Can You Cook a Turkey Using Explosives? A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 7,153 7 11/17/2009 02:16 AM 3477 views
Sometimes I sit around and think about things that no one else bothers to. For instance, can I prevent my pumpkin from getting smashed? Will banana peels ever be illegal? And: can you cook a turkey using explosives?
During a recent conversation with an acquaintance, I found that she had confiscated several sticks of dynamite from her spouse. (What the spouse was doing with dynamite, I'll leave to your imagination.) Instantly, I knew this was my chance. I shared my explosive turkey idea with her, and after taking a moment to question my sanity, she agreed to give me a couple of sticks -- strictly in the interests of science, of course. The next day she delivered the implements of destruction.
This meal is going to be dynamite.
To test my hypothesis, I would need a turkey, a place to perform the test, and my precious explosives. As not to run afoul (afowl?) of the folks at the ASPCA or PETA, I decided to use a pre-murdered Butterball bird as the object of my experiment. I don't know if they would consider this tampering with a corpse, but I'm sure they would be interested in a faster, more humane way to prepare a turkey dinner.
Not pictured: Salmonella.
Finding the location was easy, since I live out in the middle of nowhere. I just went down the holler a ways on my ancestral homeland to where the sewer line runs across it. This provided a premade foxhole for me to protect myself during the blast.
Surprisingly, my foxhole didn't smell like any other kind of hole.
When dealing with explosives, placement is a key factor. I knew that if the detonation occurred inside the empty body cavity of the bird, the force and heat of the blast would take the path of least resistance, and just shoot out the turkey's butt.
The explosion needed to contain the heat long enough to cook it, so I decided to place the dynamite snugly between the breasts. My main concern was that the shockwave from the blast would push the meat away from the heat before it had a chance to cook, but that's the reason we conduct experiments: to prove or disprove this kind of thing.
You don't often see a turkey with a fuse sticking out of it.
I carefully sparked my lighter, heard the flash-hiss of ignition, and ran like mad for my foxhole.
The wet, mighty explosion was still echoing down the valley as I stood up to evaluate the damage. I could hear little pieces of turkey falling around me like squishy rain, and the crisp smell of gunpowder and blackened meat filled the air.
I had succeeded in blowing it up, but the question was whether it had been cooked in the process. As I approached the scene, I had my answer. There was some charring in a couple of places, but none of the meat was suitably cooked at all. The experiment was a complete failure, but it was my most completely awesome failure to date.
THE RESULTS:
"The Visible Turkey"
Turkey shrapnel was found up to 30 feet away.
With explosive turkey, you get two options: raw or extra-crispy.
This is one occasion where you want the dark meat.
We often learn more from our failures than we do from our successes. I learned that explosive gases may be intensely hot, but they are too brief to be adequately used for cooking. I discovered that even the carcasses of animals I love to eat are pretty damn gross, especially after being blown up.
Lastly, I learned that next year, I'm going to use thermite.
I'd imagine it would have cooked perfectly well had you put the turkey in a stainless-steel pot. You should have welded the top on, also (after the turkey and dynamite were inside), and just drilled a small hole for the fuse. It would have been the ultimate pressure cooker.
The looked like blockbusters or half sticks to me. Either way, there's no way firecrackers would have done that to a turkey (who clearly got what it had coming to him).
There is one more stick of dynomite left, judging by the pictures. Have you considered unclogging that sink or toilet? Or perhapsan alternate sexual lifestylecleaning the gutters?
If the Road Runner had been a turkey, and Wile E. Coyote had been a chubby guy in baggy jeans, that would have been the best cartoon ever!
Seriously, that was great work. Frost-ing awesome. I didn't know you could just light a stick of dynamite like that. I would have figured OSHA had some regulations in place by now to prevent that - remote detanators or something. Seeing you run after lighting the fuse was almost as good as the actual explosion.
I concur with the person who suggested putting the turkey in a closed pot. Open air made a better video, but capturing the energy of the explosion would be the way to go if you really wanted to cook it. What are you doing with the other stick?
Thanks everyone for your kind comments, and thanks to John for giving me ZUG.
For my first proclaimation as ruler, I herby reinstate the boobie thread. However since he was joking (damn it) you can just send them to the email in my profile.
The second stick was a dud, well the fuse was anyway, so it is retired until I find a way to detonate it remotely and have a need to do so.
I may be crazy, but even I am not crazy enough to set off an explosive inside a sealed metal container. That is called a bomb, and I was worried enough about flying turkey bones without throwing steel shrapnel fragments into the mix.
You know whats weird? I went down to my testing site last night and could find no traces of the remains. What I did find was that several coyotes had taken up residence under the nearby brushpile since my test. Does that make Whistler kinda psychic?
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