Lily's Lube Job
A comedy article
by 666999x  149  4
10/28/2009 03:46 PM 859 views
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Enis the Penis ran the local Rocket Lube and I'm not even kidding. He was also a reserve policeman and I'm not kidding about that either. The Rocket Lube changed the oil of young women who didn't know how to change it themselves, and also of rich people who couldn't be bothered with it, all busy shopping like they were. $35.99 for the full treatment, which included the oil, the oil change, and a once-over of your other lubricants. When the customer was a young woman, Enis the Penis and his cohorts would scare her with lies about the state of her vehicle so she would end up buying a bunch of filters and Shakespeare, squeezing another 30, 40 bucks out of her.
Enis the Penis was a tool and his stupid, grease-monkey cohorts were the tools of a tool. Enis thought he was smart, lying to a 22-year old woman, telling her how if she didn't get a new filter for her tranny fluid she was going to end up ruining the Johnson Rod. He'd snicker at his wit. "And another thing..." he'd say. "And another thing..."
And the poor woman would pay and pay.
What a colossal dick Enis the Penis was. When there was a special event in town, like a halfway decent band or during the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, he got to play cop. Holy Shakespeare, did he get off on that. Even though he'd only work like four hours in the evening, he'd put the uniform on first thing in the morning and wear that bitch all day long, rattling to anyone who'd listen about how he was in the 'reserves' and how 'needed and important' he was.
He was an even bigger dick on those occasions, as you can imagine. It takes a special kind of Emerson to want to be a cop in the first place, to want to be a professional buzzkill, to want to be a snooty, tattling hall monitor with a gun. But it takes a cosmic kind of Emerson to want to pretend to be one.
Lily is a friend of mine and she needed her oil changed. Even though I told her not to, she went down to the Rocket Lube to get it done. She was young, just 23, and very headstrong. She wouldn't listen to me.
All of my friends are young, in their 20s mostly, one or two in their early 30s. I can't Frost-ing stand people my own age. And men my own age are the worst--all that vacuous talk of golf and boats. It makes my skin crawl.
"Well," Lily said to me. "You change it then."
I refused, citing my aversion to physical labor. I did warn her about what was going to happen. "They're gonna change your oil and then tell you how you need new filters on everything. They're gonna tell you how your car is on the verge of ruin if you don't act now."
She said she was 3000 miles over and had no choice. "Besides, I won't fall for that crap. What do you take me for?"
It was during the Rally when she went down there, so Enis was busy playing cop. His Shakespeare-brown uniform was neatly pressed as he ordered around his minions from his perch by the microwave. Whenever he was playing cop his cohorts at the Rocket Lube turned into his minions. It was the damnedest thing.
He sprang to his feet when he saw Lily drive up.
Lily is extremely attractive, you see, and not in a plastic, artificial, magazine type way, either. She's curvy, corn-fed, and deliciously Midwestern. There's thickness and substance to her and a very real naturalness that is, by today's standards, completely exotic. Even though she was dressed casually for this particular occasion, wearing sweats and glasses rather than her contacts, her beauty was as obvious as a politician's lie.
Enis the Penis began calling her honey and darlin' and going on about what an adorable thing she was and about how he was going to take care of her as soon as possible. Apparently, he felt that driving a car in a straight line was beyond her capacity, so he offered to pull it into the garage for her.
"No, thanks," Lily told him. "I got it." Enis the Penis shrugged and, using his hand, waved her on in.
Expertly, she pulled into the garage and directly over the pit where the minions waited with their wrenches and their lies. She turned the engine off and they began their mysterious, esoteric work down below.
The Rocket Lube has a little waiting area in the office nook. It consists of two dirty plastic chairs, a stack of out-of-date fishing magazines, and a little tv turned to the Fox News Channel. Shockingly, Lily chose to not make use of it and, instead, remained in her car and texted me.
"You're right. This guy is a tool."
"Told ya," I responded. "Watch out! BullShakespeare up ahead."
"I'm ready. He keeps looking at me. Eww! He's really PUDGY."
"Look away! Do not meet his eyes!"
"He's the Pillsbury Dough Cop!"
Within fifteen minutes, the minions had completed their work and emerged from the pit as greasy as could be. There were four of them, a quartet of underpaid, blackfaced Al Jolsons. They consulted in hushed tones with Enis as he sat on his perch by the microwave.
"They're getting their story straight," Lily texted.
"Accept nothing!" I sent back.
Enis came up to the car. "It seems your fuel filter is shot, hon," he said. "You're gonna want to get that fixed. Also, your air filter is clogged. That's really important. It's like the lungs of the whole car."
"Wow," said Lily. "The lungs of the whole car?"
"Yep," said Enis. His tone was fatherly. "If I were you, I'd go for the Filter-palooza. That's where we go in and change all your filters at once, including for the power steering and transmission fluids, which, by the way, were both showing quite a bit of wear."
"How much will all this be?"
"Well, normally, the Filter-palooza runs $58.99, but I'm willing to go an even $55 for you, since you're so pretty and all." He smiled, revealing his yellow teeth.
"Aw, shucks," Lily said. "Thanks."
"Anything for you, hon."
I told you Enis the Penis was a dick. I may be a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them. The whole time he was talking to her, he was stroking his shiny black nightstick. He was always stroking his shiny black nightstick when he was playing cop.
"What's happening?" I texted her, but she didn't respond.
"Well...go ahead and do it, I guess," she said. "Since I'm getting a deal and all."
"A wise choice, young lady." Enis the Penis turned on his jackboot and barked orders at his minions. They bobbed their heads up and down in acquiescence and scurried back under the car like rats. Enis returned to his perch by the microwave and resumed his leering.
The Filter-palooza concluded twenty minutes later. Enis approached the car with a somewhat stiff gait. He was squeezing his shiny black nightstick so hard a thick, white fluid oozed from its tip.
"You're all set, hon," he said, his voice trembling. "Pull around to the side and come on in the office and we'll get you all squared away."
Lily backed out of the garage and drove away.
"Suckers!" she texted me as she drove. "w00t! w00t!"
This all happened during the Rally at the beginning of August. It's been over two months now and no one has come looking for her.
She totally got away with it.
2009 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally
A Black Hills wood lily, only a few miles from my house
More Shakespeare from 666999x (Some attention span required)
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Like This? Rate It!
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.8
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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WhereWolf? 99,723  76
10/28/2009 05:50 PM
I'm not sure if I should be turned on by this or not. Could someone please post and let me know?
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Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.7
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Thud 66,695 17
10/28/2009 06:01 PM
Reply hazy. Try again later.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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Frogpop 173,113 25
10/28/2009 10:21 PM
So instead of paying for a bunch of phantom filters (like a sucker) she sat around for a while and got the non-existant filter changes for free? That'll teach 'em! Oh, and I guess she stole an oil change.
If that's her idea of comeuppance (and based on the facts that she not only texts while driving, but that she texts "wOOt! wOOt!" ever) I think it's quite likely that her attractiveness has you convinced that she is "smart", when she is ..not. Don't worry, it's an easy mistake to make.
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0 votes
0.0
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666999x 149 4
10/29/2009 02:13 AM
WhereWolf: yes, you ARE turned on by this.
Thud: you're reply is hazy. i'll try again later
Frogcop: hey, I didn't know Enis the Penis had a Zug account. w00t!
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Night of the Living Ravos 62,361 20
10/29/2009 07:14 AM
I didn't read it all, but from the sounds of it, you are jealous of men your own age because you weren't invited to join the yacht club.
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Funny
4 votes
3.3
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
10/29/2009 07:30 AM
I hate golf, and I get seasick. In addition, televised sports bore the living Shakespeare out of me. Still, I manage to find friends my age, any age, really, who have similar interests.
Thievery is not funny.
Frogpop is really smart pretty smart.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.0
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Night of the Living Ravos 62,361 20
10/29/2009 07:33 AM
How is it relevent that you get sea-sick? Are you implying that people at yacht clubs actually sail?
If so, I believe you are mistaken. They simply stand around and admire the sheer beauty of a docked yacht, while sipping martini's and adjusting their cape-like sweaters.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,324 11
10/29/2009 09:05 AM
She didn't "get away with it", Enis just didn't pursue legal action because:
A) He didn't want to go through all that hassle for a $30 oil change.
B) He didn't want to admit that he's was trying to screw her over.
C) He doesn't have a bounty hunter brother named Brock the Coleridge to kill her.
As far as texting while driving...I hope she wraps her car around a pole and wrecks her pretty face. There is not a single thing on the cell phone that's more distracting than texting (unless you count jerking it to some mobile porn).
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
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Night of the Living Ravos 62,361 20
10/29/2009 09:10 AM
As far as texting while driving...I hope she wraps her car around a pole and wrecks her pretty face.
I on the other hand hopes she wraps her pretty face around a pole. I couldn't care less about the car.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 61,959 36
10/29/2009 09:52 AM
Holy Shakespeare, you guys actually read all of that?!
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0 votes
0.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 11,324 11
10/29/2009 10:03 AM
I learned everything I needed to know an this article from Frogpop's response. Thanks!
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0 votes
0.0
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666999x 149 4
10/29/2009 01:05 PM
Ravos wins with the pole comment. 5 stars. w00t!
Thievery IS funny! Especially from this fat pathetic Frost-ing loser who's worse than a real cop because he's a pretend cop.
If I do come across someone in their late 30s or early 40s who isn't catastrophically lame & boring as all holy hell, I will befriend them immediately, rest assured.
Hmm, what other moral outrage will this article cause????
*666999x scratches bald head introspectively*
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Dogs Akimbo 205,280 31
10/29/2009 01:22 PM
She's South Dakota smart.
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0 votes
0.0
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666999x 149 4
10/29/2009 04:05 PM
Speaking of smart, I know I've been hard on many of you with my use of multiple words and complete sentences and paragraphs and Shakespeare. I promise my next article will be constructed entirely out of photo captions and youtube responses.
Helpful Hint: the 'b' in subtle is silent. ;-) Lolz. w00t!
Everybody take care. I'm out. This talking smack Shakespeare has been fun!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 61,959 36
10/29/2009 09:20 PM
[b]Speaking of smart, I know I've been hard on many of you with my use of multiple words and complete sentences and paragraphs and Shakespeare[/b]. I promise my next article will be constructed entirely out of photo captions and youtube responses.
Helpful Hint: the 'b' in subtle is silent. [b];-) Lolz. w00t![/b]
Everybody take care. [b]I'm out.[/b] This talking smack Shakespeare has been fun!
Don't let the door hit your ass on the way.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 61,959 36
10/29/2009 09:21 PM
What the Frost, I can't put HTML inside of HTML?!
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0 votes
0.0
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666999x 149 4
10/29/2009 09:27 PM
Speaking of smart...
Like this:
I'm a dumbass
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0 votes
0.0
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A.C. the Sanguisuge Frankenstein 6,338 4
10/29/2009 09:52 PM
I like this Emerson.
Not everyone minds having a decent amount of script to read. It wasn't the greatest story, but I do enjoy your writing style.
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0 votes
0.0
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Night of the Living Ravos 62,361 20
10/30/2009 07:12 AM
What the Frost, I can't put HTML inside of HTML?!
What do you think you are, a magistrate? That would create a paradox!
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