I'm thinking about getting a wife, but I would 1. have to feed and water it every day (I'm forgetful)... and 2. take it for long walks on the beach... and 3. have sex with its vagina. (shudder)

Instead, I'm getting a pet cockroach!

could've done that
should've done that
would've done that

I went to college for graphic design & got a job as a designer.
I always get bored doing the same job so I'm constantly trying out new things.
When I gave my notice, my favorite boss gave me a pet Madagascar hissing cockroach.

I came home from work.
I logged onto my computer.
I pressed F5 all night.

As a child, I thought I knew everything.
As a teen, I knew I knew everything.
As an adult, I forget everything.. wait, how does this saying end?

"I don't understand what she's trying to say."
"I don't understand what she's trying to say."
"I don't understand what she's trying to say."

You see this cat Shemp is a bad mother- Shut your mouth.
But I'm talkin' about Shemp.
Then we can dig it.

Baa Baa Black Sheep, have you any wool?
Yes Sir, yes sir, my underwear is full
and it's creeping out from under my shorts.
What a mess.

I was born a poor black child.
I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
My brother likes to stick his arm up other boys' bums.

Thank God I'm not Whistler.
Or his brother.
I wear skirts.

Taxes are for suckers.
IRS took my damn money.
Now I live in a box.

I hate most things.
I'm way, way too young to be this disenchanted/bitter about everything already.
I paid way too much for my nice liberal arts education.

Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes and he went down, but to my surprise, he come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear.






I don't think I'm doing this right...

Pale and flabby.
Tanned and flabby.
Pale, hairy and flabby.

There's retards at work.
Also there's idiots at home.
My life's a haiku.

Grew up.
Got drunk.
Released last year on parole.

I can pretty much summarise my life in one sentence.

Should have stayed AWOL

I came.
I saw.
I shat.

I am, therefore I do
I do, therefore I am
do be, do be, do

I insulted Joey Fatone.
I caught on fire.
I didn't get a gift bag.

Ok, I'm a liar. That was just one night

Looks up at missing punctuation and won't be able to sleep tonight.

Grew up a sheltered child.
Moved out, partied a lot, survived.
Now I watch "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy", then fall asleep at 9pm.

I dreamed.
I woke up.
I went back to sleep.

I missed the bus.
I missed the bus.
I missed the bus, and it was something that I'll never ever ever do again.