Crappy Consumer Reports: Worst Fast Food Burger Ever, Part 4
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  46,491  12
11/17/2009 04:44 PM 3668 views
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I was on a mission to find The Worst Fast Food Burger Ever. I had already tasted some pretty bad burgers, but the absolute worst was yet to come.
THE WORSE: Del Taco Triple Del Cheeseburger
Wha? A burger at a taco place? Here's a little tip for all your future dining: if there's one item on the menu that's conspicuously out of place (fish at a steak house, pasta at a bar & grille, anything at a Red Lobster) it's going to be Frost-ing terrible. Now apply that formula to Del Taco, which barely even turns out an edible taco, and you get an idea as to how bad this is about to be.
What you see:
What you get:
This thing smelled like a greasy, burnt, cardboard tragedy. I have never smelled a food product like this before, and remember, I ate gastropods out of a can. It looked like a plastic representation of a bad hamburger. Plastic soaked in grease. This might've been greasier than even the Triple Stack; it actually left a puddle in its little cardboard box. I hate shoestring lettuce, and I don't understand how Thousand Island dressing became standard fare for hamburgers, but this thing had all of that, plus an ungodly amount of fake cheese. The only redeeming factor? The tomato was surprisingly fresh and tasty.
One word came to mind the whole time I was eating: gray. This thing just tastes gray, and low grade, and sad. Like a little pile of Shakespeare that wanted so badly to be a hamburger but just couldn't find the right fairy godmother to make it happen. This is the kind of burger that people make when they've never had a hamburger; they just live in some bizarro world where they've only seen one on TV once but are left to guess as to what actually goes into making one.
Would I eat it again?
If you ever see me within 100 yards of a Del Taco feel free to just put a bullet in my head.
Smell: 0/10
Appearance: 2/10
Taste: 0/10
THE WORSE: White Castle Jalapeno Cheeseburger
I debated whether or not to include White Castle on the list, because if you're getting these for lunch, you should probably be checking in to AA as you must be completely Shakespearefaced in the middle of the day.
What you see:
What you get:
If you've never been drunk enough to actually eat White Castle, let me explain that it doesn't matter what you order. Your car is going to be filled with the same smell no matter what sandwich you pick, and that odor is as mortifying as a wet tamale fart in church. The only thing White Castle has going for it in terms of looks is that it's tiny. It's a tiny greaseball completely saturated with fat topped with brown crumbly onions, a pickle, and a tiny slice of unmelted pepperjack cheese. The bun is absolutely soggy with grease. Naturally I did the only thing anyone would do with one of these: I popped the whole sum'bitch in my mouth.
Blargh! The spicy notes of jalapeno were quickly drowned in a chorus of rancid onion. The whole thing was so damn soggy it felt like it had already been chewed. If you eat this and you're on your way somewhere else, be warned that the smell will hang on your skin, hair, and clothes; every person you encounter will glare at you judgmentally as they assume that you have Shakespeare your pants. Unluckily for you, if you've eaten White Castle, you're already on an unstoppable countdown until you Shakespeare your pants.
Would I eat it again?
Depends. Are you buying the drinks?
Smell: -5/10
Appearance: 1/10
Taste: 0/10
THE WORST: Jack in the Box Sourdough Steak Melt
Again, I know it's not a burger, but by the time I had gotten to Jack in the Box I needed to do something to mix up the competition, and I figured I couldn't go wrong with steak. Except I was at a Jack in the Box, a restaurant that offers everything from pitas to egg rolls to salads to milk shakes. I also want to mention that when we pulled up, the drive-thru line was literally wrapped around the restaurant and spilling out onto the street. We decided to venture in to speed things up.
What you see:
What you get:
Sweet Frost-ing Christ this thing is awful. I was immediately struck by the fetid smell of old stew meat. The meat was a horrible gray-brown and came in weird stringy chunks that actually did remind me of the canned snails. The appearance wasn't helped when I tried to pick up the sandwich and caused a huge mayonnaise zit to erupt on the top of the bread.
Tastewise, the meat is like soft leather: gray, vaguely meaty, and horrid. The only good thing about this is the bread, and the bread's got so much butter and grease soaked in it that you're going to get sick from it anyway. Make no mistake, this is a sandwich that offended my very sensibilities. I considered complaining, but then I remembered the drive-thru line, and figured I'd be better off just throwing the damn thing away.
Would I eat it again?
Frost you for even asking that. No, I'm serious. This is my body we're talking about. You think I'll put just anything in my stomach?
Smell: -5/10
Appearance: -10/10
Taste: -100/10
FINAL RANKINGS
There you have it! Jack in the Box, congratulations on making The Worst Fast Food Burger Ever! Everyone head on down to Sonic for the good stuff!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have my wife drive me to Urgent Care.
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
20 votes
4.6
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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John Hargrave 119,938  37
11/17/2009 04:47 PM
You've outdone yourself. Absolutely hilarious.
Thank you for donating your digestive system to comedy.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1849646
Manhole 9,798 10
11/17/2009 06:31 PM
Awesome! I will never look at a cheeseburger the same way again...
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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UnderSpiced Rum 77,657 27
11/17/2009 09:45 PM
I was interested until you complained about the McRib. I haven't had one in at least 3 years, but whenever it is available again...well, I am going to marry it.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
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Randall Cleveland 46,491 12
11/18/2009 09:07 AM
St. Louis is allegedly a test market for McDonald's, so McRibs come out every year. They also put out a lot of weird menu items here before running them in other markets and sometimes send all the stuff no one else in the country will eat back to St. Louis to be polished off.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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Brad Poynter 11,698 17
11/18/2009 10:17 AM
Like a man diving on a hand grenade to save his squad, such is Randall Cleveland to the reluctant patrons of these grease laden establishments. Great Work!
Too bad the Congressional Medal of Honor is usually awarded posthumously.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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Randall Cleveland 46,491 12
11/18/2009 10:29 AM
Like a man diving on a hand grenade to save his squad, such is Randall Cleveland to the reluctant patrons of these grease laden establishments. Great Work!
Too bad the Congressional Medal of Honor is usually awarded posthumously.
If I'm falling on anything, it's most likely because I've just suffered a monumental stroke. Which, on the upside, might land me that Medal of Honor.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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UnderSpiced Rum 77,657 27
11/18/2009 10:39 AM
I also want to say that the Angry Whopper is delicious. Triple Angry Whopper - I've never tried it and never will.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Fezig - the other Mike Rowe 3,644 5
11/18/2009 11:39 AM
Now - I will have to Sonic's burger. My cholesterol levels needs to be about 200 points higher for coronary fun.
McRib - they should have named it McRubber since it was about as chewy as a tire. One of the worst things I have ever attempted to eat.
The one that tops them all was something that I only saw in CT when I lived there...
Wait for it...
THE MCLOBSTER SANDWICH!!!
Imagine a sandwich made of the crappiest "Imitation" crab meat, gobs of mayo (not from a porn star) on a bun...truly a sandwich made to be vomited.
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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MungChamp 26,774 21
11/18/2009 01:03 PM
Awesome work Randy!
When you happen to do a consumer report for lube alternatives during these tough economic times, I can save you the time of testing Icy/Hot. It's -100 and changes the color of your member like a Freezy Freaky.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Cyco A-Maize-ing Ivan 11,077 9
11/18/2009 01:11 PM
St. Louis is allegedly a test market for McDonald's, so McRibs come out every year. They also put out a lot of weird menu items here before running them in other markets and sometimes send all the stuff no one else in the country will eat back to St. Louis to be polished off.
Wisconsin also makes a big deal out of McRib's every football season. We're all a bunch of fat Frosts up here so everyone loves them. For the life of me I have no idea why Jack in the Box has no franchises here. I bet you're average Wisconsinite would love that steak sammich.
As for White Castle. I've eaten there once and all I'll say is that it's the last Frost-ing time I taking food advice from fake stoned minorities. I'd rather eat at the restaurant where Pooky added the horse semen to the special sauce.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Pants 12,669 14
11/18/2009 06:09 PM
Great work. Next time you decide to do taste testing take your time and sample one product each day. This way you could clock their exit speed and estimate the number of scovilles.
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