Crappy Consumer Reports: Most Offensive Halloween Candy
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland | 10/26/2009 01:55 PM | 9218 views
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There's a whole market of Halloween candy producers that have said, "Who the hell says we have to try to be appetizing?" and set off to make candy so disgusting, so offensive, that you'll never even get around to tasting it. Here's ZUG.com's never-to-be-repeated-until-next-year review of the Most Offensive Halloween Candy. Ever.
Body Parts Candy
I realize I'm probably going to say this a lot through the course of this list, but whatever happened to subtlety? Do kids really need a bag full of assorted gummy meat that looks like it should've come in an oozing box postmarked from Afghanistan?
Organ Harvest Gummy Candies
As long as we're exposing kids to harsh realities they really have no business knowing, we might as well get 'em on the organ donor express. Who doesn't get a little peckish thinking about harvesting cadavers to further scientific research or thwart the ravages of cirrhosis? This should come with a tiny little driver's license so your kids can jot down their wishes for when the drunk teenager heading home from the corn maze kegger mows them down in their little black cat outfit.
Sniffels Leaky Nose
I submit this should be more of a Christmas item, as many of my winter memories involve snot running down my lip and onto my waiting tongue, which this Groucho Marx mask allegedly recreates. But anyone can suck their own snot out of their head. I say go full bore and recruit a friend to suckle your sweet nose goo like some sort of demonic newborn from hell.
Toe Jam Candy
How many times have you come home from a hard day's work on your feet to kick off your shoes, note the pungent, fetid odor quickly expanding to fill your bedroom, and think to yourself, "God damn I need to eat that right the Frost now!" Well now you can eat toe jam right there in the living room without worrying about the judgment and scorn of your roommates. I'm holding out for the inevitable belly button lint spinoff.
Zit Poppers
Anything that confuses/entices kids to eat bodily waste is a win in my book, and what better way to crush millions of future social lives by inspiring in kids a Pavlovian response to seek out and ingest zit poppings? These are apparently filled with gummy goo of some kind of another, but if they wanted to go for realism they'd fill 'em with vanilla custard. Maybe flan.
Boo Boos
There's a bodily trend in gross Halloween candy, and Boo Boos take it to the "Those aren't corn flakes!" level of childhood amusement by letting you pull and eat scabby band-aids from your body. Who hasn't ever seen one of those bad boys floating in the community pool and deftly scooped it into their mouth?
Blood Bag Candy
Now we're talking! Pure plasma, straight vampire fuel, and an instant dye pack for your own faux gunshot wounds at home. I'm hoping it comes with a way to administer the fructose intravenously, but I'd settle for an enema bag. Bonus points if you can recycle this to give back and donate some blood when you're done.
Sour Flush
Of all the candies mentioned so far, this one teaches the greatest lesson to children: you can find delicious sweets, if you're willing to fish around in a toilet long enough. On the plus side, it does help to prepare a generation of drop outs for manual labor in the custodial industry. On the down side, you're fishing candy out of a Frost-ing toilet.
Sour Liquid Candy Urine Samples
I wish I could take credit for this. I wish so badly that I could say there is no such thing as this and in reality I just tricked some kids to drink my urine on my front porch. But no, this is real and it seriously encourages kids to drink from urine specimen containers. Which means I've got to mix up some coconut flavoring and get a patent on my fertility clinic sample candy for next Halloween.
If you enjoyed Most Offensive Halloween Candy, you're sick. But you might also enjoy our companion piece, Worst-Tasting Halloween Candy.
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
13 votes
4.5
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.6
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John Hargrave
10/26/2009 01:56 PM
Hilarious article, but now I'm hungry.
Think I'll go have a spoonful of marshmallow creme.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.0
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Crouching Ravos, Hidden Dragon
10/26/2009 02:16 PM
Save that, KChiki, they'll be selling it as candy around this time next year.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Gonzo
10/26/2009 04:10 PM
Big frickin' deal. As if Tootsie Rolls haven't had the market cornered on the "candy resembling something disgusting" for years...
I mean.. I guess they could step it up a notch and do: Tootsie Rolls with Mini Candy Corn or something.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Gonzo
10/26/2009 04:15 PM
No... no.. no...
Can't do Circus Peanuts in there because they are actually MADE OF Shakespeare.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Randall Cleveland
10/26/2009 11:12 PM
When I worked at a video store we had a big announcement from corporate that we were going to start selling candy. They sent it all in big boxes with wire shelves that we had to assemble and a diagram for where each package of candy was to be placed on the rack. I could not, for the life of me, find where the Circus Peanuts went, so I turned to my 30-something MILF boss and said, "Hey Tina, where do you want me to put the circus penis?"
I immediately started laughing at my mistake, which I guess to her came across as laughing at sexually harassing her with my freakshow dong. She never showed me where to put 'em.
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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Night of the Living Ravos
10/27/2009 12:16 AM
Did she at least gently guide them to the place they belonged with her soft and delicate hands?
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Randall Cleveland
10/27/2009 11:26 AM
Sadly no.
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0 votes
0.0
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8th Anniversary Jeeni
10/31/2009 02:36 AM
Circus penis and Boob-oos!
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0 votes
0.0
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LinLorienelen
11/04/2009 05:01 AM
My dad got me the Leaky Nose one. If it hadn't tasted so bad, I would have worn that thing all day.
Still have no idea where he got it.
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