Pubah In Your Pudding 47,449 11
11/18/2009 05:26 AM

Step One:
Pull your hand out of your pants.

Pubah In Your Pudding 47,449 11
11/18/2009 05:26 AM

Step Two:
Step AWAY from the Computer

Bill the Squ--, Uhmm, Turkey 25,487 8
11/18/2009 05:27 AM

Step 4: Hit Pubah in the head with a flying spoon.

Pubah In Your Pudding 47,449 11
11/18/2009 05:29 AM

Finally:
Engage them in conversation. Determine if their intellect is compatable with yours. Cause, to paraphrase Ron (Tater Salad) White...You can get new boobs, you can suck the fat from her belly, you can shoot fat into her ass, you can buy a new nose, lips and cheek structure...But Bill, You CAN'T Fix STUPID.

Pubah In Your Pudding 47,449 11
11/18/2009 05:31 AM

If hitting Pubah in the head with a flying spoon was all it took to get hot women, I'd be a dimple headed Hugh Heffner by now.

Bill the Squ--, Uhmm, Turkey 25,487 8
11/18/2009 05:31 AM

But Bill, You CAN'T Fix STUPID.



So basically, you are saying that I'm FrostED(or not as it were).

Pubah In Your Pudding 47,449 11
11/18/2009 06:09 AM

Yes, Bill...you're screwed (and not in a good way). There's always Hope, Bill.

Piquantrax Pie and Football 907 4
11/18/2009 06:20 AM

Roofie Racoon Colada?

BC Bud 11,109 10
11/18/2009 06:23 AM

After reading your posts for a long time. I suggest you try CraigsList under "bi curious"

Pubah In Your Pudding 47,449 11
11/18/2009 06:33 AM

Roofie Colada: The Great Equalizer

Besides, Roofie Racoon is too good for Bill.

A.C. with built in Horn of Plenty 5,980 4
11/18/2009 10:00 AM

You could always try Newton, a wealthy suburb of Boston, at the Union Street bar in Newton Centre. I hear there's a very successful and attractive broad up there who's just dying to buy someone drinks. She seems like she's very down to earth and quite in touch with reality.

I'd be careful, but you might get lucky and get some good head or some brown eye action if you can entertain her notions of self-greatness.

Nachos 51,784 10
11/18/2009 02:27 PM

Your best (possibly only) hope would seem to be to trail after your local meth dealer to find a ready supply of junkies.

KChiki's Gravy & Mashed 'Tatoes! 50,406 11
11/18/2009 05:41 PM

Nachos, I think he means he wants to find one to keep alive for a while. Otherwise, your methods are solid.

Gonzo 17,598 12
11/18/2009 06:04 PM

It's getting into the Holiday Season(tm).

You should be able to go to any Applebee's / Friday's / Chili's / Bennigan's (basically... any megacorp-owned-"Grill" that has an apostrphie-"s" after the name) on any given weekday evening.

There should be a gaggle of spent retail workers congregated there "stimulating the economy" (you know... so they can go back to their one-bedroom shacks and be too drunk to complain about not being able to get ahead.)

By the end of the night, there should be at least one that's confused enough to engage in a conversation with you, no matter who you are. The law of averages shows that if you do this fifty-or-so times, you should, at least once, find someone who's instincts are dulled enough to agree to meet you elsewhere, and who would feel guilty about not following through.

Do that fifty-or-so times, and you will either be ready to put a bullet through your head, or have a semi-steady relationship with an emotionally unstable alcoholic retail worker.

Alright. That's not funny. That's just sad.

What's wrong with you?!

the fun in disfunctional 801 4
11/18/2009 06:09 PM

Adopt a really cute dog - total chick magnet. Or you could get a baby...Oh yeah...you don't have so much luck in that department. Go with the dog.

A Cornucopia of Disco 2,237 5
11/18/2009 06:43 PM

Step One:
Pull your hand out of your pants.


I thought my hand in my pants was a date.

Brad Poynter 7,153 7
11/18/2009 07:04 PM

I had written this big long response that was actually helpful, but it wasn't funny at all so instead I present the following.

Duct Tape.

UnderSpiced Rum 72,813 16
11/18/2009 07:11 PM

Maybe attend a GAB gathering. I heard that there are lots of whores there that will sleep with anybody.

The Thief of Always 220 4
11/18/2009 07:50 PM

Either ask your mom or grandma (if applicable) to set you up with a "nice young lady" - anyone they set you up with would likely be an easy lay. Otherwise you can always us the internet and go international, everyone knows those Russian girls are young, hot and looking for an easy green card.

A Marinating Sash 1,336 5
11/18/2009 09:47 PM

My wife has several good-looking friends who have recently become single. Send me a sexy picture of yourself and I'll see if they're interested (and I definitely won't photoshop it into gay porn and post it everywhere).

Cyco A-Maize-ing Ivan 8,868 6
11/18/2009 10:03 PM

Are you sure you even want to date? I mean you have a hand, an Internet connection, and you can make yourself a sammich, so why bother with the headaches of getting kicked out of your home repeatedly dating.

On the rare occassions where the hand doesn't cut it, I concur with the roofie colada vote.

Dogs Akimbo 158,674 11
11/18/2009 10:52 PM

Sometimes, I'll see a very attractive woman with a guy who is not very attractive, maybe fat and balding, and I'll wonder how this happened. I've asked these woman, and most commonly what they answer is, "He makes me laugh."
















Yeah, you're outta luck.

Whistler P. McManus 141,398 23
11/19/2009 12:39 AM

Sometimes, I'll see a very attractive woman with a guy who is not very attractive, maybe fat and balding, and I'll wonder how this happened. I've asked these woman, and most commonly what they answer is, "He plays the fife."




What? It worked for me.

hairy punkin pie gal 5,510 7
11/19/2009 12:04 PM

the fun in disfunctional
11/18/2009 01:09 PM
Adopt a really cute dog -

Or you could buy a really useful dog that you don't need to walk or feed.

KChiki's Gravy & Mashed 'Tatoes! 50,406 11
11/19/2009 05:11 PM

Don't tell that cute girl standing in line at the convenience store to buy her energy drink to smile. They hate that.