Night at the Haunted Asylum, Part One: Shadow Dancing
A comedy article
by Ghostly Shell  31,319  9
10/29/2009 06:43 AM 2522 views
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Do you believe in ghosts?
Whether you are a believer or not, no one can resist a good ghost story at Halloween time. So gather around the campfire, my friends. Roast some marshmallows as I tell my frightening tale of a night spent in a haunted asylum. None for me though, thanks. They go straight to my ass.
Boo! Full-bodied apparitions!
Ever since I was a child, I have been fascinated with all things paranormal. I read lots of books and watched all of the television shows on the subject. Then about three years ago, inspired by one of those shows, I got into paranormal investigating. I bought several inexpensive pieces of equipment that are commonly used in the field, and I began to visit places that are reputed to be haunted. Yes, I have a lot of free time.
In May of 2009, I was lucky enough to get tickets to a weekend paranormal conference held at Waverly Hills Sanatorium in Louisville, Kentucky. Once a former tuberculosis hospital, it was the site of thousands of deaths. It sat empty for years, but now has been opened to paranormal investigators (i.e. freaks) like me. There are numerous accounts of shadowy figures, full bodied apparitions, and disembodied voices. It is very well known among those with an interest in the paranormal, and usually garners one of the top spots on any investigator's "must see" list. I had been wanting to go there for years.
So in mid May, I made the five hour journey to Louisville. My mom, who is also a freak, was with me. The sun was setting as we drove up the huge hill toward Waverly. When we arrived, we parked our car in the shadow of the immense building and got out. It was seriously creepy looking, even in the daylight. All around us were the hundred or so other people who had also gotten tickets. We all stood and stared at the huge, dilapidated structure for a while, wondering what the night had in store for us. Finally, as the sun dipped below the horizon, we gathered our equipment and went in.
Fellow freaks, let the haunt hunting begin!
Upon entering the building, we were divided into groups and sent to different floors. Mom and I were sent to the infamous fifth floor, where the TB patients with psychiatric issues were kept. The loony bin, if you will. My excitement grew with each step I climbed. I was ready for anything. I was finally here at Waverly and I wanted to come face to face with a ghost. Or at least this is what I kept trying to convince myself of as I climbed into the darkness and began realizing just how creepy and foreboding this place really was. The truth is, though, that I was fighting a growing temptation to grab my mommy and run away screaming like a little girl.
When we reached the fifth floor, most of the group headed left. My mom, who must have been feeling brave, suggested we head right. I agreed, not wanting her to know what a little sissy girl she had raised. Alone, we walked down a very dark hall. We explored various rooms, finding nothing except the security guy who was stationed on that floor. Though he was large and mean looking and gave us quite a scare, there was nothing paranormal about him. We walked past him and were heading down to the end of the hall. That's when it happened.
At the very end of the hall, approximately fifty feet from us, a dark figure exited the last room on the left, walked across the hall, and entered the last room on the right. A sharp intake of breath directly to my left told me that my mom had seen it too. I shook my head at her and said, "There must be someone down there investigating." The security guy, who was about ten feet behind us at this point, heard this and said, "There's nobody down there. It's one of the shadow people."
Who is that? Only The Shadow knows.
My mom and I exchanged a look. Shadow people? Whatever, buddy. We made our way to the end of the hall, fully expecting to find that it had indeed been a real flesh and blood person. We found nothing. There was nobody in the room and no place for the person to have gone. There were no stairs at this end of the hall, it was essentially a dead end. We checked a few of the other rooms, again finding nothing. Slightly spooked at this point, we started back the way we had come. After we had gone about thirty feet, I glanced back over my shoulder just in time to see a small ball of light shoot across the hallway, in the exact location that we had seen the figure.
No longer worried about looking like a sissy girl, I took my mom's arm and we hightailed if out of there. After taking a short pit stop to change my panties (extra undies are a must when hunting ghosts), we decided to catch up with the rest of our group on the fifth floor. After five minutes of fumbling in the dark, we managed to locate them. They were all in one room, sitting on the floor in a circle, flashlights turned off. In the middle of the circle sat a ghost box. This is a device that constantly scans up and down the FM frequencies. The theory is that it creates a sort of "white noise" that spirits can use to communicate. In my opinion, it is complete crap. Not wanting to miss a good show, we quietly sat down and listened as they took turns asking the box questions.
Ghost box, affectionately known as the "shack hack"
Now, this wasn't the first time that I had been to one of these events, so I was well aware of the kind of people they attracted. A lot are like me, people who are curious about ghosts but are otherwise normal. Well, okay, semi-normal. A fair number, however, are batShakespeare crazy. These are the ones who own every piece of equipment that has ever been used in the field and have all of them strategically placed on their person at all times. It is their need to carry so many instruments that leads them to wear the one thing that distinguishes them from the rest of the pack: the head lamp. It is the beacon of over-the-top, completely obsessed ghost hunters everywhere. It says, "I own so much expensive equipment that I can't possibly handle a flashlight too. I enjoy blinding anyone who dares to get within twenty feet of me. I am a serious investigator. I live in my parents' basement. I like to wear this when I'm under my Scooby Doo sheets reading after bedtime."
You've heard of the Snake Light? Meet the Douche-Light.
I had learned early on to keep my distance from these individuals, not only out of desire to avoid searing holes in my retinas, but also because they tend to be douchebags. Big time douchebags. To them, every little noise or light is something paranormal. The smallest shuffling sound becomes a sign from the restless dead, and the sound of someone farting is the devil himself. Now, as much as I really do believe in ghosts and am interested in gathering evidence, I have also found that it is just plain fun to mess with them. And that's just what I was getting ready to do.
Next: Continue on to part two ... if you dare. MWAHAAAHAAA!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
17 votes
4.4
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Ghostly Shell 31,319  9
10/29/2009 06:56 AM
"must see"f'+e(tm)fes...f',fes, list.
Double damn! I missed one. Cut and paste formatting thingies. My OCD is in overdrive. Definitely in overdrive.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Night of the Living Ravos 34,222 10
10/29/2009 03:52 PM
I think it was a ghost that stole your words there.
The ghost of hargave....OoOoooooOOoooo!
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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KChiki #668 - Neighbor of the Beast 50,402 11
10/29/2009 04:27 PM
Awesome, Shell!
Umm, so does that mean I shouldn't get the head-lamp I've had my eye on? Dammit!
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Night of the Living Ravos 34,222 10
10/29/2009 11:42 PM
You could be like some kind of super heroine. Your super power is to blind villains with your headlamp of justice.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Night of the Living Ravos 34,222 10
10/29/2009 11:43 PM
Blinded By the Light Lyrics Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Night of the Living Ravos 34,222 10
10/29/2009 11:44 PM
Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night
This is what I mean, if I hadn't failed miserably. The ghost added the extra words in there, I swears!
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Funny
6 votes
3.8
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Brad Poynter 7,153 7
10/30/2009 12:27 AM
Here is something to try on your next ghost hunt.
You know how on the shows they are always trying to provoke a response from a ghost? Well I know EXACTLY what would provoke a spirit to respond: Boobies.
I mean think about it. These are dead guys who's only entertainment comes from screwing with the living. In places that give tours for paranormal research, even that has probably lost its appeal. Flashing the baby feeders is a guaranteed way to get the attention of any man, and I suspect that transcends even death.
So give that a shot and take a picture when the spirit feels you up. I am sure we would all be willing to help examine your evidence.
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
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Disco Poltergeist 2,237 5
10/30/2009 12:34 AM
the sound of someone farting is the devil himself
After a meal including brussels sprouts or cabbage I usually smell sulfer and brimstone.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Pubah, The Brain that Wouldn't Die 47,449 11 Can't wait for part II
10/30/2009 12:48 AM
Did you put tinfoil on your head so they can't read your brain?
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
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Bride of Frankenfurter 168,208 11
10/30/2009 03:31 AM
OH OH! I use to live by Waverly Hills Sanatorium!!!
The more you know!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Pubah, The Brain that Wouldn't Die 47,449 11
10/30/2009 05:25 AM
Tell me about these shadow people. Do they eat your brains?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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A.C. the Sanguisuge Frankenstein 5,980 4
10/30/2009 05:48 AM
Tell me about these shadow people. Do they eat your brains?
He's got a point. What is a shigger shadow people Shado-American American of shadow descent? Are they like poltergeist or more akin to a shade?
Please be succubi.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.8
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Night of the Living Ravos 34,222 10
10/30/2009 04:16 PM
Shell, since ghosts are dead, and thus I assume they can see dead things, maybe they can help reunite you with your long-lost uterus!
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Trae - With No Make Up On, BOO! 156,239 10
10/30/2009 04:36 PM
Most Excellent Ghost Story!
The shadow person photo isn't real though, is it???
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Bill the Zombie Squirrel 25,487 8
10/30/2009 05:01 PM
I was going to make a dead uterus joke, but Ravos beat me to it.
Nice part one Shell.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Ghostly Shell 31,319 9
10/30/2009 05:07 PM
The shadow person photo isn't real though, is it???
That's under serious debate. That photo was taken at Moundsville Prison in West Virginia (not by me).
Not having been there to see it with my own eyes, I guess I'm inclined to think that it is the shadow of a real person. Maybe not.
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0 votes
0.0
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Night of the Living Ravos 34,222 10
10/30/2009 05:23 PM
When can I look forward to part 2?
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0 votes
0.0
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Night of the Living Ravos 34,222 10
10/30/2009 05:26 PM
Does it have a happy ending?
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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A.C. the Sanguisuge Frankenstein 5,980 4
10/30/2009 05:30 PM
If you run into some meddling kids, you should totally try to buy some pot of the moron and the dog.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Night of the Living Ravos 34,222 10
10/30/2009 05:33 PM
They use a slang term for it, known as "Scooby Snacks"
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0 votes
0.0
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Pubah, The Brain that Wouldn't Die 47,449 11
10/31/2009 01:43 AM
You'll find a way to settle they're souls so they can "follow the light" to a better place...
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Chit 163,830 10
10/31/2009 04:43 AM
I'm pretty sure that I could convince you that the devil farted.
Awesome story. Well worth the trip back here.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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The Aristocrat 182 2
11/01/2009 05:03 AM
I could pretend that I'm really interested in reading part two, but in truth, I heard that there'll be boobs in the next one, so.... *bump*.
Seriously though - did you ever see that reality show "Fear", on MTV? I think some of it was set up by the producers, but they sent teams of Gen-X jackasses to all these haunted locations and scared the Shakespeare out of them. (MTV's Fear)
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Pubah Is Thankful 47,449 11
11/01/2009 03:03 PM
Then she...
Held up a finger
it was rigid and siff.
That's when the devil he farted
and she went right over the cliff.
Excert from "Titties n Beer"
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