junk off a horse's junk

Cyco, I assume the best way is a belt sander. I hear pants might have one kicking around. You should ask him if you can borrow it.

For what? Cleaning a horse's wang or the images from my head? Either way, can I borrow your belt sander Pants? You work at a hardware store, right?

No, he works at a body shop. Get it right!

Right, I don't know why I thought he worked at a hardware store. I have no idea what's going on right now.

Many times at work in the throes of fury upon discovering something in a shipment box I don't like, I can be overheard voicing my desire to devour the souls of the higher-ups in the company and banish them to the deepest circle of hell for their ineptitude. At which time I shall ascend the company ladder in a torrent of fire and brimstone and seize the reins of power.

My boss and coworkers thought it was pretty funny and felt the same way.
The pastor at the counter didn't though.

You spelled "throes" correctly.

Sweet, is that uncommon around here?
What do I win?!

You win the Chickens von Goatherd Memorial Revelations Referencing Award. Your prize is a copy of The Voyages of the Beagle.

Pants works at Kinkos. The body shop/hardware store gig is a sideline.

I heard this one just the other day:

I hate it when that Laurie woman microwaves her Frost-ing fish for lunch! This whole place smells like rotten twat!

Female Employee: I have this notice for jury duty - I won't be at work next week.

Whistler (just making a joke): I thought conviceted felons couldn't serve on juries?

Female Employee: DUI IS NOT A FELONY!

Yesterday I walked into an office that is shared by three men just in time to hear one of them ask, "Which one of you used my computer to log on to YouPorn?"

I said, "I'd re-think sitting in that chair."