Cameron: PART I
A comedy article
by Bayan Rabbani  1,649  3
11/06/2009 06:54 PM 415 views
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In a sick, twisted way, I rather enjoy the feeling of starting a new relationship quickly after ending a previous one. Ie(tm)m not certain if ite(tm)s the rebound effect (it definitely is), or perahaps the excitement behind the possibility of getting to know someone who is potentially better than your ex. Either way, ite(tm)s a joyous occasion for yours trulye most of the time.
A few weeks ago, I started seeing a new girl e" Cameron, and up until the other night, I was thrilled with the situation. Nothing too serious, not really committed, but we got along great and enjoyed taking it slow.
Last night (around 11pm), as I was getting ready to go to bed, my phone went off with a buzz and I was pleased to see Cameron calling (I assumed to say good night).
The following was my phone conversation:
Me: Hey Cam.
Cameron: Hey, Ie(tm)m really sorry. Oh Shakespeare, hang on. My mom wants to talk to you.
Me: Wait, what?
*(in the background) Be nice. Ok, I will. No, Ie(tm)m serious, I like this one. I done(tm)t care; I have questions, now give me the phone! Ughm Mom! Chill out Cameron, ite(tm)s gonna be ok.*
Unfamiliar Voice: Hello?
Me: Ume hello?
Unfamiliar Voice: This is Camerone(tm)s mom, Jane.
Me: Oh, hello. Is everything alright?
Jane: Yes, yes. So, I hope you done(tm)t mind, but Cameron has been telling me you two have been dating for several weeks exclusively and as her mother, I have some questions for you.
Me: *somewhat startled* Oh, um, sure.
Jane: What do you do?
Me: Ie(tm)m in school right now.
Jane: Yea, Cameron told me that. I mean, what do you do?
Me: Huh? Like for fun?
Jane: Sure.
Me: I guess Ie(tm)m into writing, watching college football, cooking, I done(tm)t know, a bunch of things.
Jane: What do you cook?
Me: *trying to be funny* I make a mean bowl of cereal.
Jane: Ohhhe clever and original.
Me: *somber* Sorry.
Jane: Mhmm. Are you a good guy?
Me: I like to think so.
Jane: Do you have close friends?
Me: A few really close ones, yea.
Jane: What kinds of things do you text my daughter?
Me: Huh? Um, normal stuff.
Jane: Nothing provocative?
Me: What? No.
Jane: Have you been in love before?
Me: Uhe sorry, thate(tm)s a little personal.
Jane: Are you a virgin?
Me: Thate(tm)s even more personal.
Jane: Not really.
Me: For me it is.
Jane: *starts singing* e~What love got to do, got to do with it?e(tm) Haha! Am I right?
Me: *dumbfounded* I guess everyone has their own preferences.
*awkward silence for about 10 seconds*
Jane: So what do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Ie(tm)ve wanted to go to medical school since I was a kid, so Ie(tm)m pursuing that path right now.
Jane: What kind of doctor?
Me: Maybe surgery of some kind. I have a lot of time before I have to decide.
Jane: Not a gynecologist? *chuckling* Youe(tm)re not a pervert?
Me: Ume no.
Jane: Is your family close?
Me: Like sardines.
Jane: Well you seem like a nice enough guy, and sorry if I came off a little bit strong. Cameron is my only child and Ie(tm)m somewhat overprotective.
Me: Ite(tm)s cool, I understand.
Jane: I want to invite you over for dinner to get to know more about you.
Me: Oh, ok that sounds good.
Jane: I was thinking the same thing. Let me get Cameron, hang on.
Me: Alright, it was nice speaking with you.
*about a minute later*
Jane: Hey, ite(tm)s me again. I think Cameron is going poopoo, Ie(tm)ll have her call you back.
Me: *shocked* Ume yea, I probably didne(tm)t need to know that.
Jane: Nah, ite(tm)s ok.
Me: Alright, well, have a good night.
Jane: You too hunny bunny! I look forward to seeing you soon!
After we got off the phone, I re-evaluated the conversation I just had with Camerone(tm)s mother and realized that I shouldne(tm)t have had a conversation like that with someonee(tm)s mother after dating for only a few weeks. That was too serious, too soon. I didne(tm)t think Cameron felt so strongly about me to tell her mother about me already.
Nevertheless, a part of me (actually, all of me) is considering going over for dinner solely for the purpose of seeing if this woman is merely overprotective, or completely insane to the point of needing to be institutionalized.
Ie(tm)m supposed to be having dinner at their home next weekend.
I'll post PART II soon.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
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A hunk o' burning Ravos 34,222  10
11/06/2009 07:00 PM
I think the solution to your problem is to stop dating 12 year olds. After that age, parents get in the way a lot less.
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Funny
4 votes
3.7
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Warm Chance Buns. 168,208 11
11/06/2009 07:46 PM
new girl e"Cameron, and up until the other night
Is she related to iCarly?
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Funny
4 votes
3.3
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Brad Poynter 7,153 7
11/06/2009 08:23 PM
Keep in mind that after you meet her the whole "I didn't know she was your mom!" excuse isn't going to fly.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Dogs Akimbo 158,674 11 will not be making the 2 Girls 1 Cup reference, but has no problem putting it into Bayan's head
11/06/2009 08:58 PM
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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cakes and ale 2,137 4
11/07/2009 01:52 AM
I think Cameron is going poopoo
1. My niece is 3 1/2 and she is almost too old for me to refer to her as "going poopoo" (Although, she does have trouble with reaching around and will still yell out, "Auntie Cakes, come wipe my bum!")
2. Jane is crazy. Make sure that you bring along a voice activated tape recorder when you go to dinner. I want to hear every word.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Bean 4,405 12
11/07/2009 02:29 AM
She simply told you that Cameron was going poo poo because she wanted to make sure you are mature enough not to want to bail when she revealed to you that her daughter, does indeed, pinch a loaf when needed. Saying you didn't need to know that is probably not the most mom friendly response. Moms get pooped on, peed on, puked on, and snotted on regularly. You probably should have asked how long she has been potty trained and then clapped when you heard she had accomplished the deed.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Pants 12,163 13
11/07/2009 04:55 AM
Jane: You too hunny bunny! I look forward to seeing you soon!
It sounds to me like you're going to be raped by the mother and daughter repeatedly until your junk falls off and then they'll cook you and eat you for dinner.
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0 votes
0.0
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TopHatSnake 500 5
11/11/2009 10:28 AM
context is really an issue here, the age of this girl is a key part of giving the readers a sense of just how freaky this mom is. up to, say about 16, questions like that are [strike]within the realm[strike] approaching the same galaxy of normalcy, past that, this woman is batShakespeare controlly, and the only reason to pursue the relationship is to see just how far you can get mom to freak. extra clickies are in your future if you can get anything with the word "restraint" enacted against you
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Bill the Squ--, Uhmm, Turkey 25,487 8
11/11/2009 10:37 AM
Even more clickies if you figure out how to edit your Shakespeare!
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0 votes
0.0
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Dead Jeeni 11,018 10
11/11/2009 08:58 PM
I'm sure you'll charm her mother at dinner & she'll be planning Cam's wedding by the time dessert rolls around.
I'm looking forward to Part III: The Wedding
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