Crappy Consumer Reports: Worst Tasting Halloween Candy III A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland 49,000 13 10/19/2009 03:14 PM 5381 views
By this point in our Worst-Tasting Halloween Candy challenge, Kat and I had experienced the highs of pumpkin-flavored chocolate and the lows of foamy eyeball candy [read Part 1 and Part 2 here]. But nothing could prepare us for the horrors of what we'd face in Part 3.
Gourmet Gummy Brains & Fangs
"Ooooh, gourmet!" Kat cooed sarcastically, "as opposed to those run-of-the-mill gummy brains and fangs we have for everyday snacking." If you try these and like 'em, stock up. They have an expiration date of January 2011, so you can get through several Halloweens and then some.
The fangs seem to be made of the same disgusting foamy candy that the eyeballs were. Their texture is more than a little reminiscent of Cyber Skin. The taste is terrible. It's vaguely fruity in an extremely artificial way but it's mainly just bland and foamy.
The brains, however, reminded us of generic fruit snacks you might've had in your lunch as a kid. They're light and sweet with just a tiny bit of the insulation foam Shakespeare to temper things. Plus, you can mash two brains together and upgrade them to testicles.
When you rip open the bag of these depressed-looking chocolate cats, you're hit with a stench not unlike stale coffee resting in an old ashtray.
I'm not sure what the hell these things are flavored with, but no cocoa beans were harmed in the making of it. They have the color and consistency of cat Shakespeare, crusted with enough crystallized sugar to choke a horse.
Kat seemed to enjoy performing head transplants by biting off and mismatching their little chocolate kitty bodies, though.
Appearance: 3/10 Taste: 1/10 Gross Factor: 4/10
Sour QBZ
I had never heard of Sour QBZ before, but they come packaged alongside Atomic Warheads as part of some sort of tastebud torture bag. These guys had by far the best flavor of any of the fruity things we tasted, though.
Watermelon was the overwhelming favorite, though again, no real watermelons ever touched anything in this package.
They're sort of sour, in the way that a Sour Patch Kid is sour, but they're more sweet than anything. However, the next entry made up for that.
Appearance: 8/10 Taste: 8/10 Gross Factor: 2/10
Atomic Warheads
Frost. Me. These things suck so bad. I don't understand candy that exists only to punish you as some sort of cruel joke. "It's over in like 30 seconds!" Kat assured me. With five different flavors I wasn't about to endure two and a half minutes of agony. I decided to try them all out at the same time.
The result? Watery eyes, a hole burned in my tongue, and the inability to taste anything. Sadly, this last side effect would wear off just before our last contender.
Appearance: 7/10 Taste: -10/10 Gross Factor: 3/10
Brach's Autumn Mix
Ah, Brach's. In an era of government bailouts, it's nice to see a company that can only have existed this long because every single American consumer feels bad coming right out and saying how Shakespearety the candy is. Has anyone ever eaten a Brach's product and thought, "Hmm, that was pretty tasty!"?
The bag swears that these putrid bastards are made with real honey, but there's nothing real-tasting about any of it. Candy corn. Chocolate candy corn. Bizarre sugar pumpkins. All of them waxy and cringe-worthy. What good is a freshness guarantee on a product that instantly tastes like stale sugar that's been sitting out for six months?
Kat couldn't take it and quickly spat hers out, but we still had a 1 lb. bag of diabetes on our hands. I tried to taste en masse, but a mouthful of Brach's is a fate worse than death.
Brach's Autumn Mix was our loser, hands down! Whether you're looking to scare away unwanted trick-or-treaters, or get rid of pesky co-workers, throw them a handful of Brach's. One bite, and they'll never bother you again.
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
Wow, I never get any of that stuff when I'm beating up kids for their candy trick or treating. I usually get 8 million tubes of Smarties. I'm going into diabetic shock just thinking about them.
In Canada we have these nameless taffy-like candies that are wrapped in generic orange, black, and yellow wrapping paper with halloween designs. When I say nameless, I mean nameless, not only is there is no brand name on the individual wrappers or even the bag they all come in, but there's no NAME. We have absolutely no clue what the Frost they are.
In any case, they're a healthy brown color and have the taste and consistancy of hardened pig turds. I think some bitter farmers from our hog industry just wrap up the little Shakespeares and ship them out to unsuspecting city folk.
Uhhhg,those things are gross. I think they are basically molasses. They are supposed to be soft, but 95% of the time they are hard and teeth shattering from sitting on a shelf for 8 years.
Man, I guess you either love em or hate em, but I have a bag of the autumn mix in my cubicle and I'm about halfway through it. I don't like the chocolate ones, but the traditional candy corn and the pumpkins are yummy.
In Canada we have these nameless taffy-like candies that are wrapped in generic orange, black, and yellow wrapping paper with halloween designs. When I say nameless, I mean nameless, not only is there is no brand name on the individual wrappers or even the bag they all come in, but there's no NAME. We have absolutely no clue what the Frost they are.
In any case, they're a healthy brown color and have the taste and consistancy of hardened pig turds. I think some bitter farmers from our hog industry just wrap up the little Shakespeares and ship them out to unsuspecting city folk.
That stuff is horribly nasty. I haven't seen any in a few years, though... I guess the entire town's out of crappy candy from the late '80s.
Warheads are those candies that you buy thing, "Dude, these cannot be as bad as I remember." And when they are, you're stuck with a whole damn bag to get through!
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