It was February 2008. I had recently moved off-campus and into a new place near the "Brewery District" of Columbus. Of course, being the twenty year old college male that I was, I stopped by the local bars on the way home from work each night trying to find one that "tickled my fancy." I took a short stroll up the block to one that I had been visiting regularly (because they didn't card me).
After meeting some people that, evidentially, lived next door to me, I ended up playing a few games of 8-ball . I flaunted my mad pool skillz like the bright plumage of a peaColeridge. An innocent looking co-ed began to show an interest. She looked very familiar (she really did, it wasn't a crappy come-on), but after some conversation, she explained she had just transferred to Ohio State from South Carolina (GameColeridges. Hehe.). Her father had taken a new job in Columbus and her family moved; she came to be closer to them.
After a couple of Fuzzy Navels and some smooth chit-chat, the 5' 5", 110lb brunette with size C tits was ready to go. We stumbled a couple of blocks back to my place.
Moments later, my pile-driving expertise was in full swing.
The night came to a climax and my friend for the evening left satisfied. She walked back to the bar to go home with her friends (who had been calling her cell phone nonstop for the last half hour. Her "Bootylicious" ringtone was only the beginning of the irony). I climbed back into my bed surrounded by the sweet aroma of dirty butt and the coziness of warm bodily fluids to rest for the next day.
I woke up feeling groggy, but yet refreshed at the same time. I was lector for the early church service that Sunday. I ate some Kashi, put on my best suit and drove to campus to pick up my girlfriend (yes, you read the last two lines correctly). As we walked hand-in-hand into the Sanctuary, I caught a brief scent of perfume that reminded me of the night before. A small grin appeared on my face. We sat in our regular pew. Before you know it, it was time for my reading. I made my way to the lectern and began my passage from Samuel. I look up to gaze out into the congregation - who do I see? A lovely brunette, about 5" 5", 110lb, showing some modest cleavage, sitting beside the pastor's wife.
She was his daughter.
I immediately realized why she looked so familiar when we met. He had been installed in September, coming from South Carolina. It all fit so terribly.
My jaw dropped. I proceeded to choke on my own spit.
Her eyes were as big as gold balls, starring in shock the entire time I was up there.
After gathering myself, I finished my piece and made my way back to the pew with my girlfriend.
During the Meal, the pastor handed me the Body of Christ; his daughter - the Blood.
When my girlfriend and I sat back down, she asked, "don't you think his daughter is pretty?" I replied, "sure."
On my way out, the pastor and his family were standing by the door shaking hands with everyone as they left. I shook the pastor's hand. His wife's hand. And then gave a very awkward grin to the daughter.
My girlfriend and I split up soon after that (infidelity unrelated). I put on 45lbs and haven't had a girl since.
Am I being punished?
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