Due to my recent experiences with the substance, I would suggest doing something with spray foam.

Nothing says "I'll never be back" like sealing up your favorite orifaces.

Shrimp tails in the curtain rods or A/C vents? There'd be a delay, but it would make a hell of a statement.

Move everything in the house six inches, change all the contents of the cupboards, and hide her seeing eye cane.

Tell her you'll never see these nuts again. Which is true on several levels.

Nothing says "We're through" like a hard, swift kick to the vagina.

Brick up the house and cut all the power while she is sleeping inside it. Not only will she never see you again, she will never see anyone else.

You need to tell he the truth. Tell her the following:

Saturday, your sister dropped by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times.

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

Move key pieces of furniture and apply Vaseline to all of the door knobs. Then get about 20 - 30 crickets and scatter them through the house. The Vaseline and furniture should be mildly annoying but the damn crickets will last for days and days.

"My boyfriend will be stopping by on Sunday to pick up anything I might have forgotten."

Bit of a time delay, but buy a carton of eggs, must be the cardboard carton, and wedge it in the rafters, so that when the carton rots away, the eggs have a good 3 to 4 foot drop, also, go to lowes or home depot, and in the birdfood section, they sell 40lb bags of thistle seed. ever seen a thistle? they're viscious Frosters. seed the lawn. barring that, tell her your Earth Way Father will be along soon to appraise the worth of your belonging, as you have finally trancended the detriment of earthly posseions. print a list of specific instructions abot how to act when yor cult leader arrives. include groveling and Temple of Doom stlye worshipping.

Mung, I wish I could give more clickies for that. The term "cinnamon ring" alone is worth a fiver.

Beat her with a bag of sweet valencia oranges. It won't leave a mark, but it'll show her whos boss.

You must move your house to the lee of the stone.

I still think you should just punch her in the face Bill. She won't know it's you.


And she'll never see it coming!

Bill, I don't really believe you are dumping her. She kicked you out. Just admit it. You're not going to find someone else who will put up with you--unless you find another blind, insane woman. Even then, it didn't last with this one. So...good luck.

Maybe next time try a deaf insane woman. I hear they're wild in the sack because they can't hear how loud they are.

Or it could be like that scene in Children of a Lesser God. When she opens her mouth to speak she sounds like Orca the Killer Whale.

OK, I'll open it up. She wears hearing aids also.*

















*you really should click me for the opening I just left you!

Deaf, dumb, and blind? Sounds like the perfect woman to me.

And she sure plays a mean pinball...

Don't worry Bill, she don't want you back. I've been piping her for almost a year now. She's a dirty little slut. Had no idea she was in that movie!

Blind Girls Gone Wild?

I love you, Humphrey.