Building the Smashproof Pumpkin, Part 3 A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 7,149 7 10/21/2009 07:11 PM 4535 views
The Testing
The day for testing the Smashproof Pumpkins had finally arrived [read Part 1 and Part 2 of the experiment here].
To find out which of these pumpkins was smashproof, I devised three tests to simulate the kinds of sneak attacks that a pumpkin might encounter.
"We have ways of making you squish"
The first would simulate a stomping attack, using a five-pound brick dropped from a height of five feet.
She's a brick ... well, actually, she's just a brick.
The second would simulate an attack with a baseball bat, using ... well, a baseball bat. (Technically, a junior girl's softball bat, but close enough.)
Yes, it was chilly.
The third would simulate being hit by a piece of debris, from a tornado I guess. I don't know. I just wanted to hit pumpkins with a six-foot length of steel tubing.
My pole.
WARNING: These experiments were performed by a complete amateur. They have been deemed dangerous and extremely fun to do, and should only be attempted by those who promise not to sue anybody, ever.
TEST ONE: STOMP ATTACK
First under the brick was the control pumpkin.
Stomp attack (control pumpkin)
Remarkably, it came out completely undamaged. Next up was the spray foam pumpkin.
Stomp attack (spray foam pumpkin)
It just took a couple of dings around the lid. Following that was the pea gravel pumpkin.
Stomp attack (pea gravel pumpkin)
It took similar lid damage. Last came the concrete pumpkin.
Stomp attack (concrete pumpkin)
A bad hit cracked its lid, like some hippies I know.
Judging from the results of this test, even uncarved pumpkins are harder to stomp than they appear. Remember that fact next Halloween -- it may save your ankle.
TEST TWO: BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA
The control pumpkin led off the batting order, this time to face a grown man wielding a little girl's softball bat.
Blunt force attack (control pumpkin)
Its wounds were grievous, but it remained intact enough to move to the final test. Next up to bat was the pea gravel pumpkin.
Blunt force attack (pea gravel pumpkin)
Its mass deflected the bat upward, causing the pumpkin to topple off of my makeshift pumpkin stand, peaing everywhere. (In hindsight, this could have been prevented by mixing in some delicious gelatin.) Despite the fall it was still in pretty good shape, so I scooped as much gravel back into it as I could for the next test.
Blunt force attack (pea gravel pumpkin)
Pinch hitting for the bully that used to torment me in high school was the effervescent spray foam pumpkin. It took a good solid hit that knocked it clean into the weeds. Just as I had hoped the spray foam had not only cushioned the blow but also tried to regain its shape after the impact. It looked like it was a real contender for the smashproof title.
Blunt force attack (spray foam pumpkin)
Batting in the clean-up spot for test two was the unhappy concrete pumpkin.
Blunt force attack (concrete pumpkin)
I readied myself for the impending Bugs Bunny style vibrations and gave it a good smack. It did not move an inch, and surprisingly enough the flesh of the pumpkin had apparently deadened any vibratory response. With just a dent and a small crack, it moved on to the final test as well.
Blunt force attack (concrete pumpkin)
Now that they were injured by the unrelenting power of the girls' softball bat, the pumpkins knew I was serious. The concrete and spray foam pumpkins were proving to be the closest to smashproof so far, but test three would determine a winner.
TEST THREE: ATTACK FROM ABOVE
In pole position was the control pumpkin, the underdog in this experiment.
Attack from above (control pumpkin)
It was finally smashed by the downward force of the steel tube against its waxy orange top. May he rest in pieces.
"At least we can make soup"
The pea gravel pumpkin was next to be poled. It was popped like a zit by the momentum of the steel tube, and the gravel poured out into a pile on the ground. With that, the pea gravel pumpkin failed the smashproof test.
Attack from above (pea gravel pumpkin)
I then moved on to the spray foam pumpkin, or "Foamy," as my daughters now called him. He got the shaft with a glancing blow that took his face off. If it had hit more towards the center, he might have made it ... but having your face peeled off is a definite sign of smashability.
Attack from above (spray foam pumpkin)
The last subject of our third test was everyone's favorite; the concrete pumpkin. Sure, little pieces went flying everywhere and there was a big chunk gone afterwards, but it bent the pole!
Attack from above (concrete pumpkin)
Seriously, it bent the pole. I think that's the closest we're going to get to smashproof without tapping into the national defense budget.
In conclusion, my quest to find the smashproof pumpkin led to several interesting discoveries. I learned that just by not carving or cleaning a pumpkin at all, one can easily make a smash resistant pumpkin. I learned that a little dab of spray foam will do ya, and that pea gravel is sometimes used as cat litter. Lastly, I learned that if you want to truly make a smashproof pumpkin, you're going to need planning, patience and a bag of concrete.
If you enjoyed Building the Smashproof Pumpkin, you might also enjoy The All-American Pumpkin, where we smash a pumpkin under the wheels of a subway train.
That's good to know. but none of your methods really work for actual carved pumpkins. You must also live in a much more dangerous neighborhood than me if the little thugs are wielding baseball bats. Over here, the little Emersons just throw it through the windshield of my car.
I was going to suggest dropping the pumpkins from a great height, but it looks like you live in Iowa or Vermont or some other place with no tall buildings.
I was going to suggest dropping the pumpkins from a great height, but it looks like you live in Iowa or Vermont or some other place with no tall buildings.
Well I don't know about smash proof; But if you want people to regret harming your pumpkins, fill them with some foul items. Rotten eggs, animal droppings, a mixture of 3 month old left overs in zip lock baggies.
Of course you might not want to fill the pumpkins in your yard with this because it would be all over your lawn and you'd have to clean it up; so pick a neighbor you don't like and send some teenagers over afterwords :D
You have a skullet (business in front, party in the rear, nothing on top). You swing a bat like a little girl. The crack of your ass was a most disturbing sight.
However, when you took the axe to the foam filled pumpkin, I fell in love.
"You have a skullet (business in front, party in the rear, nothing on top)." Actually its nothing up front, and party everywhere else, unless you saw a bald spot my wife has not pointed out. I find that highly unlikly since she lives for that Shakespeare.
"You swing a bat like a little girl." I think thats appropriate since it was a little girl's bat.
"The crack of your ass was a most disturbing sight." Glad it disturbed you, but I guess this means your gayness wore off.
"However, when you took the axe to the foam filled pumpkin, I fell in love."
Oh, I guess it didn't after all.
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