Cyco A-Maize-ing Ivan 9,060 6
11/20/2009 10:53 PM

Her: These pants are tight on me, they make my rhino knuckle stand out
Me: Your what?!
Her: You know, rhino knuckle...where you can see the outline of a chick's vajayjay?
Me: You mean a cameltoe?
Her:....OH GOD! Yeah, that's what I meant.
Me: I swear to god if I ever see you with a Rhino Knuckle, I will punch you.

Then again, I married that girl, so who's the dumbass here?

A hunk o' burning Ravos 34,385 10
11/20/2009 10:56 PM

Another classic from the other night:

Her: Yea, I was bored monday, so I read a whole book at the book store.
Me: Really? What book?
Her: I don't remember.
Me: Well, what was it about.
Her: I don't really remember.
Me: Are you sure you actually read the book?
Her: Well, I skipped a few pages...
Me: I don't think reading the first and last pages of a book really count as reading an whole book.

Randall Cleveland 43,809 9
11/20/2009 11:07 PM

This one.

Also, I once went on a blind date with a girl who kept trying to pull off some weird trick with a lighter. I still don't know what she was trying to accomplish, but she did succeed in lighting her nose hair on fire in my car. Nothing kills potential romance like the smell of burnt hair.

A hunk o' burning Ravos 34,385 10
11/20/2009 11:11 PM

I know Bill has been on at least 1 blind date.

The momb 192 2
11/20/2009 11:17 PM

A conversation between me and my ex 2 days after the break:

Him: I just wanted to let you know that I got married this morning.
Me: Why did you want to let me know?
Him: I don't know. Don't you want to know who I married?
Me: Not really.
Him Why?
Me: What are you, a freakin' imbecile?
Him: I might be. I don't know what that is.

A hunk o' burning Ravos 34,385 10
11/20/2009 11:22 PM

This was a different girl around a year and a half ago.

Me: So what type of books do you like to read
Her: I don't really read. What about you?
Me: Philosophy.
Her: I don't know what that is.
Me: *blank stare*

Straw potato casserole 59,650 11
11/20/2009 11:22 PM

He says he is psychic, and he told me something my mom told me a week ago.

Please tell me you asked her what it was he knew her mom said.

Soon-to-be Ravos' Date (SRD): My mom is getting on my nerves.
Creepy Psychic Coworker (CDC): Let me guess - she told you that if you don't stop wearing sweatpants all the time, you'll never get a man.
SRD: Ohhmahgah, how did you know???

or

CDC: I just realized I'm psychic.
SRD: Prove it! Tell me what my mom said to me last week.
CDC: She said to stop being so gullible.
SRD: Get! Out!

or

CDC: SRD, your mom is on the phone, she called my line by mistake.
SRD: It's about time she called, I have something juicy to tell her. Forward it to my line, okay?

(later)

SRD: I'm going out with this cute guy, Ravos, tomorrow night.
CDC: Your mom is right, I think he just wants sex.
SRD: How did you know what my mom said?
CDC: Uh....I'm psychic?

Shemp loves Evil Guz 16,478 9
11/20/2009 11:38 PM

The following never happend. It only took place inside my head, just now.


Her: Whatcha readin'?

Me: A book about Paris.

Her: OMG! I love Paris Hilton!

Me: Ah, not Paris Hilton, its about Paris France.

Her: Oh, who's she?

A hunk o' burning Ravos 34,385 10
11/20/2009 11:52 PM

SRD: I'm going out with this cute guy, Ravos, tomorrow night.
CDC: Your mom is right, I think he just wants sex.
SRD: How did you know what my mom said?
CDC: Uh....I'm psychic?

That is actually theoretically possible. I used to work where she currently works, and therefore, the 'psychic' may actually know me.

It's weird, I almost want to go on another date with her just to see what other ridiculous crap she is going to say.

A hunk o' burning Ravos 34,385 10
11/20/2009 11:57 PM

Me: Do you know __________ (insert old co-workers name)?
Her: Yea, I like her. She is really nice.
Me: Why do you say that?
Her: She said hi to me once.
Me: So you form your opinions of people solely based on if they have said hello to you or not?
Her: Yea. I don't like this other guy though, ______________
Me: Why not?
Her: Because nobody else likes him.
Me: And you just decided you don't like him because someone else doesn't like him?
Her: Yea.

Gonzo 17,604 12
11/21/2009 12:14 AM

Ravos.... I think you need to start dating outside the middle-school age-range.

A hunk o' burning Ravos 34,385 10
11/21/2009 12:37 AM

Damn...lesson learned.

A hunk o' burning Ravos 34,385 10
11/21/2009 12:46 AM

So I guess this means I should start carding them then?

cakes and ale 2,137 4
11/21/2009 03:02 AM

These pants are tight on me, they make my rhino knuckle stand out

I once overheard my best friend refer to it as "Donkey Feet". I corrected her after I stopped choking on my laughter.

Cyco A-Maize-ing Ivan 9,060 6
11/21/2009 05:22 AM

I once overheard my best friend refer to it as "Donkey Feet". I corrected her after I stopped choking on my laughter.

My wife later explained that she was getting it confused with the albino rhino. I gently told her she wasn't really helping her case.

Donkey Feet is some funny Shakespeare though.

The momb 192 2
11/21/2009 06:09 AM

He said "Why won't you see me anymore?"
I said "We're just not right for each other."
He said "I thought last night was really special!"
I said "Look, this just doesn't feel right to me."
He said "I don't get it. Last night you're having an orgasm and this morning you say it doesn't feel right."
I said "That wasn't an orgasm! It was my Poe throwing up!! Now leave me the hell alone!!"

Lobster With Gravy and Stuffing 9,801 9
11/21/2009 06:43 AM

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And _________ fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Lobster With Gravy and Stuffing 9,801 9
11/21/2009 06:46 AM

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Lobster With Gravy and Stuffing 9,801 9
11/21/2009 06:48 AM

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Straw potato casserole 59,650 11
11/21/2009 06:49 AM

The longer version.

Lobster With Gravy and Stuffing 9,801 9
11/21/2009 06:49 AM

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

cakes and ale 2,137 4
11/21/2009 06:50 AM

Thanks,Cyco. She regularly gets confused and only I know what she's talking about. Recently, she was recalling a story that took place at a bar in Vermont called the "Regular Guy". It's actually called, the "Common Man".

Straw potato casserole 59,650 11
11/21/2009 06:50 AM

Sorry about that. I saw the first post, went to go looking for the original, and didn't hit refresh to see you were posting the whole thing.

Lobster With Gravy and Stuffing 9,801 9
11/21/2009 06:50 AM

Damn you, Straw! Gettin in my way.... I was gonna give credit. I just wanted to post text instead of linkies.

Straw potato casserole 59,650 11
11/21/2009 06:51 AM

heh

Lobster With Gravy and Stuffing 9,801 9
11/21/2009 07:36 AM

Frost your groupies, giving you clickies for non-grammatically correct, non- completed sentences. Onomatopoeia is cheating.

Whistler P. McManus 141,589 23
11/21/2009 11:46 AM

I was going to berate you morons for not doing enough preliminary research before going on a date with someone to find out if they were at least only borderline retarded, but then I find out the Lobster has apparently dated a dog.

So never mind to all of you, and Lobster, I apologize. I guess A.C. isn't as low as you can go.

Lobster With Gravy and Stuffing 9,801 9
11/23/2009 04:53 AM

So, Whistler, where's the road of your life taken you lately?