Amityville Ravos 34,425 10
10/16/2009 05:57 PM

What an idiot! They obviously meant Mitosis.

Trae - With No Make Up On, BOO! 156,239 10
10/16/2009 06:47 PM

As close as they were to me, it should have been Halitosis.

Gonzo 17,604 12
10/16/2009 06:51 PM

I once had a bout of Omnimpotence. I was completely ineffective and powerless at absolutely everything.

Once. As in right now.

Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 9,100 6
10/16/2009 06:57 PM

Once I had scoliosis, it force me to change my viewpoint on the world.

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the seal.

hairy kari gal 5,692 7
10/16/2009 06:59 PM

I know where my toes is!

Pants 12,163 13
10/17/2009 01:34 AM

A co-worker comes in this afternoon he asks me "How much do you think your brother would charge me to remove the dents out of my fender?"

Me: "What are you talking about?"

Him: "How much do you think he would charge to remove those dents?"

Me: "My brother is a programmer not a body shop employee."

Him: "Oh, I don't know why I thought he worked in a body shop."

Thirty minutes go by and he comes back into the office and asks "Do you think I could borrower your brother's buffer?"

Me: "He doesn't have a car buffer. Why would you think that he does?"

Him: "I just figured he did since he works at a body shop."

Me: "Dude, you need to stop huffing gas during work hours."

A.C. the Sanguisuge Frankenstein 5,980 4
10/17/2009 01:56 AM

Overheard over the radios at work and still not understood:

"I hit him in the butt with it and he didn't look at me or anything."

She's Craving Brainkinis 59,038 8
10/17/2009 03:24 AM

Everytime the tech sees a certain painting: "Eugh. Straight people sex. That is so unnatural."

Spicey McHaggis 102,816 13
10/19/2009 06:19 AM

I work for a communications company. I do tech support, but not for our customers. The help desk I'm on is strictly internal. I help the people who are supposed to be helping our customers.

Still, we do sometimes receive calls from customers who were transferred to us by mistake. If the call volume is high the customer can be on hold for quite a while before getting to me where I have to tell them I'm going to transfer them to someone else. It sucks for both of us.

One customer who got me was supposed to have been transferred to tech support to help her with her Internet problem. I told her that she was mistakenly transferred to our company's internal help desk. She said, "I know! I have an internal problem!"

wulver 47 4
10/19/2009 07:25 AM

Haha I hear that kind of stuff all the time. Mostly because I walk in at just the time to hear something weird. It's strange, like I have ESPN or something..

Amityville Ravos 34,425 10
10/19/2009 04:32 PM

Him: "I just figured he did since he works at a body shop."

Me: "Dude, you need to stop huffing gas during work hours."

Do you and this guy work a body shop? Because that would explain the gas fumes.

Pants 12,163 13
10/19/2009 11:59 PM

I work for a repro graphics company and help do litigation support. Ohhh the fun.

Amityville Ravos 34,425 10
10/20/2009 04:27 PM

SO can I borrow your car buffer?

Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 9,100 6
10/20/2009 06:38 PM

At my last job, I worked with a guy who owned a farm as well. He had a few horses and I got to overhear him describe in graphic detail how to clean smegma off of a horse's junk to a co-worker while I'm on the phone with an end user.

I found out just how sensitive our new Cisco IP phones were when the user added "...tell whoever's talking in the background that I found that EZ Sheath Cleaner works the best". I did tell him and that at least made him move out of earshot.

Still, now all I can think about is everyone handling horse Coleridge. Do you know how hard it is to get that image out of your head? I get that it needs to be done but I don't want to hear that Shakespeare at work.

In case you want horse smegma dancing around in your head, here is how to clean the junk off a horse's junk

Amityville Ravos 34,425 10
10/20/2009 06:51 PM

Cyco, I assume the best way is a belt sander. I hear pants might have one kicking around. You should ask him if you can borrow it.

Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 9,100 6
10/20/2009 06:55 PM

For what? Cleaning a horse's wang or the images from my head? Either way, can I borrow your belt sander Pants? You work at a hardware store, right?

Amityville Ravos 34,425 10
10/20/2009 06:57 PM

No, he works at a body shop. Get it right!

Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 9,100 6
10/20/2009 06:59 PM

Right, I don't know why I thought he worked at a hardware store. I have no idea what's going on right now.

Dead Madness' Party 1,404 5
10/20/2009 07:58 PM

Many times at work in the throes of fury upon discovering something in a shipment box I don't like, I can be overheard voicing my desire to devour the souls of the higher-ups in the company and banish them to the deepest circle of hell for their ineptitude. At which time I shall ascend the company ladder in a torrent of fire and brimstone and seize the reins of power.

My boss and coworkers thought it was pretty funny and felt the same way.
The pastor at the counter didn't though.

A.C. the Sanguisuge Frankenstein 5,980 4
10/20/2009 08:23 PM

You spelled "throes" correctly.

Dead Madness' Party 1,404 5
10/20/2009 09:37 PM

Sweet, is that uncommon around here?
What do I win?!

Whistler P. McManus 141,703 23
10/20/2009 09:47 PM

You win the Chickens von Goatherd Memorial Revelations Referencing Award. Your prize is a copy of The Voyages of the Beagle.

Whistler P. McManus 141,703 23
10/20/2009 09:47 PM

Pants works at Kinkos. The body shop/hardware store gig is a sideline.

Millie 107,064 10
10/27/2009 07:26 PM

I heard this one just the other day:

I hate it when that Laurie woman microwaves her Frost-ing fish for lunch! This whole place smells like rotten twat!

Whistler P. McManus 141,703 23
10/27/2009 11:39 PM

Female Employee: I have this notice for jury duty - I won't be at work next week.

Whistler (just making a joke): I thought conviceted felons couldn't serve on juries?

Female Employee: DUI IS NOT A FELONY!

cakes and ale 2,137 4
10/28/2009 12:06 AM

Yesterday I walked into an office that is shared by three men just in time to hear one of them ask, "Which one of you used my computer to log on to YouPorn?"

I said, "I'd re-think sitting in that chair."