I'm trapped inside a box at a haunted house in Georgia, dressed as an evil clown. My assignment: to scare people in as many unusual ways as possible [read Part 1 here].
"Just clowning around ... WITH EVIL!"
SCARY ATTEMPT #1: THE "WAY OVER THE TOP" APPROACH
I can tell when a new group is coming, when the strobe light goes on in the Scream Theater, which is filled with various dummies in Scream costumes situated in theater seats.
"You go first!"
"I'm not going first, you go first."
The Scream girl, sitting in the last theater seat, lunges out at the group.
"I didn't expect that at all!"
After hearing the screams, I know it's time to cue the Jack-In-The-Box. A group enters. I storm out of my clown box.
"AAAAAAAARGH!"
I'm face-to-face with a bunch of bemused adults, staring at me, smiling, waiting for me to do a lot more, or perhaps scare them. After the initial shock, you got filler until they leave the room. I'm given a look like Yeah, yeah, you're a big scary clown ... so what else can you do?
So I go mental. I take my knife and start maniacally stabbing the long, dangling arms of the fake clown and various other parts of the set, arms flying, knocking things over, doing something that resembles Riverdancing. No go. They lethargically saunter to the next room.
SCARY SCALE 1-10: 3. I need to turn up my scary knob to 11.
SCARY ATTEMPT #2: THE "HIP-HOP APPROACH"
The best people to scare are groups of teenage girls, because everything to them is soooooooo much more dramatic! They walk clutched together.
"I hate clowns!"
"I'm not going in there! I'm not going in there!"
"Oh my God! Oh my God!"
I decide I will tell these teenage girls exactly who I am and give my mission statement. They creep along the rail. I burst from my box.
"I'M A BIG SCARY CLOWN!" I shout "LOOK AT ME -- DOING SCARY THINGS!"
As expected, the teenage girls scream. Adding to the recipe-of-fright, I throw in some breakdancing maneuvers, spinning on the floor, concluding by dancing "The Robot" (complete with scary robotic noises). "BEEP-BOP-BOOP!" I yell.
I throw in a frightening, "GO '9ERS!" then conclude with more robot noises. "BEEP-BOP-BOOP!"
The clutching teenage girls run, screaming, from my clown room of terror.
"I hate clowns!"
"I'm never going in there again!"
Success! There's nothing like screaming teenage girls. I think a kitten and a bag of cookies would've scared them, but regardless, a scare is a scare!
SCARY SCALE 1-10: 8. Clown breakdancing has proved an effective weapon on the war against non-scaredness.
SCARY ATTEMPT #3: THE "SUBTLE APPROACH"
Being a scary clown is lonely. I'm lonely between groups; standing alone in my clown box, reflecting on moments of my life up until this point. But the moment is short-lived as the haunted house rush begins. Groups of people keep coming, one right after the other.
It's tough when this guy is your only friend.
The worst patrons are groups of guys. They don't want to seem like big scared pussies, so they all have an attitude. I decide to make a fright adjustment and scare them on a different level.
A group of guys with baseball caps enter my domain.
"This place is trippy!"
They stand around waiting for something to happen. I hold off, letting anticipation build. Finally, I gently open my box a mere crack, slightly sticking out my head. I use the effected accent of a Southern dandy.
"Booo!" I say softly, clearing my throat first, letting out a singsong voice. "Booo! I'm scary."
The group of guys look confused. I gently put my head back in the box and softly close the door.
A dad and son combo is hot on their tail.
"You go first!"
"I'm not going first, you go first."
I dramatically switch gears. This time when my box opens, I make it look like they caught me off-guard. My clown mask is pulled up and I'm talking on my cellphone. They stand there, waiting for something to happen. I keep talking, scratching myself with my fake knife. They're not sure if this is scary or not. When I finally look over, I act surprised. Quickly, I close the door of my clown box so I can finish my phone call in private.
SCARY SCALE 1-10: 5. As it turned out, I was just as scared of them as they were of me!
SCARY ATTEMPT #4: THE "BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL" APPROACH
I've developed a weird sense of job commitment. As far as acting jobs go, this one has the least chance of being "discovered" and getting a big showbiz break.
Witnessing my last haunting attempt, the second-in-command critiques my scaring ability.
"When you jump out of the box, come all the way up to the rail," he says and demonstrates.
"Is my energy good?" I ask from a method-acting point of view. "Do you think I'm using a strong enough motivation?" I inquire, using acting terms.
He gives me the A-OK in that department. Thus it's time to expand my portrayal of "the scary clown," and give him a little more theatrical depth.
I decide to verbalize exactly who I am and why they should be scared. Adding to my character's movements, I abruptly come out of my box really low, like a duck waddling in fast motion. My knife is extended way over my head.
"I'M THE MOST FRIGHTENING THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN! I'M STEVEN THE SCARY CLOWN. I LIKE DOING MATH PROBLEMS!"
I'm face-to-face with mom who's brought in her way-too-young child. The small, petrified child clutches to her with the look of pure, unhappy terror.
"Mommy, help me!" shrills the poor small child.
"I LEFT THE IRON ON IN MY HOUSE! REMEMBER I'M STEVEN THE SCARY CLOWN!"
For added effect, I rapidly pull my clown mask on-and-off, revealing my real face. "AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAH!"
"Mommy!"
But do they applaud my thespian merits? No. Instead, the mom and her small child make a beeline for the emergency exit. The small child is scared Shakespeareless; apparently, the mention of math problems is very frightening.
SCARY SCALE 1-10: 11. I'm the king when it comes to scaring small children dragged into haunted houses by their parents. I've scarred this child for life! Little do they realize, technically, what I've done here is broken the "imaginary fourth wall" in a display of Beckettian Absurdist Theater.
SCARY ATTEMPT #5: THE "I'M BORED" APPROACH
The main haunted house rush is over. The evening suddenly becomes very monotonous. My haunted co-workers keep checking their watches to see when we can leave.
"When do we get out of here?" asks the Dot-Room guy. Bored haunted house workers mill about in the darkness, trying to kill time. The Scream Girl is starting to get on my nerves, the heartbeats and creepy laughter somehow seems louder.
"You can take a ten minute break," the-one-who-is-the-leader informs me.
"That's OK, I'll just stay in my box," I reply, tightly closing the door to my clown box.
Moments later, someone screams, "Couple people coming!" Everyone frantically goes back to their perspective scary rooms.
A group of old people enter.
"I LIKE THE TV SHOW FRIENDS! CHANDLER IS MY FAVORITE! WOOOO!"
They are virtually unimpressed, but take a wrong turn and try and go through the door to the backstage area. I have to tell them to go the other way while staying in character.
"DON'T GO THROUGH THAT DOOR, IT'S FOR EMPLOYEES ONLY! WOOOO!"
I have to repeat myself twice. They're followed by a young high school couple gripping onto each other like tropical panda monkeys.
"NO ONE LIKES ME! I WEAR WOMENS' CLOTHES. WOOOO!"
During mid-scare, a group of teenage girls from before, have taken the opportunity to walk backwards through the haunted house. This time they heckle me.
"Can I hold you knife?"
"Veeeery scary."
"I'M LAUGHING ON THE OUTSIDE, CRYING ON THE INSIDE."
When my room clears, I leave my post and wander around the haunted house like a senile old uncle, passing customers in the hallway. "Hi there."
I try to sneak up and scare my haunted house co-workers, who just seem annoyed.
Then I make my way to the graveyard room and hang out. I find the old people who were just in my clown room.
"Hi, you saw me earlier," I say nonchalantly.
Bored, I take off my scary clown outfit, open my clown box and leave it hanging like I suddenly vaporized. I slip out the back. Yes, clown time is over. WOOOOOO!
Harmon Leon is an American journalist and humorist, and the author of five books, including The American Dream. Follow his infiltration exploits at Freedomhaters.org.
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