Pubah In Your Pudding 48,696 12
11/17/2009 08:59 PM

Awnser each call, "You've reached XYZ IT. My name is Cartman and I may be naked. I'll do my best to fix your boggle quickly so I may get back to masturbating...because your business is important to me."

Straw potato casserole 66,640 16
11/17/2009 09:46 PM

Instead of speaking to the customers, he could sing his dialogue.

He could have background porn music, and everything said to the customer is in a suggestive tone of voice.

Every time a customer says something that he's heard at least 30 times before, he takes a shot of tequila.

Whenever a customer annoys him, he puts the customer on hold and plays the Rick Astley song.

Have people in the office periodically scream and wail, and if a customer asks what is happening, just tell them that customer service is the 10th circle of Hell.

And of course, the ole GAB standby: F-DISK!!!

The Mailman 145,763 22
11/17/2009 10:09 PM

Whenever someone calls to have their password reset, Cartman should set the new password to inappropriate or embarrassing phrases, and then spell the password one letter at a time to let the users discover the password by themselves:

- I-B-L-O-W-G-O-A-T-S-4-F-U-N

- J-O-N-A-S-B-R-O-T-H-E-R-S-4-E-V-E-R

- M-E-E-T-M-E-I-N-T-H-E-M-E-N-S-R-O-O-M-@-4

- etc.

John Hargrave 120,801 40
11/18/2009 04:45 AM

I like Mailman's suggestion.

He could also just change everyone's password to "FU".

Reading that back over the phone should help release some frustration.

Gonzo 18,596 14
11/18/2009 07:02 AM

Talk like a Speak 'n Spell.

BOOH-BBE-BOOH-BEE!

HELLO. THIS IS THU PHELP DEPHK. PHOW. MAY. EYEH. PHELP. YOUW?

Umm... Is this a person?

THIS IS THU PHELP DEPHK. PHOW. MAY. EYEH. PHELP. YOUW?

Okay... um I need my dongle-thigney reset?

THPELL "DOUCHEBAG".

What? Who is this?!

THATH ISH INCORRECT. THPELL "DOUCHEBAG".

Listen asshat... I wanna know who this is RIGHT THE Frost NOW!

I'MB THORRY. THATH ISH WRONG. THU CORRECT THPELLING UV "DOUCHEBAG" IS: D. O. U. C. H. E. B. A. G.

That't it. I'm gonna

GOOD BYE!
BOOH-BBE-BOOH-BEE!

Madness 2,662 5
11/18/2009 08:46 AM

Do what I do with telemarketers.

When you get a call, pick up the phone and say nothing. Put the phone pretty much INSIDE your mouth and start breathing like an asthmatic fatso getting a porno fix.

Cyco A-Maize-ing Ivan 11,113 9
11/18/2009 01:52 PM

When I need to relax when on the phone with an idiot, I just ask to put them on hold and keep them there for 5 minutes while I browse the Internet. It's an easy way to vent without disturbing anyone.

However, for something funny, your co-worker should speak in accents and then "transfer" users between different accents

Indian: Tank you for calling xxx this is Habib, could you hod please?
{2 minutes)
Mexican: Dis ees Paco, how can I asseest you?

Then after a little bit, say you can't help and transfer them to Angry German Heintz, etc.

Whistler P. McManus 156,379 31
11/18/2009 02:18 PM

It isn't funny, but I always put people who are driving me crazy on hold.

"Would you mind waiting on hold for a minute while I look into this?"

Then, while they're on hold, I either find someone sympathetic to vent to or I just practice deep breathing and maybe a little chanting ("if everyone was a rocket scientist, there would be no one to pick up the garbage" is one that sometimes helps).

Cyco A-Maize-ing Ivan 11,113 9
11/18/2009 02:24 PM

It's funny to me because I'm not the only one who does that. It also always makes me wonder when I'm on the other side of the tech support line, if I'm being put on hold for a valid reason, or if Hakeem suddenly had a wicked case of curry Shakespeares.

Pants 12,751 14
11/18/2009 03:30 PM

Cartman could make the wall of shame, continue to receive a monthly check, and still save face by feigning mental illness.

He should cease all hygiene, leave his shoes constantly untied, cut his own hair blindly, and start making personal visits to the people calling the help desk.

After a month or so word will get around about the whack job "assisting people" and eventually they'll let him go and he should be eligible for welfare based on the apparent decline of his mental state.

A Marinating Sash 1,344 6
11/18/2009 10:14 PM

Reset everyone's desktop photo to be a closeup of his balls stamped with the company logo.

When people ask tell them it's a panoramic of the Sonoran Desert. Unless he's black. Then you can say it's the Sonoran desert at night.

Reverend Davie gravy Rodriguez 2,365 0
11/18/2009 11:36 PM

A very pleasant way I was let go last month was when I quit, but didn't tell anyone. I had vacation time planned, so the week before I left, I pretty much stopped working. I made calls all day to my friends, played on zug and some other places, and planned out my vacation.

Every day I showed up with my empty laptop bag slowly taking whatever office supplies I could get my hands on and any paperwork I figured may be worth something to a competitor. By the time my last day came before my vacation started, I rolled in at the crack of 1pm to be told I was fired and to clean out my desk.

I laughed at my publisher and told him I had quit last week, and that I was just coming in to use the phone. He got upset and demanded I clean out my desk, so I walked over there and grabbed my copy of East Of Eden I had been reading when I tired of personal calls and internet porn surfing, and walked out.

He really didn't believe me, until I pointed out to him that the desk was already completely empty, and all files on my computer deleted, leaving only the empty folders on the screen and some random worthless paperwork and take out menus to make it look good.

My boss later told me over beers a week later that was the best firing he ever had to do.

A hunk o' burning Ravos 46,500 15
11/20/2009 02:16 PM

He should tell customers he is putting them on hold, but instead, he should just start singing karaoke into the phone for 5 minutes, then break mid song and say "Thanks for holding, my name is cartman, how can I help you?"

Pubah In Your Pudding 48,696 12
11/23/2009 09:32 PM

"And now
The end is near
and so I face
The final Curtian..."

Pubah In Your Pudding 48,696 12
11/24/2009 09:33 PM

..."As tears subside
I'll state my case
of which I'm certian

I've loved,
I've laughed and cried
I've had each step
along the by way

but more
much more than this
I did it MY WAY..."

Pubah In Your Pudding 48,696 12 Waits behind the sofa to smack Chance's beautiful bouncing buns
11/24/2009 09:34 PM

..."So tell me whyeee..."

xaber 0 1
12/15/2009 02:39 AM

Tell them you'll be right back. Scream for a solid five minute block, then play a smashing glass sound effect. Return to the phone in a soft, sedated tone of voice. Instead of saying goodbye, let the customer hear a loud thump, and remain silent until they hang up.

WhyMi 842 5 is jealous that "Cartman" still HAS a job
12/16/2009 01:55 PM

Hmmm...lesss-c

Something along the lines of this ought to do the trick:

In his best Indian (dot not feather) accent:

"Alloo, my name is Alli Kinish, Ow may I be able to possibly serve you this morning" (even if it's afternoon)

When the person says they've missplaced their password:
"Ah, werry good, I will be able to help you with dat. Please give to me one moment please." pause, but do nothing "Dere we are, you have your password reset now, please to try again"

When they say it's still not working:
"Oh my, I do not see how that could POSSIBLY be, I have reset it to the password you had previously, perhaps you have not spelled it correctly? Please to be sure you have not pressed your capitol locking key, and type it in again. I have it spelled as 'Arehash' 'Shhhash' 'Areatetah' 'Petheratal' 'Habouautalha' 'Zenophob'; please to try this and have a good day"

then hang up.



Hey, it may not be P.C. but it works. TRUST ME

Space Admiral BobJohnson 169,656 15
12/16/2009 02:56 PM

"OK, I've reset your password. Are there any other accounts you'd like me to reset the password for? An ex-wife maybe?"

KChiki...with bells on! 68,443 23
12/16/2009 03:17 PM

I recently discovered (as in, today) that I'd made a "boo-boo" at work by assuming parts of an extremely large project were being taken care of when they weren't. Thus, I'm costing the company $1500 in Expedite fees from one telephone company and who knows how much in Expedite fees from another.

All this comes right after my boss sat me down to tell me what an excellent job I've done in the last year and that I got one of the highest paid annual bonuses in the company.

Woooo!

peoriagrace 5,992 9
12/16/2009 07:36 PM

Now that's timing!

Spicey McHaggis 106,091 17
12/16/2009 07:42 PM

WhyMi is jealous that "Cartman" still HAS a job

Um, yeah. About that...

Cartman is no longer with the company.
Thank you all for your fine suggestions, but Mr. Cartman decided on the tried and true "Sucking at your job" method.

Ravos the red nosed reindeer 46,500 15
12/17/2009 07:20 AM

SO he did a good job at sucking then? Such a talent should be commended with a trophy, or a plastic kazzoo.

WhyMi 842 5
12/17/2009 09:46 AM

Um, yeah. About that...

Cartman is no longer with the company.
Thank you all for your fine suggestions, but Mr. Cartman decided on the tried and true "Sucking at your job" method.


So...so you're saying...there's an OPENING?!!!!!ELEVENTLY!~1111


Resume can be emailed in a heartbeat, my dearest friend Mr. Haggis sir.