What will YOU be thankful for this Thanksgiving? A comedy article
by hairy punkin pie gal 9,301 10 11/19/2009 11:01 AM 347 views
I am thankful for the Blackfeet Nation of Montana.
I am also grateful for my Grandma Margaret Grace. She had a tough upbringing and was the only one of seven siblings to survive beyond year three. And she is the only one in the family to tell it like it is.
When my Grandmother was an infant, her father got a job as a laborer building an irrigation system in Montana. He, my Great-Grandmother, and their baby (my Gramma) settled on the outskirts of the Blackfeet Tribe's town.
A terrible snow storm arrived in Winter and killed many members of the tribe, their infants, and laborers. Food was scarce. My Great-Grandfather set out on a journey to his sister's ranch. His sister, Bess, had married a prosperous sheep rancher and lived near the South Dakota border. My Great-Grandfather went there as was able to return to the reservation with nearly 3 dozen head of sheep.
Because of severe malnutrition, my Great-Grandma had 'dried up' so one of the Blackfeet women who had lost her infant, gave her milk to my Gramma. That is the only reason my Gramma survived.
It is tradition in my family (because of my sappy Mom), that three kernels of corn are laid upon your dinner plate. As we go around the table, (because you can not eat until this task is completed) each person is expected to take each kernel in their hand and tell the family three things that they are grateful for.
My Gramma always has the same #1 and #2 answers. Her #3 answer depends upon if something interesting or exciting happened to her in the past year. One of the things I admire the most about my Gramma is that she does not beat around the bush. She always goes for the kill, without apologies or remorse.
My Gramma will be 90 this year. For the past two Thanksgivings her answers have been:
1) I am grateful for the Blackfeet Nation for providing me with life. It is only because of them that I live.
2) I am grateful for having healthy children, and they had my healthy grand children, and THEY had my healthy great-grand children.
3) I am grateful for being my age because it means I will not have to deal with you stupid people much longer.
( I am sure she wants to call us all Frosters, but she is a lady. And a lady would not do that.)
I am thankful for my ability to instantly recognize that someone has posted a horribly maudlin story on a comedy thread rather than, y'know, comedy, and therefore skip the whole thing to post a snarky comment instead.
For food, (cycoivan would destroy us all without it) and for raiment. (gives nudity a purpose and much more meaning by contrast) For life,(kind of cool, helps with the conciousness thing) and for opportunity. (for justful revenge, the word "mine", and the act of a girl spreading her legs) For friendship and for fellowship, (get high with a little help from my friends) We thank thee, oh Lord. (props to the funny guy in the sky)
Randall Cleveland 11/19/2009 04:50 PM I am thankful for my ability to instantly recognize that someone has posted a horribly maudlin story on a comedy thread rather than, y'know, comedy, and therefore skip the whole thing to post a snarky comment instead.
I'm sorry, I was misled when someone posted a few threads aboot their mundane family life. Like taking the kids to school, watching them, picking up turds, etc. (don't make me research them, because I'll get too tired!) All vomitorium material aside.
And then YOU...Mr. Randy luv, asking to be stalked by me. (Well, I'm too tired for those shenanigans too)
However, Mr. Cleveland I give you an open invitation to my family's Thanksgiving dinner(We've always invited strays along the way).I'll pick you up from the airport, entertain you with my husband (who thinks there is no good food, until you kill it and grill it) and then subject you to my Mother's, and her husband's (who's a fag but won't admit it) irrational fear of God.
My email address is currently on my profile. So if you're in So. Fla. Thanksgiving weekend, I've got a comfy couch smothered in Bulldogs and stupid stories.
Did I mention we're a military family?
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Yeah, most of us survived it.
The others smoke weed and one became a psychologist.
Well?
Tell me oh, hardworn angstmeister.
Take out your aggravations on me. Do it to my face. Then we'll sit in my hottub and laugh about trivial B.S. and have a suprisingly, relaxing good time.
Take out your aggravationssexual fustrations on me. Do it to on my face. Then we'llI'll sit in my hottub on your face and laugh about trivial B.S. and have a suprisingly, relaxingclimatic good time.
I am thankful for the self-righteous n00bs who arrive here as regularly as the change of seasons and tells us all how we're doing it wrong. Without them, we might just keep on with the funny stuff and never stop to think about all the little girls who fall down wells.
I am optimistic enough to think that maybe somewhere in that post, there is a payoff. You know, the kind of story that starts out seeming like one thing (feelgood heartturdwarming schlock) but is actually a very clever bit of sarcasm in disguise.
Except that I'm getting to the age where a long set up is not going to do it for me. Forget the foreplay - I want my jokes to be quick, dirty, and have me crying afterward.
am thankful for the self-righteous n00bs who arrive here as regularly as the change of seasons and tells us all how we're doing it wrong. Without them, we might just keep on with the funny stuff and never stop to think about all the little girls who fall down wells.
WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!?! Because I'm sure as hell not going to do it.
Eventually I'll get it. Eventually. But until I do, I only have you guys to torture.
Hell, my gramma is already looking forward to death just to get away from me. How much worse can it possibly get? (Stay tuned for my next article, Heehee!)
Yes, my grandmother looked forward to death too. She was seen looking forward to the death of a man she caught going through her room at the nursing home. She beat the hell out of him with her cane. I'm thankful she never caught me stealing cookies.
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