Crappy Consumer Reports: Best Alternatives to Toilet Paper III
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  43,809  9
11/02/2009 11:56 PM 2494 views
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In Part 1 and Part 2 of The Best (Improvised) Alternatives to Toilet Paper, I explored the alternatives to TP available in most bathrooms, should you suddenly run out. Now we're getting into the expert levels.
However, sometimes there's just nothing you can use in a bathroom. And unless you want the shower curtain to be your silent accuser, you'll need to explore outside the bathroom.
Now, obviously these advanced tactics aren't going to work if you've got a house full of guests for your child's birthday party or Thanksgiving. But if you're on your own (i.e. lonely) and know no shame, you can be pretty resourceful.
Coffee Filters
Hey, it makes sense, right? They're paper products, so they're already a half step away from Shakespeare removal anyway. And with their bowled shape they automatically lend themselves to holding mass quantities of poo. Be sure you triple or quadruple up, though. These guys are flimsy on their own, and if you go single-ply you're going to wind up heartbroken. Once you've filled these up they can double as handy neighborhood bombs to hurl from your car later.
Overall, they're reasonably effective and make me wonder if maybe they're made in the same factory as your Charmin. They don't quite have enough substance to them to really cut through.
Effectiveness: 7/10
Finger Safety: 7/10
Cheese
Okay, hear me out. You've got absolutely no paper products in your house and you're standing in your kitchen with full-on mud butt. Naturally you're going to drift to the fridge, and really when you get the pre-packaged slices cheese just makes sense. As a bonus, I hear dairy is great for squelching the burn of chili peppers and hot sauce, so if you're reliving last night's Thai Curry cookoff, this could bring a natural relief.
DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON! The cheese was way too flimsy. It immediately broke under the weight of my chocolate turds and my fingers pushed right through. In addition, the non-porous face of the cheese did little more than push my frosting poo around.
This is an absolute disaster in real world application; after all, anyone can just shovel their own doo with their hand. You're trying to maintain some semblance of humanity, here.
Effectiveness: 2/10
Finger Safety: -5/10
Bread
Once you've raided the fridge, all bets are off. And with cheese failing so epically, I needed to find something with a little absorbance. I figured the softness of bread would make it the quicker pooper picker upper. Also, I went with whole wheat to increase my fiber intake. In reverse.
The bread not only failed to move much dookie, it added to the pile by leaving crumb dingleberries in my fudge frosting. If I wanted this kind of treatment I'd keep some Charmin Ultra around. I did, however, have a unique opportunity to try one of those sandwiches everyone is always encouraging me to eat.
Effectiveness: 3/10
Finger Safety: 4/10
Crackers
Well, it rhymes with Ritz, so why not go all hors d'oeuvres on your brown batter? These guys bring small size for easy maneuverability, ridges for digging out crevices, and a round shape for shoveling through some serious dirt. And by "dirt" I mean Shakespeare." There's also the delicious buttery taste, although that probably shouldn't factor in at all once you've used them to wipe your ass.
Meh. The crackers held up better than bread or cheese, but that's not saying much. And I still couldn't find an adequate answer to the residue issue.
I did, however, find a new use for Ritz to mention on their box, and a reason to call the marketing department later. The small size ended up backfiring though, as these guys couldn't keep my own filth off my fingers.
Effectiveness: 5/10
Finger Safety: 3/10
Potato Chips
Okay, so maybe you're not the type who keeps party favor crackers around. You've probably got a half-eaten bag of potato chips lying around though, and in a (loaf) pinch you can put that dip-scooping structure to the ultimate test. I went with Barbeque flavor because honestly, you're smelling bad enough back there without piling on some Sour Cream and Onion.
The grease-saturated chip immediately cracked and fell apart under the pressure. The small, awkward size meant that I was once again knuckle deep in my own mud pie. Also, my scoop came out with a piece of corn perfectly positioned atop the chip.
It was practically daring me to partake. The smoky flavor of the bbq did pair nicely with the chocolate frosting and sweet corn.
Effectiveness: 3/10
Finger Safety: 1/10
Your Own Glassware
This was an absolute last-ditch effort and something I would suggest only under extreme duress in cases where absolutely nothing is available to you for butt-wiping. Seriously. I would recommend a pine cone before your own drinking glasses, because you're not going to reuse the pine cone.
Holy Shakespeare, we might have a winner! The hard edge of the glass allowed me to plow right through my chocolate funk and left my simulated buns pipe almost completely doo-doo free!
Even better, the glass gave my hands plenty of room to avoid poo, and left them virtually unstained by my own feces. What a concept!
Effectiveness: 9/10
Finger Safety: 10/10
Final Results
Worst improvised toilet paper: CHEESE
Best improvised toilet paper: GLASSWARE
Who would've thought the best ass-wiping device resides in your kitchen cabinet? I say screw the TP altogether. Start a new trend and enjoy the cool, sleek touch of glass!
Just, for the love of God, don't drink out of that.
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.6
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
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Lord Blackadder 313  1
11/02/2009 11:59 PM
What about using household pets? I'm sure kittens are soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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John Hargrave 116,629 19
11/03/2009 12:12 AM
I laughed so hard at this article I have tears in my eyes.
Now I'm frightened to wipe them away with my fingers. I may have to chop them all off.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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UnderCooked 72,859 16
11/03/2009 12:42 AM
Hey now, there's nothing wrong with a little sour cream and onion.
Okay, I just threw up a lot in my mouth.
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Funny
8 votes
3.4
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peoriagrace 5,962 9
11/03/2009 12:52 AM
You left out the shirt from the floor.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Bean 4,408 13
11/03/2009 01:12 AM
Apparently he left out the "if you're a nudist" part.
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Funny
8 votes
3.9
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A.C. with built in Horn of Plenty 5,980 4 snickers.
11/03/2009 01:17 AM
Pssst....
He doesn't know what the three seashells are for!
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Yuoaman 98 1
11/03/2009 01:50 AM
What about the miscellaneous fabrics around the bathroom? Such as cloths/towels/the occasional shirt?
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Shell Belle 31,398 9
11/03/2009 02:53 AM
Someone has a birthday coming up. Make sure you add toilet paper to your wish list.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Pants 12,163 13
11/03/2009 03:45 AM
Hell, if you aren't wearing shorts then use a sock or two.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.0
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Warm Chance Buns. 168,253 11
11/03/2009 03:46 AM
Oh my you are one sick sick man. I love it. My question is DONT YOU HAVE A Frost-ing SHOWER? Pig.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Day of the Dead Jeeni 11,037 10
11/03/2009 04:04 AM
Loved the series, man. I hoard toilet paper to avoid this kind of situation. My husband can't believe that I get nervous about running out of TP when we're down to the last two 20 packs.
I was pleasantly surprised to see your first test was with the TP roll. While visiting my younger sister, I had to use the roll - but it was only for pee - and it was more of a squeegee than absorbent, (as you well know).
By the way, I immediately laughed at the word "dingleberries" and continued laughing when I read that others feel the same about Charmin Ultra.
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Brad Poynter 7,195 7
11/03/2009 04:17 AM
Incredible work!
I will never be able to think of chocolate frosting in my belly button the same way again.
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Funny
6 votes
3.7
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Randall Cleveland 43,809 9
11/03/2009 04:32 AM
If you're going to use your own shirt, you probably don't give a damn about removing Shakespeare from your ass in the first place.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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peoriagrace 5,962 9
11/03/2009 07:41 AM
I didn't say it would be my shirt; it was silky and nice though.
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Side-splitting
4 votes
5.0
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Randall Cleveland 43,809 9
11/03/2009 08:55 AM
So it's Dinesh's shirt?
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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KChicken Gravy & Mashed 'Tatoes! 50,447 11
11/03/2009 06:00 PM
What is PG doing at Dinesh's house? Or VICE VERSA??
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 5,962 9
11/08/2009 10:10 AM
Dinesh wears silky shirts?
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0 votes
0.0
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Pants 12,163 13
11/09/2009 04:23 PM
Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.
Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.
Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.
Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.
Poop.
Poop.
Poop.
Poop.
Poop.
Poop. Poop.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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A.C. with built in Horn of Plenty 5,980 4
11/09/2009 04:35 PM
Look at all that poop that just spilled out from those Pants.
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 5,962 9
11/10/2009 01:13 AM
Hi ya poopy Pants!
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0 votes
0.0
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the fun in disfunctional 807 4
11/10/2009 11:33 PM
Great article! I've never read or heard of so many euphemisms for poop. And it's garrote...Don't piss off the Italians.
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0 votes
0.0
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A.C. with built in Horn of Plenty 5,980 4
11/11/2009 12:04 AM
Don't piss off the Italians.
Dude, the Italians are way too greasy to stand on and pee off of. Everyone knows you're supposed to piss on them from the ground or an upper story window.
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