Crappy Consumer Reports: Weirdest Toilet Paper
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  49,000  13
11/11/2009 11:38 PM 3678 views
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In my last report, I reviewed the Best Improvised Alternatives to Toilet Paper. Maybe you're not the type who runs out of toilet paper, though -- that doesn't mean your TP has to be boring and white all the time. You could get creative with some of these options:
"CASH PAPER"
If you're just a little too flashy about status, give ol' George Washington a mud bath and go with some cold hard cash toilet paper. Really rich folk might opt for the Benjamin Franklins -- because honestly, who among the super rich is impressed by wiping their ass with a mere single?
"NOTEBOOK PAPER"
For the procrasstinating writer, the Toilet Paper on a roll offers a great way to utilize your down time. You're going to have to make a snap decision though on whether or not that new emo poem is worthy of your LiveJournal accountm, or if it's fated to be flushed.
"SUDOKU PAPER"
Now we're talkin'! Bonus points if you can fill this out on the toilet without using a pen. You might end up spending a lot more time in the Shakespeareter than you intended, but you're growing your grey matter!
"CAMO PAPER"
If you're the outdoorsy type, or maybe trying to prank your friendly neighborhood VietCong, this could be a perfect and stealthy addition to any outhouse. Although with all that olive and dappled brown I'm not sure how you're going to tell when you're done.
"HELLO KITTY PAPER"
Some things just don't need to be defiled, and Hello Kitty is one of them. It's not like I have any affinity for Hello Kitty specifically, but I can't look at this kitschy Shakespeare without thinking of the millions of (mostly Japanese) middle-school-aged girls obsessed with this stuff. Although for some, that might enhance the appeal of wiping your ass with it.
"MUSIC PAPER"
This is the only option on this list more pompous than the dollar bill roll; honestly who relaxes by reading musical score? At least give me something practical like some guitar tabs.
"CRIME SCENE PAPER"
Now we've got a little truth in advertising! Anyone walking into your bathroom and spying this will know that you are not the type of person to Frost around on the can. Now I just need a hazmat suit and a way to draw a chalk outline around my turds in the bowl, though.
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.3
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10 Comments on "Crappy Consumer Reports: Weirdest Toilet Paper"
(Funniest: xentar,Pants,Gonzo) |
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0 votes
0.0
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Dead Jeeni 43,391  49
11/12/2009 12:02 AM
Fun! Now I'm going to need to get the sudoku TP for my aunt as a gag gift.
Looking forward to your next bathroom series: Crappy Consumer Reports: Oddest Toilet Seats
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Brad Poynter 35,418 48
11/12/2009 08:37 AM
The music on that roll has 32nd notes! Must be Paganini.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Pants 14,218 17
11/12/2009 01:39 PM
For $44.98 you can get the adapter for the music sheet toilet paper embedded in your tail bone that reads and plays the notes after each wipe.
The adapter will also be compatible with Turn table toilet paper that should be coming out in the first quarter of 2010.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.0
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A hunk o' burning Ravos 62,361 20
11/12/2009 01:41 PM
I had a roll of toilet paper that had a picture of Bin Laden on it and said "Wipe out terrorism".
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Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.8
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Gonzo 20,504 16
11/12/2009 02:43 PM
I'll bet the Music on Toilet-Paper was just another Rick-Roll.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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A hunk o' burning Ravos 62,361 20
11/12/2009 02:46 PM
It's okay, because he'll never let you down, and rip on you so you end up with crap on your hands.
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0 votes
0.0
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A.C. with built in Horn of Plenty 6,338 4
11/13/2009 08:56 AM
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. John Wayne toilet paper. It's rough, it's tough, and it don't take no Shakespeare from nobody. The Duke vs. the dook.
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