The momb 215 4
11/23/2009 07:59 AM

I am encouraged by the Zugz, so here's another one. This one also took place at the dinner table.

I came in and sat down. My older brother (Joe) looks up and says "Gary came by looking for you today."
me: "Really? What did he say?"
Joe: "He said, Is Carolyn home?, so I told him no and closed the door."
Me: "OK"
Joe: "He knocked again and when I answered it he said, Can I have a banana?"


Ever since, a member of my family has always managed to ask each of my boyfriends if they wanted a banana.

Dogs Akimbo 211,612 32
11/23/2009 11:34 AM

I was helping my plate

to do what?

Randall Cleveland 49,019 14
11/23/2009 11:35 AM

I am encouraged by the Zugz

I TOLD YOU GUYS NOT TO FEED THESE THINGS!

Blood, Sugar, Shemp, Magic 22,222 17
11/23/2009 12:37 PM

When I was about 6, my Mother and my oldest brother Dan got into an argument.

The three of us were the only ones home. And after a little bickering between them, Dan stomped up the stairs to his bedroom.

Five minutes or so later, you hear my brother's voice from upstairs.

Dan: Mom.

Mom: What?

Dan: Nothing, just counting Emersons!




I was only 6 years old, but I rolled on the carpet laughing my ass off.

Ghost of Chickens Past 286,634 61
11/23/2009 12:50 PM

Ok, the bannana one was damn funny.

The momb 215 4
11/24/2009 05:32 AM

Thanks Ghost! My family has certainly gotten a lot of mileage out of that one. My brothers took great pleasure in embarrassing me. When I met my husband, I was finally able to get one up on them. I warned him about the significance of the phrase "Want a banana?" The first time we went to a family get-together at Dad's, he brought a brown bag full of bananas with him, and when Dad offered him something to eat, He pulled them out from under the table and said "No Thanks!! I brought my own!" Then he reached in the bag, took one out, held it out to Dad, and said "Want a banana?" My brother, Joe, almost choked to death on his hamburger, and my brother, Jason, congratulated my husband for being the only one of my boyfriends to ever beat them to the punchline.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
11/24/2009 07:37 AM

I have two much older step brothers, and when they were kids they had little bow and arrow sets with suction cups where the arrow heads should have been. When they got to be teenagers, they took the suction cups off and sharpened the points of the sticks with a pencil sharpener.

They also had high powered sling shots they made out of old inner tubes (from when car tires had inner tubes) and would go out and shoot at squirrels and pigeons and probably stray cats with the sling shots and arrows. It was good practice for a few years later when they were hunting VC.

Well, after they went to Vietnam, I took all their old toys out of their closets and started practicing with the bows and arrows. One afternoon I was out in the backyard, watching a couple of my younger brothers and sisters. Heck, I was probably nine years old, plenty old enough to be left in charge of three or four toddlers.

I was bored, and I started shooting arrows straight up in the air and seeing how far they would go and whether or not they'd stick in the ground when they came down. I had the little ones hiding under the deck. Unfortunately, my brother F.X. wandered out, and at just the right moment, he stumbled and fell over.

The arrow stuck into the ground, all right. After passing through F.X.'s calf.

My brother was fine, by the way. It missed all the major blood vessels, and I was smart enough not to pull it out and drag dirt through the open wound. He has no recollection of the incident now, and you can barely see the scars.

I've gotten worse beatings since then, but the one my stepfather laid on me that night was, at the time, a personal best.

Good times.

The momb 215 4
11/24/2009 08:54 AM

My mother taught at my school. I was unfortunate enough to be in her music class my junior year. I knew from our home life that my mom was kind of weird, but I didn't know just how weird she could be until I was in her class.
One day, she let a huge man-fart in front of the class. I was mortified. My friends said my face turned really red. Then, to make matters worse, she put her hand over her butthole and said "Oh! Excuse me for just a second! I think I may need to go change!"
I didn't think anything could be worse than that. I was wrong, but I'll save that story for another time.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
11/24/2009 10:41 AM

It occurs to me that my story above might not be funny to some people. Like people who think an arrow through a three year old's leg is more of a sad or gross thing than a funny thing. So in the way of an apology, I'll offer a story that contains more accessible humor.

I was reminded by the banana story of a running joke we had with my sister Marsha's boyfriends. See, my sister Marsha was a dancer and figure skater in her youth, and had a bad habit of thinking she was dating guys who turned out to be gay. She went to her senior prom with a guy who eventually became a priest, but it was her junior prom date who began this tradition. He graduated high school and went right into the Ice Capades.

It then became our family in-joke to say someone had "joined the Ice Capades" to mean that we believed them to be gay. And we asked all Marsha's subsequent dates if they skated. It probably seemed weird, especially if the date took place in July, but my original stepfather, Willie, was an outstanding hockey player who played Division II college hockey and played in mens' leagues until he was well into his 60's, so we sometimes passed it off that way.

He would say something like, "So, you do any ice skating?" And the seven or eight kids there would all giggle.

The boy would nervously reply, "Uh. I guess so."

"Hockey or figure skating?"

"Figure skating."

"You're not going to run off and join the Ice Capades, are you?" And the whole family would fall down laughing.

She was a great looking girl, but a lot of guys only took her out once. Eventually she married a lawyer. He skis.

Randall Cleveland 49,019 14
11/24/2009 11:17 AM

One year for Christmas I got my parents a DVD player, thereby rocketing them into the modern age. I worked at a video store at the time so I brought home a bunch of the hip new releases for them to enjoy and we all sat around together watching the sparkling DVD clarity on a 26-inch tube television.

After the credits began to roll my mom started skipping back, looking for something. My dad and I let it go for awhile until finally he asked, "What are you looking for?"

"Nothing," she replied, "I'm just rewinding it."

Ghost of Chickens Past 286,634 61
11/25/2009 08:29 AM

We have nearly the same story Whistler, only not quite as gay. One year, we had three different friends:
1. come out.
2. move to Texas.

Our phrase: "She seems to be considering a move to Texas."

Also, "Have you ever considered living in Texas?"

Not quite as obvious as the Ice Capades, grated, but it works for us.