The Infiltrator: Working Inside a Haunted House, Part 2
A comedy article
by Harmon Leon  1,676  3
10/29/2009 01:10 AM 2452 views
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I had been accepted for a job at the local haunted house [read Part 1 here]. But now came the scariest part of all: meeting my co-workers.
HAUNTED HOUSE TRAINING ... OF TERROR!
An evening is set aside for haunted house training. I wonder what my haunted house co-workers will be like? Will they have teeth? Are they like carny folk? Will someone bring a banjo?
Don't get me wrong; I like haunted houses and support the service they do in our community. When I was little, they scared the hell of me. I'd always make my mom take me inside. Once there, I'd keep my eyes tightly shut through the entire duration. So, I'm not here to expose the diseased underbelly of the haunted house community. No, I just want to test the limits of "scary."
Surprisingly, haunted house folks are primarily chubby men; all of whom, along with myself, will be earning $9 per hour for our haunted house scaring expertise.
The scariest part is the hourly wage.
No one looks "really scary," most seem to have a man-child delight for the holiday. "This is going to be fun," exclaims the adult sitting next to me, who has a midget's face, but is normal sized.
We're briefed in the graveyard room, as the one-who-is-the-leader gives us the haunted house lowdown. "Last year, someone punched the Dot-Room guy," he shares. "I won't put up with any guests harassing you."
Damn, poor Dot-Room guy. I don't know what the hell the Dot-Room guy is, but I sure don't want to be him, or punched.
"You really need to read the people when they come in," the leader continues. "Spot the best person to scare." I will indeed, utilizing both psychological and subtle methods of scaring.
We learn other important tidbits, like "Don't go outside to the Porta-Potty while in costume." Now one likes to see a headless Frankenstein going to take a dump; it breaks the "fourth wall." Also, he stresses, don't make fun of people with disabilities. And most importantly, don't touch people in the dark.
Finally, the big night arrived. Stay tuned for SHOWTIME!
Next: It's Showtime ... OF TERROR!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.0
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 8,859  6
10/29/2009 03:50 AM
Haunted Houses are awesome. I usually go to try and make the actors break character. My favorite was one where a witch asked the group if we liked snakes. I asked if she'd like to see my trouser snake. Her response, "Get the hell out of here, there are children present!" I got the evil eye the rest of the way. So I upped the ante by screaming like a little girl everytime something moderately scary came out. Best haunted house ever.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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A.C. the Sanguisuge Frankenstein 5,980 4
10/29/2009 05:46 AM
Man Cyco, you should have told her, "C'mon witch, I'm much a little bigger than any of these kids in the snake department. Pick me instead."
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0 votes
0.0
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HalloJeeni 11,018 10
10/29/2009 07:45 AM
I love haunted houses!
One of the scariest experiences I have had as an adult was a man with a running circular saw, who came out from his gruesome "operation-gone-bad scene" and punched the wall with his saw between guests.
Thankfully, there wasn't a blade inside, but the motor sound was loud, and his actual punching the wall in close proximity really freaked me out. I walked through that room at half-mast to avoid getting accidentally punched in the head.
The last haunted house I was in, someone scared me me from behind. I wrenched around to see what the Frost was going on and my spine made an awful cracking sound. I also walked around at half-mast that year, too.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre 8,859 6
10/29/2009 08:25 AM
Man Cyco, you should have told her, "C'mon witch, I'm much a little bigger than any of these kids in the snake department. Pick me instead.
I don't like making claims that I might not be able to back up.
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