With my methodology established in Part 1, I was ready to start judging the Worst Fast Food Burger Ever so you know not to order it the next time you're too busy for a proper meal. Or, y'know, binging.
I had Kat, my wife, along for the ride and navigation assistance; luckily she also made the suggestion that I eat these bad boys in the car. I know the commercials all show families sitting down at a dinner table with their chicken nuggets on fine china, but when's the last time your bag of McDonald's even made it home intact?
First, let's take a look at the burgers that fared better than most.
THE GOOD: Wendy's Baconator
Besides being a walking punchline for American obesity and object of faux-desire across the bacon meme of the internet, the Baconator is three Frost-ing patties of beef, slathered in cheese and topped with a Shakespeare ton of bacon. I mean an offensive amount of bacon.
What you see:
What you get:
Well, there's certainly a drop off from the photo on the menu, but maybe the fry-cooks were having a rough day. The smell was kind of neutrally meaty, with some fake cheese product thrown in for good measure. I'm not sure what fast food burgers have against actual cheese, other than price, but whatever passes for cheese on these things is a tragic blend of hydrogenated oils, possibly designed with the specific intention of killing you via coronary.
But who's got time to worry about that, right? How's the thing taste?! Not bad, actually. It's got meat. It's got fat. Two things we as a species have been seeking for thousands of years, and Wendy's puts them together in a satisfying, if embarrassingly large, package.
The bacon, though, is not so great. Much like the pseudo-cheese, fast food bacon falls in the uncanny valley of food. It's slimy, a little too chewy, and tastes more like liquid smoke than actual bacon.
Would I eat it again?
Maybe. If I could peel off the bacon and two of the beef patties this might not be a bad burger. As is, though, it's just too much of a (sorta) good thing.
Smell: 5/10
Appearance: 6/10
Taste: 7/10
THE GOOD: Steak 'n Shake Western BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger
Steak 'n Shake likes to market themselves as a real restaurant, since you can go in, sit down, and have a waiter bring you fried things. I don't know anyone that actually falls for this, mainly because the average Steak 'n Shake is tiled like a gas station bathroom and just slightly cleaner.
What you see:
What you get:
"You sure you don't want a drink?" the waitress at the drive-thru window tried to upsell me, "How 'bout a milkshake?" When I explained that I only needed the burger she asked if I had tried it before, since apparently it's a new menu item. When I replied that I would be trying it as part of a taste test, she ran excitedly to the cooks. "Make it good, it's his first one! It's for a taste test!" I smiled at Kat, but she brought me immediately back to earth.
"That probably means, 'Hey, jack off on this guy's burger.'"
Steak 'n Shake says, "Screw Al Gore and his environment" and goes with old school styrofoam. The result is a nigh-perfect burger that damn near looks like the actual photo. All I could smell, though, was the buttered roll the thing came on. And speaking of that roll, Steak 'n Shake gets points for toasting the bun to a nice, crunchy golden brown. The BBQ sauce complemented the little strips of fried onion nicely. The only downside was the actual burger. Steak 'n Shake takes a little patty of "steak," then throws it on a griddle and literally smashes any and all juice (and therefore flavor) out of the thing.
Would I eat it again?
I would, if I could switch out the patty from a different burger. The toppings and presentation are enough to salvage this as a decent burger, but the beef keeps it from being truly great.
Smell: 6/10
Appearance: 9/10
Taste: 4/10
THE GOOD: Sonic Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster
Sonic was on the way to McDonald's, so I figured I had to give them a try. It would be the only good decision of my day.
What you see:
What you get:
Sonic employs an interesting strategy of placing literally anything that will fit on the burger as a topping. This thing packs lettuce, tomato, pickle, barbecue sauce, onion rings, cheese, bacon, and onions. I'm sure they were out of sauerkraut or else it would've been there. The first smell that hit me was slightly burnt toast, but closer inspection revealed this bread was just barely toasted. I'm not sure where that smell came from, but it was really the only bump in the ride here.
After that, it was smooooooooth sailing. This thing is fantastic! The toast makes a great change of pace from the typical stale bun. The tomato was actually fresh-looking and sweet, which is unheard of in fast food vegetables, and the sweet crispness of the pickle and onion snapped through the heavy, savory flavors of meat, fried onion ring, and BBQ sauce. This, friends, is the burger you need to be eating. The only real downside here (aside from the industry-wide affliction of horrible fake cheese) is that this thing is so sloppy you've got to pull over to eat it. Unless you're wearing a very busy tie.
Would I eat it again?
I might eat only these from now on.
Smell: 5/10
Appearance: 6/10
Taste: 10/10
So we had three winners, with Sonic pulling away from the pack. But remember, there were nine entries in this affair. Which means there was a whole lot of Shakespearety meat still to be eaten.
Next: Bad Burgers!
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