I Try My Hand at Comedy (and fail)
A comedy article
by 666999x  149  4
10/18/2009 06:53 PM 671 views
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I'm not sure if I ever told you about how I wanted to turn into a stand-up comedian like they have on Comedy Central and make a million dollars, but I do. Everyone's always saying how I'm a real funny guy. People are always laughing at me, even when I'm not talking or trying to act funny. All I have to do is walk into a room and everyone starts laughing.
Being a millionaire would really make my life a whole lot easier. I could pay off my bills and get my water turned back on and wouldn't have to carry around gallon jugs with me everywhere I went so I could sponge off later and boil some Ramen noodles.
A couple months back I went and did open mike night at the Ha Ha Hut in the Paradise Strip Mall and I was a complete bomb. In fact, people even started booing and throwing beer at me. One guy even yelled out how I was a Froster. I ended up soaked and bawling and had to run off the stage. My mom was there and she held me tight while I sobbed.
Howard, the guy who owns the place, was real nice to me and told me how one time he even saw Gilbert Godfried get booed off the stage, but it didn't really make me feel better.
"Who's Gilbert Godfried?"
"He's the guy with the annoying voice who does those insurance commercials on tv," Howard told me. "Everyone's gotta take their lumps starting out."
I figured my comedy career was over, no matter what Howard said. I would have to keep on being a convenience store clerk till I die. The thought made me very sad.
It was my roomie Tommy Firbolg who convinced me to try it again. He's a great guy and a good buddy and always has my back. He's been crashing at my apartment for almost a year, ever since he caught his boyfriend Carl in bed with a woman. He told me how I should never give up and never say die, even when I totally suck at something.
"Did America quit when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" he asked.
So I found myself back there at the Ha Ha Hut signing the release forms and praying for laughs.
There were only like eight people in there the night I did my set, all at the same table, and all trashed on Jager. They couldn't give two Shakespeares about me and barely looked up when I was introduced. I got up there, stood in front of the fake brick wall, and told my funny little stories. The silence was deafening. Being ignored turned out worse than being booed or getting beer thrown on me. I knocked on the mike and said "Is this thing on?" but it was. The only one laughing was Tommy and he was just being supportive. His laughs are extra loud and kind of robotic-sounding when he's supporting my comedy.
They give you ten minutes for open mike night and I got down off the stage six minutes early, feeling naked and kind of dirty. You get a free drink when your set is over if you want one and Chuck the bartender was nice enough to give me an entire beer mug full of tequila. He said he felt sorry for me and that I looked like I needed it.
"Bigtime," he said.
The mug wasn't your average 12-ouncer but a full pint and within twenty minutes I was completely Shakespeare-faced and picking fights with the people at the table.
"What's a matter? Too cool to laugh? Why would you go out to a comedy club and not laugh? What're you, retarded? Is this your bitch next to you or did you rent her for the night..." And so on.
The biggest, meanest looking guy at the table stood up and decked me and I went flying into a barmaid carrying a tray full of empty glasses. That was when Tommy came to my rescue and dragged me into the john. I was bleeding from my nose and my head was pounding and swimming. I didn't feel well either because of all the tequila I drank.
I started crying about how no one loves me and how I'm going to stay a convenience store clerk till I die.
"No one loves me," I said. "I'm gonna stay a convenience store clerk till I die."
Tommy tried to comfort me as best he could. "There, there," he said, patting me on the head. "There, there."
Suddenly I had to go to the bathroom. I climbed to my feet using the trashcan and stumbled over to the urinal, but couldn't figure out how to work my pants. I whizzed anyway.
Now I was all wet and smelled like pee. When I started bawling again, Tommy didn't try to comfort me. "Dude, you just pissed your pants!" he said, pointing at my crotch.
"No one loves me," I told him. "I'm gonna stay a convenience store clerk till I die."
"Dude, you just pissed your pants!" he repeated. He left me standing there all pathetic, clutching the urinal with one hand and wiping tears from red, puffy eyes with the other.
I decided to try and go home. I managed to get out of the john and into the hall before I realized I couldn't walk. I tipped over next to the plastic potted plant they got sitting there next to the never-used payphone.
The fake plant wasn't in dirt but something more appropriate: brown Styrofoam. Taking a deep breath, I let go with a massive barf and covered the whole otherworldly thing in vile tequila-smelling slime. Then I passed out.
When I woke up I was in Howard's office. Just by looking around I could tell he was really into porn. On the desk was a stack of dog-eared Screw magazines. A half-inflated blow-up doll sat limply in the corner, a semen-stained towel over her head. Under the computer desk was a knee-high pile of crumpled-up Kleenex.
"Are you OK?" he asked me.
"Uhh," I said. My head was swimming.
Howard said something about how I was a nice kid, but "unfortunately" I wasn't invited back. He said he wished me the best, but that I was "troubled" and should seek help.
"Immediately."
The next day I got promoted to Associate at the convenience store, so I've put my comedy career on hold for now.
More Shakespeare...
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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0 votes
0.0
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wulver 52  6
10/18/2009 07:24 PM
Wow. This is a comedy site, not a place to tell the story about how sad your life is. Which was depressing. In fact, I think you ruined my night. Have fun dying a convenience store clerk, jack-hole.
[I dont know why I expected a thread titled that way to be funny]
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Bill the Zombie Squirrel 53,270 54
10/18/2009 11:31 PM
Nice article.
Hey wulver,
Shut your mouth! That was humorous. Don't be such a cum gobbler.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Amityville Ravos 63,472 21
10/19/2009 07:30 AM
If you want to be a famous comedian, make a sex tape and leak it on the internet. I'm sure it'll be a riot!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,330 11
10/19/2009 08:18 AM
Wulver, I'm just wondering....is your strategy for combatting the "non-comedy" involve being unfunny yourself, kind of like fighting fire with fire?
If that's the case, you're doing a good job, keep it up.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
10/19/2009 03:18 PM
I'm a firefighter... one thing I learned pretty quickly? That fight fire with fire thing only works in RARE occasions and NOT on every fire.
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,330 11
10/19/2009 04:08 PM
I'm a firefighter... one thing I learned pretty quickly? That fight fire with fire thing only works in RARE occasions and NOT on every fire.
Which proves my point that being unfunny in reponse to a perceived unfunny article isn't working. But he/she/it did do a good job in the execution of the plan.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Big Texas 5 3
10/19/2009 04:20 PM
"A half-inflated blow-up doll sat limply in the corner, a semen-stained towel over her head."
I prefer other peoples socks..... Wait did you check your socks when you woke up?
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Bride of Frankenfurter 171,275 14
10/19/2009 05:51 PM
This isnt a story about his life, its fictional. I cant say I've read a story of his that I havent liked but this one was kinda boring to me. Cant bat 1000 everytime.
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0 votes
0.0
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wulver 52 6
10/19/2009 08:31 PM
Hey, I'm fairly new. Gimme a chance and I'll figure what to and what not to say. I have good moments and bad ones. But seriously it was a tad depressing to me. I started to read the link, but really I don't have nearly a big enough attention span.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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666999x 149 4
10/20/2009 01:59 AM
Wulver: it's all good. There are many kinds of funny. There's of course funny-haha. Then there's funny-strange (like when you watch people arguing about politics), then there's funny-sad, which is what this story is and all that Balloon Boy crap and the Bush and or Obama Presidencies.
Bride of Frankenfurter: Boring? You can't tell from my typing alone, but tears are streaming down my cheeks!! ;)
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Amityville Ravos 63,472 21
10/20/2009 06:40 AM
The emoticon sealed you fate.
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Bride of Frankenfurter 171,275 14
10/20/2009 06:42 AM
Its just Chance, and I feed of man tears. Thank you for the snack.
I love your other stuff though if that counts for anything!
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Amityville Ravos 63,472 21
10/20/2009 07:08 AM
Thanks, I love your 'other stuff' too Chance.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Bride of Frankenfurter 171,275 14
10/20/2009 07:18 AM
Oh thanks! I work very hard on my other stuff!
Wait, what are we talking about again?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Pramable Lectern 80,728 42
10/20/2009 01:07 PM
"I would have to keep on being a convenience store clerk till I die"
Welcome to the Brotherhood, Herb!
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 68,517 19
10/20/2009 04:51 PM
The emoticon sealed you fate.
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Ravos, you are my hero of the next three minutes.
Starting...now!
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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666999x 149 4
10/21/2009 02:21 AM
Feeding on men's tears? Didn't I marry you once (or twice)?
OUCH.
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