MungChamp 35,886 35
11/16/2009 11:30 AM

Did you happen to catch the Pats game last night?

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
11/16/2009 11:40 AM

Well, it all started out when this friend of mine got into a really bad car accident...

Warm Chance Buns. 171,220 14
11/16/2009 11:54 AM

Chickens is _________?

Cyco A-Maize-ing Ivan 11,324 11
11/16/2009 03:53 PM

I let her talk me into moving in with me
Topped by letting her talk me into getting married
Topped by letting her talk me into having kid #1
Topped by....well you get the picture.

Pants 14,218 17
11/16/2009 03:58 PM

700+ is pretty bad.

Once again, proof that stereotypes are not bigoted but factual.

A.C. with built in Horn of Plenty 6,338 4
11/16/2009 07:25 PM

Not my biggest screw up, but my most recent:

It all started when I decided I should "prank" my probation officer, so to speak. It was a somewhat elaborate plan, and I knew in my heart of hearts, it was the right thing to do.

You see, my PO likes to watch me urinate. I figured it would be pretty funny if instead of putting my piss, which always seems to have stems and seeds floating in it, in his cup, I would put some of my brother's clean piss in it. Having done this an un-countable number of times, I knew it wouldn't be hard, even though he stands three feet behind me to watch. Whiz quizzes are some of the easiest tests to cheat on.

After picking up a couple of puppy feeding syringes, aquarium airline tubing, and Hot Hands pocket hand warmers from Wal Mart, I was set to construct a stealthy urethra facsimile.

All in all, it was a pretty clever and neat device if I do say so myself, and functioned well with my brother's urine in it. (It only leaked on my hands and leg a little.) I taped it up to the inside of my boxers and it was practically invisible.

So I'm at my PO's office, ready to entertain him with his retarded ritual, very confident in the success that's about to come my way because I've never seen a camera or one of those crotch windows in his bathroom. My plan was to place the aquarium airline tube under my dick and squeeze it out, but I had had a few beers on the way up there and my Coleridgeiness got the better of me. I pulled it out, plunged, and filled the cup with nice, clean, warm urine.

A.C. with built in Horn of Plenty 6,338 4
11/16/2009 07:25 PM

"Um, what are you doing?"

Terror.

"Uh, I'm trying to whip this out and fill up this cup." Technically not a lie.

"What is that? I need to watch."

"Frost. Okay."

I then proceeded to put my red-haired, 10% THC urine in the cup for him in front of him after I had tucked the airline hose back in.

Lesson learned: Look slightly up for curved, magnifying mirrors when pissing in an irregular fashion.

Thud 66,695 17
11/16/2009 08:07 PM

Oops.

Next time, try pissing on his shoes first. While he is hopping about trying to figure out how to get rid of your stinky urine, that's when you switch over to your brother's clean urine.

Say it was an accident. That always seems to make probation officers willing to forgive you.

A.C. with built in Horn of Plenty 6,338 4
11/16/2009 08:18 PM

I actually had the next meeting after it at 3:30 today and it turned out I wasn't even really in trouble for it. Just a talking to.

Next time, try pissing on his shoes first.

I love this idea. I may try to see if I can act startled about something, maybe set my phone to ring, and see if I can't act like it got away from me in the confusion. I can always quell the situation by adding, "Well, at least you know it's mine."

The first time I ever took one for him, I'm proud to say, I did piss all over the outside of the cup when I noticed he wasn't wearing any sanitary gloves.

Pramable Lectern 78,178 40
11/16/2009 08:46 PM

A friend was developing a really cool video game pad thing that controlled a piece of video animation software. I forgot he said it was top secret, and blabbed about it on my blog. Not only that, I made everything worse by making fun of its name and posting a link to where people could buy an inferior, cheap version of the same thing.

I've felt bad about it ever since, and didn't mean to do any harm. I don't know if you can blame it on the fact that my brownhole squirts blood like a bottle of ice cream topping, but anything I can pin on my anemia is fine by me.

A Marinating Sash 1,353 7
11/16/2009 10:37 PM

I got really drunk at my sister-in-law's wedding reception and accidentally kicked her in the face. I kicked the bride in the face on her wedding day.

We were dancing to that annoying song by Great Big Sea that's played at every Canadian reception and I was high-kicking like a madman, when I spun around an clocked her right on the nose.

Everything stopped, and people just stared as I stood there with my jaw on the floor and she pinched her nose.

And then came my biggest mistake: I started laughing. And not just nervous laughter. The ridiculousness of the situation hit me all at once, and I pointed and laughed, and then nearly fell over trying to catch my breath.

Her father (my father-in-law) took me by the arm and dragged me outside where I immediately heaved on the sidewalk from not being able to catch my breath (and from a solid 9 beers and uncountable shots).

Where was my wife during all this? Passed out on the floor of the ladies bathroom. She's a class act as well.

We laugh about it now, and my sister-in-law still has a small blood stain on her dress.......(insert virginity joke here).

Thud 66,695 17
11/16/2009 10:48 PM

Sounds like we need to meet your wife. She's seems to be fun at parties.

Reverend Davie gravy Rodriguez 2,413 0
11/16/2009 10:54 PM

Oh, she is. That bathroom brings back good memories. Good thing His sister helped me get her dressed afterword.

A Marinating Sash 1,353 7
11/16/2009 11:19 PM

God's sister?

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
11/17/2009 09:33 AM

A.C. has a parole officer?


I'll file that one under "Things I Should Have Guessed By Now."

A.C. with built in Horn of Plenty 6,338 4 slaps Whistler in the mouth with a chicken fried steak.
11/18/2009 12:13 AM

"I said probation officer you ret... wait.

What the hell is this? Did you spit gravy on my chicken fried st...

Oh man, that's not gravy. That's Frost-ing sick, man. Were you holding that in your mouth this whole time? I'm not eating this Shakespeare now, hell, I wish I wasn't even touching it."