Pramable Lectern 78,171 40
11/07/2009 11:42 AM

I'm thinking about getting a wife, but I would 1. have to feed and water it every day (I'm forgetful)... and 2. take it for long walks on the beach... and 3. have sex with its vagina. (shudder)

Instead, I'm getting a pet cockroach!

Analog 9,387 18
11/07/2009 12:47 PM

could've done that
should've done that
would've done that

Dead Jeeni 43,373 49
11/07/2009 10:05 PM

I went to college for graphic design & got a job as a designer.
I always get bored doing the same job so I'm constantly trying out new things.
When I gave my notice, my favorite boss gave me a pet Madagascar hissing cockroach.

A Marinating Sash 1,353 7
11/07/2009 10:10 PM

I came home from work.
I logged onto my computer.
I pressed F5 all night.

Dead Jeeni 43,373 49 forgot this was a comedy site.
11/07/2009 10:28 PM

As a child, I thought I knew everything.
As a teen, I knew I knew everything.
As an adult, I forget everything.. wait, how does this saying end?

Phla really hates you. 130,632 34
11/07/2009 10:42 PM

"I don't understand what she's trying to say."
"I don't understand what she's trying to say."
"I don't understand what she's trying to say."

Shemp loves Evil Guz 22,212 16
11/07/2009 11:33 PM

You see this cat Shemp is a bad mother- Shut your mouth.
But I'm talkin' about Shemp.
Then we can dig it.

hairy punkin pie gal 12,075 15
11/08/2009 03:05 AM

Baa Baa Black Sheep, have you any wool?
Yes Sir, yes sir, my underwear is full
and it's creeping out from under my shorts.
What a mess.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
11/08/2009 04:13 AM

I was born a poor black child.
I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
My brother likes to stick his arm up other boys' bums.

Ghost of Chickens Past 282,028 58
11/08/2009 12:47 PM

Thank God I'm not Whistler.
Or his brother.
I wear skirts.

Piquantrax Pie and Football 972 9
11/08/2009 08:28 PM

Taxes are for suckers.
IRS took my damn money.
Now I live in a box.

Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 61,959 36
11/08/2009 09:05 PM

I hate most things.
I'm way, way too young to be this disenchanted/bitter about everything already.
I paid way too much for my nice liberal arts education.

Humphrey 51,759 12
11/08/2009 10:04 PM

Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes and he went down, but to my surprise, he come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear.






I don't think I'm doing this right...

Thud 66,695 17
11/08/2009 10:09 PM

Pale and flabby.
Tanned and flabby.
Pale, hairy and flabby.

Cyco A-Maize-ing Ivan 11,324 11
11/09/2009 12:10 AM

There's retards at work.
Also there's idiots at home.
My life's a haiku.

Reverend Davie gravy Rodriguez 2,413 0
11/09/2009 12:12 AM

Grew up.
Got drunk.
Released last year on parole.

Fartpuppy 5,142 12
11/09/2009 12:18 AM

I can pretty much summarise my life in one sentence.

Should have stayed AWOL

Pants 14,213 17
11/09/2009 05:08 AM

I came.
I saw.
I shat.

the fun in disfunctional 1,970 6
11/09/2009 10:12 AM

I am, therefore I do
I do, therefore I am
do be, do be, do

cakes and ale 2,403 6
11/09/2009 03:12 PM

I insulted Joey Fatone.
I caught on fire.
I didn't get a gift bag.

Ok, I'm a liar. That was just one night

cakes and ale 2,403 6
11/09/2009 03:20 PM

Looks up at missing punctuation and won't be able to sleep tonight.

KChiki's Gravy & Mashed 'Tatoes! 124,276 89
11/09/2009 03:22 PM

Grew up a sheltered child.
Moved out, partied a lot, survived.
Now I watch "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy", then fall asleep at 9pm.

Pudding Pops the Rhymnocerous 1,273 9
11/09/2009 03:28 PM

I dreamed.
I woke up.
I went back to sleep.

A hunk o' burning Ravos 62,361 20
11/10/2009 07:42 AM

I missed the bus.
I missed the bus.
I missed the bus, and it was something that I'll never ever ever do again.