Pramable Lectern 53,126 9
11/07/2009 09:42 PM

I'm thinking about getting a wife, but I would 1. have to feed and water it every day (I'm forgetful)... and 2. take it for long walks on the beach... and 3. have sex with its vagina. (shudder)

Instead, I'm getting a pet cockroach!

Analog 2,801 6
11/07/2009 10:47 PM

could've done that
should've done that
would've done that

Dead Jeeni 11,002 10
11/08/2009 08:05 AM

I went to college for graphic design & got a job as a designer.
I always get bored doing the same job so I'm constantly trying out new things.
When I gave my notice, my favorite boss gave me a pet Madagascar hissing cockroach.

A Marinating Sash 1,336 5
11/08/2009 08:10 AM

I came home from work.
I logged onto my computer.
I pressed F5 all night.

Dead Jeeni 11,002 10 forgot this was a comedy site.
11/08/2009 08:28 AM

As a child, I thought I knew everything.
As a teen, I knew I knew everything.
As an adult, I forget everything.. wait, how does this saying end?

Phla really hates you. 102,963 12
11/08/2009 08:42 AM

"I don't understand what she's trying to say."
"I don't understand what she's trying to say."
"I don't understand what she's trying to say."

Shemp loves Evil Guz 16,350 9
11/08/2009 09:33 AM

You see this cat Shemp is a bad mother- Shut your mouth.
But I'm talkin' about Shemp.
Then we can dig it.

hairy punkin pie gal 5,471 7
11/08/2009 01:05 PM

Baa Baa Black Sheep, have you any wool?
Yes Sir, yes sir, my underwear is full
and it's creeping out from under my shorts.
What a mess.

Whistler P. McManus 141,285 23
11/08/2009 02:13 PM

I was born a poor black child.
I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
My brother likes to stick his arm up other boys' bums.

Ghost of Chickens Past 237,972 14
11/08/2009 10:47 PM

Thank God I'm not Whistler.
Or his brother.
I wear skirts.

Piquantrax Pie and Football 907 4
11/09/2009 06:28 AM

Taxes are for suckers.
IRS took my damn money.
Now I live in a box.

Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 55,494 20
11/09/2009 07:05 AM

I hate most things.
I'm way, way too young to be this disenchanted/bitter about everything already.
I paid way too much for my nice liberal arts education.

Humphrey 51,326 10
11/09/2009 08:04 AM

Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes and he went down, but to my surprise, he come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear.






I don't think I'm doing this right...

Thud 53,078 10
11/09/2009 08:09 AM

Pale and flabby.
Tanned and flabby.
Pale, hairy and flabby.

Cyco A-Maize-ing Ivan 8,745 6
11/09/2009 10:10 AM

There's retards at work.
Also there's idiots at home.
My life's a haiku.

Reverend Davie gravy Rodriguez 2,330 0
11/09/2009 10:12 AM

Grew up.
Got drunk.
Released last year on parole.

Fartpuppy 5,034 6
11/09/2009 10:18 AM

I can pretty much summarise my life in one sentence.

Should have stayed AWOL

Pants 12,163 13
11/09/2009 03:08 PM

I came.
I saw.
I shat.

the fun in disfunctional 801 4
11/09/2009 08:12 PM

I am, therefore I do
I do, therefore I am
do be, do be, do

cakes and ale 2,137 4
11/10/2009 01:12 AM

I insulted Joey Fatone.
I caught on fire.
I didn't get a gift bag.

Ok, I'm a liar. That was just one night

cakes and ale 2,137 4
11/10/2009 01:20 AM

Looks up at missing punctuation and won't be able to sleep tonight.

KChiki's Gravy & Mashed 'Tatoes! 50,350 11
11/10/2009 01:22 AM

Grew up a sheltered child.
Moved out, partied a lot, survived.
Now I watch "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy", then fall asleep at 9pm.

Pudding Pops the Rhymnocerous 938 5
11/10/2009 01:28 AM

I dreamed.
I woke up.
I went back to sleep.

A hunk o' burning Ravos 34,028 10
11/10/2009 05:42 PM

I missed the bus.
I missed the bus.
I missed the bus, and it was something that I'll never ever ever do again.