Pramable Lectern 78,171 40
10/23/2009 07:53 AM

"I don't have a car".

Analog 9,387 18
10/23/2009 08:04 AM

"I've got your stuff" - in a mass email

Crouching Ravos, Hidden Dragon 62,361 20
10/23/2009 08:22 AM

"You're gunna love my nuts"

On national television.

Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,324 11
10/23/2009 08:25 AM

Sure, we can have another kid.

Pramable Lectern 78,171 40
10/23/2009 08:35 AM

"Your dead sister is better off without you".

hairy kari gal 12,075 15
10/23/2009 10:26 AM

Once I accidently peed in my mouth

followed by

Oh crap there's a 6 YOA floating in the air!!!

Disco Poltergeist 4,322 8
10/23/2009 10:51 AM

I'll just pull out.

Brad Poynter 35,418 48
10/23/2009 11:07 AM

Anyone wanna help me smoke this joint? - Shouted in the middle of everyone at a company picnic.

Amazingly I still work here.

BC Bud 13,693 15
10/23/2009 03:21 PM

I have told this one before but here it is again. The first time I had sex I was so drunk I could hardly feel anything below my waist. I was trying to enter her and asked "am I in yet?". She got very annoyed and said something to the effect of I am not that loose. She thought I was accusing her of having a sloppy cooch I guess. Where as I was just so drunk I couldn't feel anything..


she still let me screw her though...

Barney-PurpleScaryThing 2,117 17
10/23/2009 03:46 PM

Will you marry me?


/obligatory

Pants 14,213 17
10/23/2009 03:56 PM

I think I was about 18 or so and a friend of mine and I were drinking over at his house. While we were surfing the net I noticed a picture on the wall of his mother when she was in high school.
Soon after we were called to dinner. I looked over at his mother and said, "I saw your picture upstairs and I have to say that you were a hot looking lady."
She immediately gave me a scowl. Realizing my mistake I said, "What I meant to say was 'hot looking young lady.'"
Needless to say that was one of the most uncomfortable meals in my life.

Shemped on the 4th of July 22,212 16
10/23/2009 05:03 PM

When I was about 19 or 20, I was over at a friend's house. There were about 4 or 5 of us, sitting around a table, including a black guy I did not know.

As I lit a joint, took a puff or two, passed it to my friend Steve(known for aqua-lunging too) I said...


" 'Ear, don't Ogden Nash lip it".




Whoops.

Dead Madness' Party 4,360 10
10/24/2009 01:54 PM

I got a bad mark on an assignment in grade 4, which prompted me to tell the teacher.

"You'll be sorry you did this when I'm dead!"

I had to talk to the guidance counselor every day for a month after that.

Crouching Ravos, Hidden Dragon 62,361 20
10/26/2009 07:19 AM

There was a song playing on our stereo, and I was sorta ignoring everyone and just listening to the song, and I sang along "Just another thing for my fist to stuff".


...as my friend was talking about his common-law wife.

the fun in disfunctional 1,970 6
10/26/2009 08:57 AM

I do.

Cinderblock 27,522 24
10/26/2009 09:13 AM

I saw a sign on the window of a convenience store that said, "Jerry's Kids," and it had a bunch of pictures of kids of different races. Now, I know what Jerry's Kids is all about, but for some reason at that moment it just... didn't... click. Of course, I had to say out loud, "Hey, this Jerry guy certainly got around... he's got white kids, black kids, asian kids... hey, is it just me, or do these kids look retarded?"

Then I remembered.

Crouching Ravos, Hidden Dragon 62,361 20
10/26/2009 09:15 AM

Remembered what? That you married him?

Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,324 11
10/26/2009 09:16 AM

It's a forgivable mistake. It could have been the Jerry from the trailer park that the sign was referring too. Those kids all look the same no matter what their color is.

Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,324 11
10/26/2009 09:18 AM

"Could have been 'the' Jerry from the trailer park?" I think I've been taking grammar lessons from Jerry's kids....

Gonzo 20,504 16
10/26/2009 12:19 PM

"CONTINUE THE COMEDY"

Crouching Ravos, Hidden Dragon 62,361 20
10/26/2009 12:20 PM

Why would you press that button if you didn't intend on following it's instructions!?

Gonzo 20,504 16
10/26/2009 12:26 PM

Well... the title isn't "The Most Prescient Things You've Ever Said Just Before You Did Them"