Halloween is your one chance to buy 73 pounds of bite-size Butterfinger bars without shame, which should last until you can get your next fix at Easter. But buying in bulk puts you at an extra risk should you wind up purchasing a total (non-Milk) dud of a candy. That's why I'll be reviewing the Worst Tasting Halloween Candy, so you can be sure which candies to hoard, and which candies you should throw out the front door at that angry mob of children.
The Methodology
I acquired our samplings from the local Target. I started with a baseline of well-known candy brands, but since we're cultivating diabetes on a budget, I aimed toward the "affordable" aisle. My first impressions:
Pumpkin Spice Hershey's Kisses
A seasonal item, and my wife's singular obsession come fall, these bad boys are going to make up for every other awful thing we'll be choking down.
Candy Corn Hershey's Kisses
The exact opposite of everything I just wrote about the Pumpkin Spice variety; these things combine the sweet chocolate delight of a Hershey's Kiss with the pure unmitigated horror of candy corn.
Extreme Sour Warheads
I actually kind of fear these, because sour stuff is not something I actively seek out. Plus the first time I ever ate one of these as a kid, I had no idea what it was and wound up vomiting on the playground.
Sour QBZ
Tiny neon-colored sugar cubes. You can't really go wrong with that, right?
Chocolate Mousse Peeps
They ain't just for Easter any more. Can the Styrofoam texture of Peeps possibly be mellowed by chocolaty goodness? No. No, it can't.
Finger Lollipops
The easy way to give kids the finger: just hand these out to trick-or-treaters.
Watermelon Cooler Lip Pops
Ah, wax teeth with a watermelon-flavored balloon knot on the ass end. I'm a fan of food that allows you to look like a complete jackass while enjoying it.
Monster Mask with Gummy Eyeballs
Again, I'm all in favor of looking ridiculous while enjoying your sugar delivery system. Bonus points to this one for providing a means of robbing the convenience store down the street.
Candy Rings
They might be horrible chalky tragedies, but at least they could double as brass knuckles.
"Gourmet" Gummy Brains & Fangs
I'm really interested to find out just what makes these things "gourmet," because honestly they look god-awful.
Brach's Autumn Mix
Ah, the crappy cream of the crop. Pumpkin-shaped sugar bombs mixed in with not one but TWO kinds of candy corn, which exists solely as a cruel joke on naive children who've yet to fall for the delicious orange facade. This will probably be the point where I start to throw up.
With my testing materials in hand, it was time to wrangle up some test subjects.
Next: The Tasting!
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