With my test subjects outlined in Part 1, I was ready to determine the worst-tasting Halloween candy. I knew I couldn't go it alone without risking a sugar coma, so I decided to enlist the help of my superhumanly patient wife, Kat. She might be my life partner, but I wasn't about to share our first item.
Monster Mask
The Monster Mask comes with two candy eyeballs that are encased in a plastic capsule that is nearly impossible to open. Trying to gnaw through the slick plastic casing while prying the two halves of that little eyeball egg might work up your appetite, but your reward is a weird, foamy-textured eyeball split into two halves. One offers a horrible apple flavor and an odor that I imagine is what the Joker's hair probably smells like.
The white of the eyes has the consistency of bathroom caulk with little to no flavor. But you get a super classy mask!
On the gross factor, you're eating eyes. They also happen to be about the size and consistency of a cow's eye.
With the tasting of the Monster Mask, we began scoring (1 being the lowest ranking, 10 being highest):
Appearance: 9/10
Taste: 2/10
Gross Factor: 8/10
Finger Lollipops
The Finger Lollipops come in a delightful variety of both "skeleton" and "decrepit monster finger." As far as flavors, though, we couldn't tell a difference because they both just taste like plastic. They smell like plastic, too. In fact, they feel like plastic in your mouth. So if you're a Monsanto employee and want something you can feel comfortable gnawing on at work, this should do the trick. If you like actual taste in your candy, then we can't really recommend it.
However, they do get bonus points for being both able to be stuffed in a nostril and deep throated. In that order.
Appearance: 4/10
Taste: 0/10
Gross Factor: 5/10
Candy Rings
Just because you're a grown ass man choking down unhealthy amounts of candy alone in your parents' basement doesn't mean you can't look good while doing it. Enter these bad boys: a blend of high fashion and high fructose.
"I don't actually recognize any of these ingredients as words," Kat muttered dubiously. The jewelry face tastes like the stick from a pack of Fun-Dip hooked up with a roll of Smarties and had a chalky baby. The ring itself is rock hard, jagged candy shrapnel that can simultaneously crack a tooth while puncturing gum tissue.
Would Kat try it again? "This tastes like chunky tooth decay." So no.
Appearance: 5/10
Taste: 2/10
Gross Factor: 7/10
Watermelon Cooler Lip Pop
The lip pop combines the "fun" of wax lips with a hard, Jolly Rancher-ish ball gag to choke you.
Yeah you've got some fun green monster lips to impress dates with, but there's something really unsettling about this big pink balloon knot on the end that you're just expected to pop in your mouth.
On the plus side, you could just as easily anchor this in your ass. If you're into that sort of thing.
As far as flavor, it's vaguely Watermelon-y, in that bizarre artificial watermelon flavor kind of way.
Appearance: 5/10
Taste: 3/10
Gross Factor: 5/10
Candy Corn Kisses
Ah, Hershey's. What could possibly go wrong with a mainstream name and a timeless classic like the Hershey's Kiss? What's that? They combined the sweet milk chocolate treat with the horrible sugary taste of candy corn, the patron saint of Shakespearety candy? The end result is a mediocre chocolate that is just barely less nauseating than its namesake.
It's got a slight white chocolate finish, but the cloyingly-sweet and nauseating candy corn taste it just too overpowering to make this a winner. It's even painted to look like a candy corn, so while it's not intended to be a gross-out candy, it ends up being pretty freaking gross.
Appearance: 3/10
Taste: 4/10
Gross Factor: 5/10
Pumpkin Spice Kisses
"These are like a little morsel of pumpkin pie!" Kat's eyes lit up at the hint of nutmeg and sugary pumpkin flavor.
These were by far the best of our bunch so far. Really the only downside is that if you're going for quantity you're going to get sick and throw up before you can kill a whole bag of these. It's probably going to be worth it, though.
Appearance: 7/10
Taste: 9/10
Gross Factor: 3/10
We had our first round of tastings in the bag, and Finger Lollipops were our most horrible candy so far. But with the Pumpkin Spice Kisses out of the way, it was time to get serious with our sugar.
Next: The Final Rankings!
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