With my testing materials in place from Part 1 of The Best (Improvised) Alternatives to Toilet Paper, it was time to get down to business.
I decided to rate not only on the effectiveness of removal, but also the danger factor of winding up with a handful of your dinner. After all, if you're going to have to hop in the shower afterward, why not just do that at the beginning?
I piled on our frosting/corn concoction to best simulate an epic bowel movement after a night of eating salsa and drinking Guinness. One of those poops where you feel like you have a brown crayon sticking out of your butt because no matter how often you wipe there's still some there.
"This is disgusting," Kat grimaced. "I've never known anyone to have this much poop on their butt."
"You ask people about it?"
"Well, no, but it's physically impossible!"
I added another scoop to my belly button. "I've had this much poop on my butt before."
"Oh my God, I wish I had known that before I married you."
With that out of the way, I began with the types of things you'd find in an average American bathroom:
The Toilet Paper Tube
It only makes sense, right? You're literally reaching there already, so why not give it a shot? Sure, cardboard might not be the most flushable substance known to man, but to hell with that noise, you need a wipe!
The results? Well, it did work, sort of. It definitely keeps your hands out of the line of fire. A lot of the excess was removed, but if you're content to walk away from the field of battle with this much hanging on, you're not going to be very popular at parties. Or church. Or outside. I went with my usual 1-10 scale (1 being the worst ever and 10 being perfection) to begin the ratings:
Effectiveness: 4/10
Finger Safety: 10/10
Q-Tips
Okay, so you're not going to cover a lot of surface area, and you might burn through a month's supply of ear cleanings for one solid wipe, but sacrifices have to be made in a situation like this. Plus, with hand-protecting length and a small cotton head to duck in and out of crevices, you can get downright detailed with your cleanup here!
Sadly, these guys were overwhelmed by my Chococorn Frosting monstrosity. They also penetrated my belly button and made me dip my hands into a chocolaty pit of nasty; that's mildly inconvenient when it's chocolate on your belly. It's a soul-killing travesty when it's the real deal.
Effectiveness: 5/10
Finger Safety: 5/10
Maxi Pads
Most bathrooms have these, but mine actually doesn't usually. My wife uses (and highly recommends) The Diva Cup, so I had to go buy some pads first.
"Oh my God," Kat groaned, "those are the biggest Frost-ing pads I've ever seen. Those are Maxed Out maxis. So when you're stocking up on menstrual protection, go for the granny panty pads rated for heavy days. You never know when you might have to put 'em on backwards."
Or maybe don't bother. While the pad stuck nicely to my stomach as it clung to the faux-poo, it didn't prove super absorbent at all when it came to feces. While the pad was just slightly smaller than a parachute, it still wound up deflecting a lot of frosting up and around my hands, which made me feel a little endangered.
Effectiveness: 3/10
Finger Safety: 7/10
Floss
Okay, supposing you're just completely out of options it's time to go MacGyver here. I know what you may be thinking, but I'm not going to try and garat my dingleberries like I've got a piano wire; I'm going for the wad approach. It's a gamble, but I'm hoping that by balling up enough floss, I can create a pad to clear a path.
Okay, not so much. The floss backfired horribly, and if you're going to try this you might as well just wipe with the hand you hate the most. Or the one you're stirring the soup with later.
While it was a complete and utter fail in keeping my hands poop-free, the floss did actually clear a decent path across my mud-patch. So if you're the type of person who's not afraid to get your hands dirty, you might try floss. Just be sure to wash your hands after.
Effectiveness: 7/10
Finger Safety: 0/10
Your Comb
Sometimes you've got to ask a friend to take one for the team, and when you've got some dinner party guests waiting for you to return to the table, and an ass full of reprocessed batter, you can count on your comb to fall on that Shakespearety grenade for you. Or, if you're at a friend's house, you can just say "Frost this friendship" and use their comb. DON'T GO HAIRBRUSH. A comb can be disposed of without many people noticing. A hairbrush is significant enough that someone's going to come looking for it eventually.
You're not going to get much in terms of removal, but you do get big time style points for the ability to shape and part Shakespeare on your ass. Another bonus: if you've got a particularly hirsute set of buns you can craft a gnarly turd Mohawk:
The downside, apart from the Shakespeare cornrows you're now sporting on your rear, is that you're never going to use that Frost-ing comb again, unless you're come kind of greaser from hell starring in the worst version of The Outsiders ever.
Effectiveness: 3/10
Finger Safety: 3/10
Your Tube of Toothpaste
If you get to this point, you've given up any pretense of civility and you're in survival mode. This is strictly to get a job done and there's no attempt at hiding what will probably be the most disgusting thing you've ever done in your life. On the other hand, that rigid plastic crease at the end of the tube should make an excellent doo-doo scraper.
Much like the toilet paper tube, this guy's great at moving B.M. in bulk, but the finer details get glossed over quite a bit. Plus, you've got pointy corners edging dangerously close to your tenderest of tender spots. If you're looking to spackle the house of Bob Vila's nightmares, this could do the trick. As a turd removal system, it leaves a little to be desired.
Effectiveness: 4/10
Finger Safety: 9/10
Your best bet in a bathroom devoid of toilet paper? The empty toilet paper tube! Sometimes the simplest answer really is the best.
But what if, God forbid, you've got none of the above at your (waste) disposal? Then you have to get creative and venture outside the bathroom and explore.
Next: The Tests Get Worse!
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