I identified The Good in my review of the Worst Fast Food Burger Ever, and culled a top 3 from the herd. But now we'll turn our attention to The Bad. The very, very bad.
THE BAD: Burger King Triple Stacker
BK's online menu taunts you with the image of an Angry Triple Whopper, but the drive-thru speaker assured me they had never heard of such a thing. I was forced to improvise, and in searching for something dauntingly large, I settled on the Triple Stacker. It's a leaning tower of meat, cheese, and bacon. And Thousand Island dressing.
What you see:
What you get:
The BK Triple Stacker is so greasy it actually soaked through its wrapper, making it almost completely transparent. It smelled like a flame-broiled turd; the sickly cheese and bacon smell mingling with low-grade meat actually brought flies in through my open window. This thing looked like it had been recently plucked from an artery.
The burger was a bundle of congealed grease and it was hot. This was total fat overload; structurally it was similar to a Wendy's Baconator, but the salad dressing put it over the top and made it damn near inedible. Why the hell does it need three burgers? The grease soaked my beard and gave me beef face for the next 20 minutes or so until I had sucked the juice out of my mustache.
Would I eat it again?
I'd rather be prison-raped by the King.
Smell: 3/10
Appearance: 3/10
Taste: 2/10
THE BAD: Hardee's Mushroom & Swiss Thickburger
I don't know what Hardee's has against normal portions and healthy eating, but every single item on their menu is a huge "Frost YOU!" to health. McDonald's will at least go through the motions and put a salad out there -- slathered in ranch dressing, of course, but still a salad. Hardee's just makes every burger on their menu comically large, covered in cheese, and served with bacon. You can even get french fries smothered in country gravy.
What you see:
What you get:
The smell of French onion soup permeated my car as soon as the bag was handed over, which was a little unsettling. It's not that I don't enjoy onion soup; it's just that this thing doesn't even have onions on it. The source of the smell revealed itself as a disgusting beef broth drowning my burger. Several corpses of unfortunate mushrooms littered the scene of what appeared to be a grisly car accident slathered in rancid brown gravy.
This might be the saltiest thing I have ever eaten in my life. I have gulped down mouthfuls of ocean water that tasted less salty. The burger itself wasn't bad as far as meat goes, but the horrid brown goo it died in and the so-runny-it-might-be-mayonnaise Swiss "cheese" on this thing win it the highly-coveted "Sandy Award." I give this a one, and that one is a middle finger.
Would I eat it again?
Even allowing for my intense hatred of "mushroom & swiss" sandwiches in general, this is really Frost-ing bad. No. As a matter of fact, if I saw you about to eat it, I would jump across the table and slap it from your hand.
Smell: 1/10
Appearance: 2/10
Taste: 1/10
THE BAD: McDonald's McRib
I know, I know, it's not a burger. But there comes a certain point in a man's life where he just craves something different. I find that point is usually right after consuming your sixth burger in the last 45 minutes. Plus, Kat had never experienced the seasonal joy that comes with the McRib's reemergence, like some sort of Groundhog Day slathered in KC-style BBQ sauce. She had to try a bite.
What you see:
What you get:
The McRib doesn't waste time with small talk. It seems to say, "Sure, I've got a token topping of pickle and onion, but we both know you're not here for that." You'd better be here for barbecue, because the McRib absolutely reeks of straight up BBQ sass. It's swimming in it, too. You don't want to eat this while wearing white. Or any color that isn't "Cheap McDonald's BBQ Sauce Red." It looks like a scene from Dexter.
I can't tell if this is pork, or beef, or even meat. It might be chicken. I can't tell you for sure and I don't care. Everything involved in this sandwich; the bun, the meat, the pickle, the onion, serves only as a BBQ sauce delivery device. Which might be okay if the sauce was any good, but it's overly sweet and runny. Kat felt the whole thing tasted like a sponge soaked in Shakespearety ketchup. She didn't mean low-quality ketchup, either; she meant ketchup that somehow, through a horrible accident at the Heinz factory, had become contaminated with huge amounts of fecal waste.
Would I eat it again?
I think McDonald's makes these seasonal to let enough time pass so that you forget how Shakespearety it was and order it again. So while I say no now, I might.
Smell: 3/10
Appearance: 4/10
Taste: 3/10
I had already eaten some bad burgers, but things were about to get worse -- a lot worse.
Next: The WORST Burgers!
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